Food and Life Updates

Day 255 (4/27/17)

Although the title suggests the latter, let's start with life. Currently at this precise moment in time I'm very happy. I know who my true friends are and I have a great little handful of them. I'm starting a workout program next week that is 100% me based -- not to look better, not to compete better, but to feel better. I want to be healthy, I'm going to be healthy and since moving to New York I have let my health go. I've been getting up at 6:00 in the morning to prepare

for working out early starting next week.
I also am loving my classes: art is easy and informative, health/personal fitness is life changing, anthropology give me a lot of good arguing points, and psychology makes me realize that everyone is a little f*cked up.
I have a mere 38 days left in the big apple, the city that never sleep, New York. Since I was an annoying 12-year-old brat, I told everyone and there grandma's dog (thanks for that one, Joe) that I was going to move to NYC after high school... although I told them I was going to live here forever and be a rich real estate agent too... at least I did what I said I would and what I wanted to at the time. I've put a lot of negativity on myself being disappointed for not liking NY. But that's not fair to me; how was I to know whether I liked living here unless I tried it? I came, I succeeded, I conquered and now I've decided that I want something else. I have been accepted to COCC in Bend and am waiting to hear back from OSU Cascades. I have a great plan for this summer and for next year. I'm so excited to smell fresh air, stomp in fresh mud, and start a fresh beginning. I love my roommate dearly, however we already have trips/activities planned for the next three years -- I think we'll be okay.
Now for Bonnie's favorite part: FOOD! Let's see, the last few weeks I've has a Korean waffle cone style ice cream, a spaghetti doughnut, and the best ice cream in the life... and in America, or so voted by Food Network.
"Smorgasburg is the largest weekly open-air food market in America, attracting 20,000-30,000 people to Brooklyn each weekend to eat from 100 local vendors." Smorgasburg is an amazing hub of crazy delicious food where I have gotten 3 of the best dishes in my life thus far. Two weekends ago it was Wowful -- the Korean waffle cone. The waffle cone has bubbles that are hallow and flakey. The ice cream was rainbow vanilla with Oreo's, strawberries, chocolate sauce, and pokey (another Korean treat). Surprising as large as the ice cream looks it wasn't very dense and didn't leave me feeling dead afterwards.
Last weekend was the spaghetti doughnut. It's not as gross as it sounds. It's spaghetti in the shape of a doughnut. I personally love spaghetti and this was the most revolutionary and mess free way to eat your favorite comfort food! It was a little dry on the outside, but other than that, the texture was amazing, the portion was perfect, and variety was plentiful. Emily got the Man 'n' Cheese one whereas I got the original red sauce one. If I could figure out how to make these I would never have traditional spaghetti again.
Now. For the best ice cream ever. Shout out to mom and pops for watching food shows and keeping me updated about what's in my own city. Ample Hills Creamery. I got a scoop of the "Munchies" which included vanilla ice cream with pretzels, Ritz Crackers, potato chips, and M&M's. I also got a scoop of "Ooey Gooey" of which is vanilla ice cream with chunks, and I mean chunks, of St. Louis style butter cake. I almost regret going here because no ice cream will ever be the same. Either way I hope to have more amazing food in the last few weeks here that I can (virtually) share with you all!

