You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home

Day 136 (12/28/2016)
I had been longing to go home for the holidays. I was picking outfits, counting months, weeks, days, and making December plans in September, I was beyond ready. I left for the airport straight from work Thursday night and everything went smoothly. My flight was perfectly on time and a friend I made in NY was one row behind me!
When I got off the airplane it was a little surreal that I wasn't in New York anymore. I walked through the terminal searching through unfamiliar faces trying to find the one I knew. I found dad and we decided to grab a bite to eat at 1:00 in the morning! Now, in case you didn't know, I went a month and a half without any dessert food -- cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, pie, cake, anything. Sharrie's it was! S'mores pie, fries, and a grilled cheese sandwich was a great way to start off my Christmas vacation. Being the admitted talker that I am and the un-admitted talker that my dad is, we stayed up yacking until 4:00 in the morning which left only 4 hours until it was time to wake up. On the way to mom's house we stopped at Ron Tonkin in Wilsonville to check out some Ferrari's. I'm more of an old Rolls Royce and Cadillac type of gal, but they were pretty sweet.
I got to mom and pops and was beyond excited to see all of our
Christmas decorations alive and well. I walked in the door to hug pops and I finally felt my anxiety slip away. I was done counting down, I was done traveling, packing, waiting, and I was finally home. We went to visit mom at work and they fortunately let her leave early. We picked up my car from the body shop with it's beautiful new door and I hit the road.
I went to Maps in Monmouth to visit my dearly missed Maps Family. It was so great to see all of them and our dear friend Kelly. Honestly, the only way I could every get caught up with all of them is if I were there every day with them. I miss them dearly and hope their new NY mugs leave a little piece of me with them as their "Monmouth, OR" sticker leaves them with me.
Breonna and Emma are family. They're my sisters. I talk to them every single day and I couldn't hug them tight enough or talk with them long enough or laugh with them hard enough. Those two are the best friends I could have ever hoped to ask for and I am more than thankful for everything they have done for me. From decorating cookies, to eating too many sweets, to staying out late, and watching Christmas movies I couldn't have asked for anything more.
My dear uncle Tracy drove all the way over from Medford to visit the family -- I couldn't talk to everyone for very long but it was great to see him and I can't wait to live close to him. My sister was over all weekend and it was nice to be woken up early on Christmas instead of waking people up early. My dear Jonathan stopped by as well as Ariana and Dalia. I think everyone realizes how much it sucks being away from each other so everyone is making as many plans as possible for summer.
All in all, it was great to be back home. It gave me an extra boost of confidence and energy. I miss the clean air and family and trees and friends and rain with all of my heart, but I still have adventures left in New York to finish. Of course I'm excited to come home in June and yes, New York is still not the place for me however, these facts can not be my focus. I have ice cream to eat, a gym to hit, friends to laugh with, and a roommate to plan with still.
Thank you to everyone who saw me for Christmas and who has continued to follow and support my story. Happy Holidays!
Also: animal therapy is real and I missed my kitty's so much.

'Tis the Season for Ice Skating!

