Back on the Struggle Bus

Day 185 (2/16/2017)
As the title infers, I've been struggling again. About three weeks ago I had a total break down and what I think was my first legitimate panic attack. I got behind in school, was failing a class, and was at risk for loosing my scholarship. Since then I've gotten caught up and have raised that F to a C.
I'm sick right now and have once again gotten a little behind in school. It's not that anything is late, I just haven't started anything other than one class -- but nothing is due until Tuesday.
In my FYE class we talk all about self motivation and self responsibility and all that "self" stuff. I know that I am solely responsible for going to work, getting my schooling done, not sleeping in, getting good grades, etc, but to be honest... I don't want to. I don't want to do my school work, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to wake up. I get out of bed at the latest time possible... and I don't know why. I feel so weak mentally and physically. I honestly feel like a rag doll that someone is trying to pick up (the stronger part of me) but the doll is just flimsy (the unmotivated part of me).
I want to get good grades, I want to be physically fit, I want to read, I want to be social, I want to be energized, I want to be motivated, but I'm not any of those things. You are what you do not what you think.
I don't do anything, honestly. This week I got one of my classes done so far. I have three more to do by Monday night. This week I've come home every night, laid down on the couch, and watched TV until I decide to go lay down in my bed and sleep instead -- rough life, huh? Right now I'm sick with a pretty bad cold and although I would love to pause time for a day and just sleep the sickness away, I can't. Assignments are still due, time still ticks, and things progress.
I kind of feel stuck. I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 14 -- I still dress the same, I'm still unhappy with my body, I still have anxiety, I'm still trying to change, I still can't focus. I know that I have made progress rationally, but emotionally and irrationally I feel like I haven't made any progress within myself. There's still so much I want to do with myself and I feel like I have no time, I feel as though I'm so focused outwardly that I can't focus inwardly. I'm finding myself slowly, there are bits and pieces of myself that I love, but all my pieces don't really fit together.
Some days I want to be a 90's rocker chick, some days I want to be a 70's hippy, and some days I want to live in the country with horses and goats and cows. I have all these different pieces of me that don't really go together. I really want to go to school and do well but I also just want to work and save up a bunch of money, but I also just really want to go to the gym and go outside. I'm hoping that once I get back to Oregon everything for me will fall together again, I just have to remember that wherever I go, there I am. I can change my physical location but mentally I'll always be there and unless I change that nothing else with change.
On a positive note this weekend I went to brunch with Justine and the Emily, Justine, and I got our auras read. It was really cool to do something hippy dippy like that because I love that stuff. Emily and I of course went to the frat on Friday and kept it low key Saturday. Last week I stayed on top of all of my homework and was really proud of myself. I think today, tomorrow, and Saturday I want to get the rest of my school work done so Sunday I can go to a movie, do some yoga, and just keep it low key.

Snow, Ice Cream, Parties, and More

Day 179 (2/9/2017)
The last few weeks have been filled with a lot of school work for me and a lot of working from home for Emily. However, of course we've made time for ice cream.
 Last week finally went to an NYU party again. We had so much fun and it was amazing to see everyone again. I love these people and I'm so happy to have met everyone. We stayed out until around 4 in the morning which made the next day kind of hand, but it was all worth it.
Breonna tagged me in a video on Facebook of a bakery that has large ice cream sandwiches oozing with ice cream. I got peanut butter cookies with dark chocolate ice cream. It was huge, rich, and a perfect combo of cookie and ice cream. It was hyped up a lot more in the video but it was still really good. Of course as we were walking home we smelled curry and had to get chicken curry with naan so we were stuffed.
On Sunday was the super bowl, however after going out so much I needed a day to recharge. It was nice to just stay home get my school work done, do my laundry, go grocery shopping, and meal prep. Go Patriots!!! Ryan Allen went to my high school so of course I have to root for them.
This week has been pretty good. I've been staying on top of my school work and getting ahead. Also the weather has been amazing; yesterday was 65 degrees and sunny -- I went outside without any jacket on for the first time in over 4 months. It was amazing.... until 5:00 this morning when it started to snow. We've had terrible winter storm warning and are expected to get 10-14 inches of snow. Right now it is 2:00 and we have about a foot of snow already. Also, it's supposed to keep going like this for 2 more hours. ALSO we have 25-45 mile an hour winds which means we have a blizzard.
Emily was supposed to go to Oregon for the weekend but her flight was canceled before it even started snowing. Then we got her switched to a flight out of Newark and after it started snowing more this morning that flight was then cancelled.
At this point Emily is working from home and I'm doing homework as we both listen to a movie in the background. It's kind of nice to be stuck at home for the day. Taking a break. Watching the snow fall. Sipping hot chocolate and eating cookie dough. Although we love to go places and find new things to do each weekend, it's nice to just be grounded at home watching movies and telling way too many jokes. The fact that I'll be moving away in 112 short days is a scary thought. I'm so much more of and outdoorsy country person than I ever realized -- I just hope it ends up being right for me. I love the friends I've made here and Emily has become a best friend. It's disheartening to think that soon she'll just be another friend I text every few months and see every few years.
In life things change, people move, and friends cycle. I always find myself falling in love with a way of life and when that way of life changes, it's hard for me to let go and view it as a fond memory. I love New York and I know I'm going to love Bend -- I just hope the mental transition doesn't take as much of a toll on me this time. I'm so excited for my future but I'm also excited for right now. Each day I wake up and I know that I live in New York -- a place I've wanted to live for 6 years. Each day I wake up knowing that I'm fully capable of supporting myself. Each day I wake up knowing that I have a best friend 6 steps away from me and 6 hours away from me. These past 5 months have been amazing for me, and it's only been 5 months. I still have 3 years left of college and a whole life ahead of me. I'm so excited to see where I go and I know that I can do anything I put my mind to -- I've proved that to myself.