Love Thyself

The notion of hating yourself is romanticized in the media. Some poor lonely girl who’s gorgeous, smart, competent, and has a bright future – yet she hates herself. Then a boy comes along who she barely, slowly, lets in after months and months of him proclaiming his love for her she finally opens up and discovers what everyone else see’s in her.
Hating yourself isn’t romantic… but it’s also not worked on often. Girls hates themselves for their whole lives. Why? Because they put all their ‘self-love’ into someone else. They wait for someone else to make them see how great they are. How does this make sense? How can you love yourself through someone else’s eyes? That’s not how life works. You can hate yourself, you can want to die, you can dismiss your reflection, and yell at yourself and cut yourself and… but at the end of the day you still are who you are. You’re still going to feel lost or ugly or fat. You’re still going to hate your stretch marks or moles or fat roles. But why? Why is there such a social need to hate yourself? How can we even say “I’m not as ____ as them.” How?! Of course you’re not at _____ as them! They’re different! Your finger print isn’t as loopy as theirs, does that make you hate yourself? No? Oh, so only some differences matter? Well then everyone should hate themselves because everyone is different.
Hating yourself isn’t romantic. It’s self-destructive. If you don’t like what you see in the mirror change it. Change it because YOU want see YOURSELF when you look in the mirror. Not because you want to see THEM in the mirror. If you don’t like what you hear in your head, change what YOU say. You only have power over yourself. Change what you do and what you say and how you act and who you interact with because you want to feel more like yourself, not because you want to feel like or look like them.
Hating yourself isn’t romantic. Being sick isn’t romantic. Being depressed isn’t romantic. Being lonely isn’t romantic. It’s miserable. It takes work. It takes strength. Unneeded work and strength. Love yourself and love yourself without a “but” at the end. Comparing yourself to other people takes so much nitpicking and energy and measurements. Just love yourself and gravitate towards what makes you feel and look more yourself.

Food, Vacations, and Good Nights Out

Day 221 (3/24/2017)
Oh. My. Lanta. I've had so much happen in the past few weeks I'm not ever sure where to begin! Let's start with food: breakfast quesadillas, doughnut ice cream, doughnuts, cake, and cookie dough. Since moving to New York I have become so much more adventurous with my food choices and so much more open to trying foods I used to not like. My breakfast quesadilla had thick slices of tomato which would have sent me running in the past -- boy howdy was I sure glad I didn't run. The tortillas were thick and flaky, the tomatoes tasted like tomato jam (ask mama to send you a jar if you've never heard of it). All in all 10/10, thanks Emily for knowing the perfect Mexican Restaurant!
The cake. Oh the cake, darn you Justine for knowing all the delicious bakeries to go to. At 2:00 in the afternoon right after having my amazing quesadilla I had an enormous piece of red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Not only was the cake dense but so was the frosting. Personally the frosting is my favorite part of every cake, so being that there were copious amounts of it, I was happy. Justine and Emily got red velvet and matcha croissants which looked divine.You know me: ice cream, ice cream, ice cream. The best ice cream I've had in a while was from SoftSwerve. I got black sesame ice cream with Reese's Puffs in a chocolate cone. The texture was amazing and the aesthetic was even better.
As many of you have probably heard, edible cookie dough is all the rage right now. DO is an ice cream style cookie dough parlor that serves edible cookie dough by the scoop in a cone, a dish, ice cream sandwich, or even a milkshake. There are a lot of different dough flavors: fluffer nutter, birthday cake, s'mores, etc. I got three scoops and regretted it because I forgot how heavy cookie dough is! I have been strangely obsessed with peanut butter since I moved here so of course I got peanut butter with Reese's Pieces, s'more, and birthday cake. Each dough has a different texture and taste and flavor combo, it was well worth the two hour wait.
In between eating my weight in sugar I finished my second term of college! This term was really hard for me. It started right after I came back fro a trip home and was feeling really down about missing everyone. During this term I also had trouble deciding whether or not to stay in New York or where to go in general. I have decided that Bend is still right for me and I am extremely excited to dedicate my life to health, wellness, and the great outdoors. I have been making time for the gym again which feels great and spring break couldn't have come at a better time -- I've been needing some rest. I love, love, love my life here and the friends I've made and the places I've gotten used to and everything... but I'm very ready to go back to Oregon. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, but life isn't about focusing on what you're missing it's about focusing on where you're going. I'll be very excited to have grass outside my door, the coast an hour away, and my car parked right outside.
Although I'll be excited to return to Oregon in a few months, I've got a big stop along the way -- Costa Rica!! Emily, her friend, and I decided to take a trip to Costa Rica the last weekend in May. I'm beyond excited to travel outside of the country and have my first time be with my best friend. I don't know what Costa Rica will bring, I don't know what we'll do, but once we do it I'll let you know. Two days after we get back from Costa Rica, Emily and I will be going to Gov Ball which in a music festival in NY with an amazinggg lineup from Lorde, to YG, and Schoolboy Q, Flume, A$AP Ferg... Needless to say it'll be a great way to end my time here. I'm sad, apprehensive, and excited for the changes to come.

