Back on the Struggle Bus

Day 185 (2/16/2017)
As the title infers, I've been struggling again. About three weeks ago I had a total break down and what I think was my first legitimate panic attack. I got behind in school, was failing a class, and was at risk for loosing my scholarship. Since then I've gotten caught up and have raised that F to a C.
I'm sick right now and have once again gotten a little behind in school. It's not that anything is late, I just haven't started anything other than one class -- but nothing is due until Tuesday.
In my FYE class we talk all about self motivation and self responsibility and all that "self" stuff. I know that I am solely responsible for going to work, getting my schooling done, not sleeping in, getting good grades, etc, but to be honest... I don't want to. I don't want to do my school work, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to wake up. I get out of bed at the latest time possible... and I don't know why. I feel so weak mentally and physically. I honestly feel like a rag doll that someone is trying to pick up (the stronger part of me) but the doll is just flimsy (the unmotivated part of me).
I want to get good grades, I want to be physically fit, I want to read, I want to be social, I want to be energized, I want to be motivated, but I'm not any of those things. You are what you do not what you think.
I don't do anything, honestly. This week I got one of my classes done so far. I have three more to do by Monday night. This week I've come home every night, laid down on the couch, and watched TV until I decide to go lay down in my bed and sleep instead -- rough life, huh? Right now I'm sick with a pretty bad cold and although I would love to pause time for a day and just sleep the sickness away, I can't. Assignments are still due, time still ticks, and things progress.
I kind of feel stuck. I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 14 -- I still dress the same, I'm still unhappy with my body, I still have anxiety, I'm still trying to change, I still can't focus. I know that I have made progress rationally, but emotionally and irrationally I feel like I haven't made any progress within myself. There's still so much I want to do with myself and I feel like I have no time, I feel as though I'm so focused outwardly that I can't focus inwardly. I'm finding myself slowly, there are bits and pieces of myself that I love, but all my pieces don't really fit together.
Some days I want to be a 90's rocker chick, some days I want to be a 70's hippy, and some days I want to live in the country with horses and goats and cows. I have all these different pieces of me that don't really go together. I really want to go to school and do well but I also just want to work and save up a bunch of money, but I also just really want to go to the gym and go outside. I'm hoping that once I get back to Oregon everything for me will fall together again, I just have to remember that wherever I go, there I am. I can change my physical location but mentally I'll always be there and unless I change that nothing else with change.
On a positive note this weekend I went to brunch with Justine and the Emily, Justine, and I got our auras read. It was really cool to do something hippy dippy like that because I love that stuff. Emily and I of course went to the frat on Friday and kept it low key Saturday. Last week I stayed on top of all of my homework and was really proud of myself. I think today, tomorrow, and Saturday I want to get the rest of my school work done so Sunday I can go to a movie, do some yoga, and just keep it low key.

Snow, Ice Cream, Parties, and More

Day 179 (2/9/2017)
The last few weeks have been filled with a lot of school work for me and a lot of working from home for Emily. However, of course we've made time for ice cream.
 Last week finally went to an NYU party again. We had so much fun and it was amazing to see everyone again. I love these people and I'm so happy to have met everyone. We stayed out until around 4 in the morning which made the next day kind of hand, but it was all worth it.
Breonna tagged me in a video on Facebook of a bakery that has large ice cream sandwiches oozing with ice cream. I got peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate ice cream. It was huge, rich, and a perfect combo of cookie and ice cream. It was hyped up a lot more in the video but it was still really good. Of course as we were walking home we smelled curry and had to get chicken curry with naan so we were stuffed.
On Sunday was the super bowl, however after going out so much I needed a day to recharge. It was nice to just stay home get my school work done, do my laundry, go grocery shopping, and meal prep. Go Patriots!!! Ryan Allen went to my high school so of course I have to root for them.
This week has been pretty good. I've been staying on top of my school work and getting ahead. Also the weather has been amazing; yesterday was 65 degrees and sunny -- I went outside without any jacket on for the first time in over 4 months. It was amazing.... until 5:00 this morning when it started to snow. We've had terrible winter storm warning and are expected to get 10-14 inches of snow. Right now it is 2:00 and we have about a foot of snow already. Also, it's supposed to keep going like this for 2 more hours. ALSO we have 25-45 mile an hour winds which means we have a blizzard.
Emily was supposed to go to Oregon for the weekend but her flight was canceled before it even started snowing. Then we got her switched to a flight out of Newark and after it started snowing more this morning that flight was then cancelled.
At this point Emily is working from home and I'm doing homework as we both listen to a movie in the background. It's kind of nice to be stuck at home for the day. Taking a break. Watching the snow fall. Sipping hot chocolate and eating cookie dough. Although we love to go places and find new things to do each weekend, it's nice to just be grounded at home watching movies and telling way too many jokes. The fact that I'll be moving away in 112 short days is a scary thought. I'm so much more of and outdoorsy country person than I ever realized -- I just hope it ends up being right for me. I love the friends I've made here and Emily has become a best friend. It's disheartening to think that soon she'll just be another friend I text every few months and see every few years.
In life things change, people move, and friends cycle. I always find myself falling in love with a way of life and when that way of life changes, it's hard for me to let go and view it as a fond memory. I love New York and I know I'm going to love Bend -- I just hope the mental transition doesn't take as much of a toll on me this time. I'm so excited for my future but I'm also excited for right now. Each day I wake up and I know that I live in New York -- a place I've wanted to live for 6 years. Each day I wake up knowing that I'm fully capable of supporting myself. Each day I wake up knowing that I have a best friend 6 steps away from me and 6 hours away from me. These past 5 months have been amazing for me, and it's only been 5 months. I still have 3 years left of college and a whole life ahead of me. I'm so excited to see where I go and I know that I can do anything I put my mind to -- I've proved that to myself.