It's Just Life Now

Day 165 1/26/2017
I don't really know what to post anymore. I've eaten a lot of amazing food, I've gone to a lot of amazing places, but now I've settled into my life here. I have 40 hours of work and now 40 hours of school work. The majority of my time is spent in front of a computer either working on work or homework.
I've learned a lot this term already and it's only week three. I'm taking a class called Freshman Year Experience because it's required for my scholarship. It teaches you how to stay on a successful path throughout college and life. Thus far it's been amazing. I've been able to diagnose my own "victim" mind set at times and fix it. I've come to realize that I can't control everything, as much as I want to, but I can control my reaction and decisions. I'm very happy to say that I've been keeping busy at work, I've been staying on top of school, and I've been working out five days a week. I'm doing a 20 week cut although it's not "cutting season". I really want to lose about 15-20 pounds in 20-30 weeks. Then I want to up my calories to 1800-2200 and do a little less cardio and a lot more weights.
It's really an awesome feeling to just accept total control for yourself. Mentally and physically. I've seen changes in my body and it's because of the work that I have put it. It's because of my dedication and commitment. I've been paying close attention to my body to make sure I'm not dizzy, I don't have headaches, and I'm not always starving. I've eaten in a high deficit but I did it for way too long and it was out of self hate. This time I'm only cutting for 20-30 weeks (instead of 3 years) and I'm also allowing myself to have sugar and carbs a little on the weekends and up my calories by a couple hundred once a week. All in all I've already lost about 5 pounds, my clothes are fitting looser, and my energy is up.
This week I finally hung up a tapestry that Breonna and Brandon got me for Christmas -- I love it. It's elephants, gray, and red -- my three favorite things. It makes my room darker and channels my inner hippy, which I love. Also I got fake nails for the first time ever... and removed them two days later. I type pretty fast (thanks to my mama and Mr. Halsey), but with those nails I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't grab anything, I couldn't do anything. Long story boring I soaked them in acetone for 30 minutes and I have my boy hands back.
I am also happy/sad to say that I have officially booked my flight back to Oregon. The thought of having to pack up all my stuff and ship it back across the country is a little daunting. I have made a life for myself here and I will, in essence, be getting rid of that. I'll smell, see, taste, feel, and hear things for the rest of my life that will remind me of New York. My first apartment, my first time paying rent, my first time becoming comfortable leaving the house alone, my first time cooking all of my own meals, my first time on a plane by myself. New York has provided me with a lot of firsts that I will forever be thankful for and proud of. The skyline will never cease to amaze me, the smells will never cease to intrigue me, and cites will never cease to mesmerize me. Whatever I choose to do from now will never be the same -- it'll be a different adventure filled with different firsts.
This weekend Emily and I will be getting giant ice cream sandwiches and I will be posting pictures!

Strength

Day 155 (1/15/2017)
Sometimes you need to stop talking and just start doing. I’ve been on my journey to health since I was about 15. I was very overweight at the time and in need of a lifestyle change. I dropped 35 pounds over the course of a year and a half and felt great. My blood pressure was normal, my self-confidence was up, and my health was great.

However, I’ve wanted more since about a year ago. Since the beginning/middle of my senior year I knew I wanted more. Sure, I’m healthy. I look fine. I can run. Walk. Hike. Jump. Stretch. This isn’t enough. Losing weight wasn’t hard for me – all I had to do was eat less. Then I slowly started adding in at-home-workouts and I’ve been able to maintain for about two years, which is great. I’m not going to discredit myself because getting off the couch is as hard for me as it is anyone else. Not eating those goodies is painful. Honestly since moving to New York I haven’t been avoiding crappy food at all. At this point my living in New York isn’t anything new. This is my life for now. I can’t pause my goals just because of my circumstances: you are in control of your reactions.