Birthday Weekend

Day 200 (3/3/2017)
19 seemed so old to me, yet, now that I'm 19 I know I'm still a youngin'. This weekend was amazing and I owe it 100% to my amazing roommate and the friends I've acquired here!
Friday night we went to the frat house as per usual, but I had a ton of fun. Even though the majority of the people I see on Fridays, I only see on Friday's, I strongly consider them close friends. Once a week we're all guaranteed to have a reunion and I look forward to it every day. Fortunately we stay out until roughly 6am every Friday so I was technically able to spend my birthday with like 40 people.
Justine and Emily kept screaming "10 MORE MINUTES" "5 MORE MINUTES" "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" Everyone drunkenly sang to me and it seemed like a scene from a low budget movie. I got home around 6 in the morning that day and woke up feeling...... the same as 18.
Emily and I got up and didn't stroll out of the house until around 2:00. It was a beautiful day -- 65 and sunny. Although I loved not spending my birthday in the rain or snow, global warming is real. Any who. We headed down to China Town and got dim sum! It was kind of crazy! It's a ballroom style room with a bunch of 8-seat circle table and these Chinese ladies come around with carts of food calling out what they have. You ask what they have, tell them what you want and they make a mark on this little golf card looking paper. I don't even know what we had, it was a whole lot of different types of dumplings, but they were delicious. Shrimp, pork, veggie, all sorts of dumplings. Also rice balls. Emily loves them, but the regular sized ones are too much for me, the mini ones were perfect.
After our (late) lunch, of course I needed a dessert. If you've ever heard of the show "DC Cupcakes" on TLC, they're a cupcake shop, Georgetown Cupcakes, that have a shop in NYC! They were delicious! I got the cookies and cream -- vanilla cake with Oreo in it with cookies and cream cheese frosting. Emily got birthday vanilla which was vanilla cake with vanilla frosting and sprinkles. I thought "how good can a cupcake get" but man were they good. The cake was semi crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside, and the frosting was perfectly creamy.
Being the pseudo hippy that I am, I wanted to go see a psychic and get my palms read. All in all the lady told me my future is bright, I love the water, I'll die of old age not sickness, and the next change in my life will be successful.
After the psychic we went and saw "A Cure For Wellness" which in my opinion was a good movie, it just took too long to get to the point. The first two hours are almost completely unrelated to the last 30 minutes, of which has the bulk of the substantial content. Emily will disagree and tell you it was a terrible movie. Tonight we'll be getting doughnuts and seeing Moonlight.
All in all I had a great birthday and now I'm less than two yeas away from 21! God, I'm young. But that's okay, because all anyone else wants is time, but for me, that's all I have.
I've spent the majority of my life planning out each year with finite possibilities. When I was younger I "knew" I was going to move to New York, sell real estate, invest, acquire more money, move upstate, have a big house, etc. -- I had it planned step by step. Then when I moved to New York and wasn't thrilled with it I planned "I'm going to go back to Oregon, go to Bend for school for 3 years, then move to SoCal, get a job in ecotourism or personal fitness, hike a lot, live in a small home, eventually settle into a country home" etc. -- I had it planned out once again step by step. But now, I think I want to stay in New York a while longer. I don't feel like I'm done here and I don't feel like I'm quite ready to give up being Emily's roommate. I don't know what I'll do for a living because I don't want to have this job, I'm not exactly sure where I'll live, what I'll major in, what I'll do after our next lease is up, or even if I'll stay past this June. But. I have options. So many options -- that's the good part.