I’m excited to push myself mentally and physically. At this point I’ve realized that I can’t sit in self-pity over the fact that my New York living isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Okay, things didn’t turn out as expected… what can I focus on that is in my control instead? Myself. I can go to the gym five days a week and kick ass. I can eat like a clean machine. I can push my body to the limit just to see how far it can go. I can stretch myself mentally to enforce my strength.

I’ve done a lot of talking. At this point I’ve been in New York for five months and I only have four and a half left. I’m going to have something to show for it. Strength, control, focus, ambition, success, ability. I’ve had the same desires for over a year, yet I never did anything to reach for them. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result – it’s time to do something different.

Cheers to strength; be it determined for yourself both physically and mentally.

New Year, Same Me

Day 145 (1/6/2017)
It feels very odd to write "2017;" it seems as though 2016 just got here yet it seemed as though 2017 would never get here. In 2016 I graduated from high school, finished my first real job, solidified my best friendships, moved to New York, moved into my first apartment, started college, started working full time, met new friends, and ate a lot of very delicious food.
People can say that 2016 was terrible from Donald Trump getting elected to Carrie Fisher passing. However, I feel as though that is the pitiful way to look at the year. Although I spend enough time for two people sulking in my own mentally made up sorrows, I'd rather not put this whole year behind me as a total bust. Each year brings triumph and defeat -- that doesn't mean either one has to be absolute. Since returning to New York after Christmas vacation in Oregon I have been feeling down. Restless nights spent waking at four in the morning, a lack of emotional energy, and no will to keep any lasting conversation. However, the difference between me now and the January 2016 version of myself is that I know this feeling will not last. I know that tomorrow the sun will rise, the snow may fall, and it will still be up to me to choose what I put my energy towards.
Today, I have lived in New York for 145 days and today I have 145 days left in New York. I could put my energy towards missing home, I could put my energy towards my fear of missing New York once I'm gone, or I could put my energy towards bettering myself each and every day regardless of my circumstances.
Instead of deciding to make a positive change in your life once a year, why don't we decide to make a positive change in our life once a day? I've been going to the gym 3 times a week since I came back after Christmas break (granted it's only been two weeks). Yesterday the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym --I tried to make every excuse. "I'll go Friday and Saturday" "I'll just do a workout at home" "I'm sore so I shouldn't". Even in the midst of making these excuses I was drinking my pre-workout and lacing up my shoes. The old me would have given into these tempting excuses, heck, even 3 weeks ago I would have given into these excuses, but remaining stagnant doesn't induce change.
It's hard when you're feeling down to force yourself out of the comfort of your blanket even when you tell yourself that it'd be for the better. It's easy to give into what's comfortable because it's, well, comfortable. Comfort however, isn't going to change anything. Staying comfortable will take time away from the progress you could be making. I don't like going to the gym and when I'm feeling anxious the last thing I want to do is exert my energy in a crowded room filled with people who look anything but anxious.
I haven't been talking much because I feel like it takes a lot more energy than I have. I've been wound so tight I haven't even called mom which is saying something. I suppose instead of losing my marbles  and winding up tight again I'm trying to slowly cut the tension.
The New Year was fun, Emily and I had the huge artichoke pizza again and then went to a park in Brooklyn that had some cover singers and fireworks. The fireworks were crazy close to us and we thought the beginning of the year would be the end of our lives -- death by firework explosion. Other than that I've been working and reading. School starts up on Monday and I'm excited for my classes.