Back on the Struggle Bus

Day 185 (2/16/2017)
As the title infers, I've been struggling again. About three weeks ago I had a total break down and what I think was my first legitimate panic attack. I got behind in school, was failing a class, and was at risk for loosing my scholarship. Since then I've gotten caught up and have raised that F to a C.
I'm sick right now and have once again gotten a little behind in school. It's not that anything is late, I just haven't started anything other than one class -- but nothing is due until Tuesday.
In my FYE class we talk all about self motivation and self responsibility and all that "self" stuff. I know that I am solely responsible for going to work, getting my schooling done, not sleeping in, getting good grades, etc, but to be honest... I don't want to. I don't want to do my school work, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to wake up. I get out of bed at the latest time possible... and I don't know why. I feel so weak mentally and physically. I honestly feel like a rag doll that someone is trying to pick up (the stronger part of me) but the doll is just flimsy (the unmotivated part of me).
I want to get good grades, I want to be physically fit, I want to read, I want to be social, I want to be energized, I want to be motivated, but I'm not any of those things. You are what you do not what you think.
I don't do anything, honestly. This week I got one of my classes done so far. I have three more to do by Monday night. This week I've come home every night, laid down on the couch, and watched TV until I decide to go lay down in my bed and sleep instead -- rough life, huh? Right now I'm sick with a pretty bad cold and although I would love to pause time for a day and just sleep the sickness away, I can't. Assignments are still due, time still ticks, and things progress.
I kind of feel stuck. I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 14 -- I still dress the same, I'm still unhappy with my body, I still have anxiety, I'm still trying to change, I still can't focus. I know that I have made progress rationally, but emotionally and irrationally I feel like I haven't made any progress within myself. There's still so much I want to do with myself and I feel like I have no time, I feel as though I'm so focused outwardly that I can't focus inwardly. I'm finding myself slowly, there are bits and pieces of myself that I love, but all my pieces don't really fit together.
Some days I want to be a 90's rocker chick, some days I want to be a 70's hippy, and some days I want to live in the country with horses and goats and cows. I have all these different pieces of me that don't really go together. I really want to go to school and do well but I also just want to work and save up a bunch of money, but I also just really want to go to the gym and go outside. I'm hoping that once I get back to Oregon everything for me will fall together again, I just have to remember that wherever I go, there I am. I can change my physical location but mentally I'll always be there and unless I change that nothing else with change.
On a positive note this weekend I went to brunch with Justine and the Emily, Justine, and I got our auras read. It was really cool to do something hippy dippy like that because I love that stuff. Emily and I of course went to the frat on Friday and kept it low key Saturday. Last week I stayed on top of all of my homework and was really proud of myself. I think today, tomorrow, and Saturday I want to get the rest of my school work done so Sunday I can go to a movie, do some yoga, and just keep it low key.

Snow, Ice Cream, Parties, and More

Day 179 (2/9/2017)
The last few weeks have been filled with a lot of school work for me and a lot of working from home for Emily. However, of course we've made time for ice cream.
 Last week finally went to an NYU party again. We had so much fun and it was amazing to see everyone again. I love these people and I'm so happy to have met everyone. We stayed out until around 4 in the morning which made the next day kind of hand, but it was all worth it.
Breonna tagged me in a video on Facebook of a bakery that has large ice cream sandwiches oozing with ice cream. I got peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate ice cream. It was huge, rich, and a perfect combo of cookie and ice cream. It was hyped up a lot more in the video but it was still really good. Of course as we were walking home we smelled curry and had to get chicken curry with naan so we were stuffed.
On Sunday was the super bowl, however after going out so much I needed a day to recharge. It was nice to just stay home get my school work done, do my laundry, go grocery shopping, and meal prep. Go Patriots!!! Ryan Allen went to my high school so of course I have to root for them.
This week has been pretty good. I've been staying on top of my school work and getting ahead. Also the weather has been amazing; yesterday was 65 degrees and sunny -- I went outside without any jacket on for the first time in over 4 months. It was amazing.... until 5:00 this morning when it started to snow. We've had terrible winter storm warning and are expected to get 10-14 inches of snow. Right now it is 2:00 and we have about a foot of snow already. Also, it's supposed to keep going like this for 2 more hours. ALSO we have 25-45 mile an hour winds which means we have a blizzard.
Emily was supposed to go to Oregon for the weekend but her flight was canceled before it even started snowing. Then we got her switched to a flight out of Newark and after it started snowing more this morning that flight was then cancelled.
At this point Emily is working from home and I'm doing homework as we both listen to a movie in the background. It's kind of nice to be stuck at home for the day. Taking a break. Watching the snow fall. Sipping hot chocolate and eating cookie dough. Although we love to go places and find new things to do each weekend, it's nice to just be grounded at home watching movies and telling way too many jokes. The fact that I'll be moving away in 112 short days is a scary thought. I'm so much more of and outdoorsy country person than I ever realized -- I just hope it ends up being right for me. I love the friends I've made here and Emily has become a best friend. It's disheartening to think that soon she'll just be another friend I text every few months and see every few years.
In life things change, people move, and friends cycle. I always find myself falling in love with a way of life and when that way of life changes, it's hard for me to let go and view it as a fond memory. I love New York and I know I'm going to love Bend -- I just hope the mental transition doesn't take as much of a toll on me this time. I'm so excited for my future but I'm also excited for right now. Each day I wake up and I know that I live in New York -- a place I've wanted to live for 6 years. Each day I wake up knowing that I'm fully capable of supporting myself. Each day I wake up knowing that I have a best friend 6 steps away from me and 6 hours away from me. These past 5 months have been amazing for me, and it's only been 5 months. I still have 3 years left of college and a whole life ahead of me. I'm so excited to see where I go and I know that I can do anything I put my mind to -- I've proved that to myself.