You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home

Day 136 (12/28/2016)
I had been longing to go home for the holidays. I was picking outfits, counting months, weeks, days, and making December plans in September, I was beyond ready. I left for the airport straight from work Thursday night and everything went smoothly. My flight was perfectly on time and a friend I made in NY was one row behind me!
When I got off the airplane it was a little surreal that I wasn't in New York anymore. I walked through the terminal searching through unfamiliar faces trying to find the one I knew. I found dad and we decided to grab a bite to eat at 1:00 in the morning! Now, in case you didn't know, I went a month and a half without any dessert food -- cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, pie, cake, anything. Sharrie's it was! S'mores pie, fries, and a grilled cheese sandwich was a great way to start off my Christmas vacation. Being the admitted talker that I am and the un-admitted talker that my dad is, we stayed up yacking until 4:00 in the morning which left only 4 hours until it was time to wake up. On the way to mom's house we stopped at Ron Tonkin in Wilsonville to check out some Ferrari's. I'm more of an old Rolls Royce and Cadillac type of gal, but they were pretty sweet.
I got to mom and pops and was beyond excited to see all of our
Christmas decorations alive and well. I walked in the door to hug pops and I finally felt my anxiety slip away. I was done counting down, I was done traveling, packing, waiting, and I was finally home. We went to visit mom at work and they fortunately let her leave early. We picked up my car from the body shop with it's beautiful new door and I hit the road.
I went to Maps in Monmouth to visit my dearly missed Maps Family. It was so great to see all of them and our dear friend Kelly. Honestly, the only way I could every get caught up with all of them is if I were there every day with them. I miss them dearly and hope their new NY mugs leave a little piece of me with them as their "Monmouth, OR" sticker leaves them with me.
Breonna and Emma are family. They're my sisters. I talk to them every single day and I couldn't hug them tight enough or talk with them long enough or laugh with them hard enough. Those two are the best friends I could have ever hoped to ask for and I am more than thankful for everything they have done for me. From decorating cookies, to eating too many sweets, to staying out late, and watching Christmas movies I couldn't have asked for anything more.
My dear uncle Tracy drove all the way over from Medford to visit the family -- I couldn't talk to everyone for very long but it was great to see him and I can't wait to live close to him. My sister was over all weekend and it was nice to be woken up early on Christmas instead of waking people up early. My dear Jonathan stopped by as well as Ariana and Dalia. I think everyone realizes how much it sucks being away from each other so everyone is making as many plans as possible for summer.
All in all, it was great to be back home. It gave me an extra boost of confidence and energy. I miss the clean air and family and trees and friends and rain with all of my heart, but I still have adventures left in New York to finish. Of course I'm excited to come home in June and yes, New York is still not the place for me however, these facts can not be my focus. I have ice cream to eat, a gym to hit, friends to laugh with, and a roommate to plan with still.
Thank you to everyone who saw me for Christmas and who has continued to follow and support my story. Happy Holidays!
Also: animal therapy is real and I missed my kitty's so much.

'Tis the Season for Ice Skating!

Day 122 (12/14/2016)
Everyone has asked me to go ice skating in New York so that they could see pictures. To be honest, the thought of ice skating was a bit scary being that I fall often without the added hardship of a thin blade on ice. Emily was out with a friend and they decided to invite four other people out including me. Emily was a doll and paid for my ticket so when I got off the subway I could just go to booth 7 and grab my bracelet.
We went to Bryant Park and they have the ice rink set up in hour and a half schedules so when I get there we had some waiting to do. As it turns out, everyone who we were with (six people) were all from Oregon. Emily and I from Salem, a couple from Eugene, and a couple from Portland. It still cracks me up that 3000 miles away in a city with over seven million people I always end up in a group of Oregonians.
Ice skates are supposed to be tight, but for me they were huge because they were out of my size and even the one above it. I stepped on the ice and immediately yanked on Emily's shoulders... I was a mess. After a few "step glide step glide" lessons I thought I had the hang of it... until I fell... three times. The skates were too big, the ice was too scraped, and I was too off balance. Fortunately I have an amazing roommate with ice skating experience and she held my hand the whole way. The crisp air and bright lights made for an amazing view. There were twinkling trees, steaming hot chocolates, and cold breaths. Skating on ice is a one of a kind feeling and was a great kick off to my Christmas spirit.
This weekend I was very productive and finished all of my Christmas shopping. We ventured out to Korean town -- I didn't even know that was a thing -- to see some cheap souvenir shops and yummy
coffee.
To reward ourselves for spending money for all of our Christmas presents we spent even more money on clothes! Blesses Buy, the second hand store near us, never disappoints. Although my wonderful parents sent me base layers and scarves and gloves I've still been cold. At Blessed Buy I got a giant sweater, a giant cardigan, a very "Manhattan" jacket, and another scarf. I was so happy to have more warm clothes and I'm excited to have even more after Christmas (wink wink). Although this weekend was great, the best part was that it snowed! Everyone in Oregon was posting pictures of snow and I was so jealous. Although we only got a dusting here and it didn't stick, it solidified the feeling of Christmas and gave me hope for January when we're supposed to get the most amount of snow.
It's crazy that It'll be Christmas so soon and I'll be in Oregon next Thursday. I'm really really really happy and excited to see everyone. I still don't really see people throughout the day especially since there haven't been parties at NYU I haven't really talked to many people and it kind of gets into my head. I feel boring but I know it's just because I don't really have anything to work on right now; no school, no books, no projects. I'm excited to visit Oregon and see everyone who I can completely be myself with.
Seeing more of the city has made me appreciate it more and I understand why people love it here, heck, I love it here, I just couldn't live my life here. It does get to me when people who moved here from Oregon talk so much shit about Oregon though. Just because it isn't for you doesn't mean it isn't right for others. That's been a huge lesson for me: everyone lives their life differently and that's okay.