It's Just Life Now

Day 165 1/26/2017
I don't really know what to post anymore. I've eaten a lot of amazing food, I've gone to a lot of amazing places, but now I've settled into my life here. I have 40 hours of work and now 40 hours of school work. The majority of my time is spent in front of a computer either working on work or homework.
I've learned a lot this term already and it's only week three. I'm taking a class called Freshman Year Experience because it's required for my scholarship. It teaches you how to stay on a successful path throughout college and life. Thus far it's been amazing. I've been able to diagnose my own "victim" mind set at times and fix it. I've come to realize that I can't control everything, as much as I want to, but I can control my reaction and decisions. I'm very happy to say that I've been keeping busy at work, I've been staying on top of school, and I've been working out five days a week. I'm doing a 20 week cut although it's not "cutting season". I really want to lose about 15-20 pounds in 20-30 weeks. Then I want to up my calories to 1800-2200 and do a little less cardio and a lot more weights.
It's really an awesome feeling to just accept total control for yourself. Mentally and physically. I've seen changes in my body and it's because of the work that I have put it. It's because of my dedication and commitment. I've been paying close attention to my body to make sure I'm not dizzy, I don't have headaches, and I'm not always starving. I've eaten in a high deficit but I did it for way too long and it was out of self hate. This time I'm only cutting for 20-30 weeks (instead of 3 years) and I'm also allowing myself to have sugar and carbs a little on the weekends and up my calories by a couple hundred once a week. All in all I've already lost about 5 pounds, my clothes are fitting looser, and my energy is up.
This week I finally hung up a tapestry that Breonna and Brandon got me for Christmas -- I love it. It's elephants, gray, and red -- my three favorite things. It makes my room darker and channels my inner hippy, which I love. Also I got fake nails for the first time ever... and removed them two days later. I type pretty fast (thanks to my mama and Mr. Halsey), but with those nails I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't grab anything, I couldn't do anything. Long story boring I soaked them in acetone for 30 minutes and I have my boy hands back.
I am also happy/sad to say that I have officially booked my flight back to Oregon. The thought of having to pack up all my stuff and ship it back across the country is a little daunting. I have made a life for myself here and I will, in essence, be getting rid of that. I'll smell, see, taste, feel, and hear things for the rest of my life that will remind me of New York. My first apartment, my first time paying rent, my first time becoming comfortable leaving the house alone, my first time cooking all of my own meals, my first time on a plane by myself. New York has provided me with a lot of firsts that I will forever be thankful for and proud of. The skyline will never cease to amaze me, the smells will never cease to intrigue me, and cites will never cease to mesmerize me. Whatever I choose to do from now will never be the same -- it'll be a different adventure filled with different firsts.
This weekend Emily and I will be getting giant ice cream sandwiches and I will be posting pictures!