Day 122 (12/14/2016)
Everyone has asked me to go ice skating in New York so that they could see pictures. To be honest, the thought of ice skating was a bit scary being that I fall often without the added hardship of a thin blade on ice. Emily was out with a friend and they decided to invite four other people out including me. Emily was a doll and paid for my ticket so when I got off the subway I could just go to booth 7 and grab my bracelet.
We went to Bryant Park and they have the ice rink set up in hour and a half schedules so when I get there we had some waiting to do. As it turns out, everyone who we were with (six people) were all from Oregon. Emily and I from Salem, a couple from Eugene, and a couple from Portland. It still cracks me up that 3000 miles away in a city with over seven million people I always end up in a group of Oregonians.
Ice skates are supposed to be tight, but for me they were huge because they were out of my size and even the one above it. I stepped on the ice and immediately yanked on Emily's shoulders... I was a mess. After a few "step glide step glide" lessons I thought I had the hang of it... until I fell... three times. The skates were too big, the ice was too scraped, and I was too off balance. Fortunately I have an amazing roommate with ice skating experience and she held my hand the whole way. The crisp air and bright lights made for an amazing view. There were twinkling trees, steaming hot chocolates, and cold breaths. Skating on ice is a one of a kind feeling and was a great kick off to my Christmas spirit.
This weekend I was very productive and finished all of my Christmas shopping. We ventured out to Korean town -- I didn't even know that was a thing -- to see some cheap souvenir shops and yummy
coffee.
To reward ourselves for spending money for all of our Christmas presents we spent even more money on clothes! Blesses Buy, the second hand store near us, never disappoints. Although my wonderful parents sent me base layers and scarves and gloves I've still been cold. At Blessed Buy I got a giant sweater, a giant cardigan, a very "Manhattan" jacket, and another scarf. I was so happy to have more warm clothes and I'm excited to have even more after Christmas (wink wink). Although this weekend was great, the best part was that it snowed! Everyone in Oregon was posting pictures of snow and I was so jealous. Although we only got a dusting here and it didn't stick, it solidified the feeling of Christmas and gave me hope for January when we're supposed to get the most amount of snow.
It's crazy that It'll be Christmas so soon and I'll be in Oregon next Thursday. I'm really really really happy and excited to see everyone. I still don't really see people throughout the day especially since there haven't been parties at NYU I haven't really talked to many people and it kind of gets into my head. I feel boring but I know it's just because I don't really have anything to work on right now; no school, no books, no projects. I'm excited to visit Oregon and see everyone who I can completely be myself with.
Seeing more of the city has made me appreciate it more and I understand why people love it here, heck, I love it here, I just couldn't live my life here. It does get to me when people who moved here from Oregon talk so much shit about Oregon though. Just because it isn't for you doesn't mean it isn't right for others. That's been a huge lesson for me: everyone lives their life differently and that's okay.

Day 115 (12/7/2016)
It's December... already? I still can not wrap my head around how fast these almost four months have gone by. I'm very happy with the person I'm becoming -- less stressed, more active, self aware, and authentic. I'm always looking for more healthy activities to add to my life and over the last few weeks
I've realized how much TV I watch. Way too much! So I decided to write and read after work instead of watching TV... the downfall to this was I only have one book in NY in a series that I really want to read. So now that I've finished one book I have to wait two more weeks to get the rest of the series from Salem.
Also, I've been writing more (not on my blog though). A year or so back I had a 'falling out' of sorts with a family member that left a deeper impact on me than I was originally aware. I wrote a truthful and potentially (rightfully) painful letter to her and it feels good to let go of some nonsense.
Last week, on November 30th, was the Rockefeller Tree Lighting! It started at 7:00pm and one fact I did not know was that a ten block radius surrounding the tree is all shut down and barricaded off starting at 3:00pm. Needless to say there were thousands of people and thousands of steps taken trying to see the tree. I ended up getting there too late to get up close to the tree but I did see a glimpse of it. Either way, it was worth it to me. There were light and trees and ribbons and bows and cold air -- it felt like Christmas. The night was foggy and then soggy; I got caught in a huge rainstorm and ended up sprinting
from 52nd and 5th to 49th and 7th. I didn't get a picture of the tree but I got an amazing picture of a building in the fog.
This weekend was another low key one. Emily had work to do and I had finals. All day on Saturday, meaning 9:00am Saturday morning to 1:00am Sunday morning, I was working on finals... then again all day Sunday... then again part of the day Monday. Despite countless distractions I finished my finals! That means I have officially finished my first term of college which is the craziest thing I have ever said (mind you, I have said some crazy stuff). These almost four months have flown by faster than I could have ever imagined.
When I first got here I was unhappy and sure that time would go by at a snail's pace. I'm so happy to say that I genuinely enjoy living here and will continue to explore the city. I'm happy to be doing well in school, although not as good as hoped for, so that I can transfer to Bend next year.
I haven't been going to the gym because honestly, I haven't wanted to. I'm cold literally all day and when I get home after work I just want to blast the heat and wear 3 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, 2 shirts, and a sweatshirt to finally be warm. I'm not feeling too guilty because I know I have been eating well. About a week and a half ago I decided to have no sweets -- cake, cookies, chocolate, candy, ice cream, froyo, doughnuts -- and no pizza until I go home for Christmas. I'm doing surprisingly well considering that I'm used to having ice cream 1-3 times a weekend.
I'm so so so excited to finally see my friends and family again. The time will be short but it'll be packed with baking and laughing and too many teenagers for my parents to handle.
This coming weekend should be filled with more activities to take pictures of and share with all of you, I'll be sure to post!

Thanksgiving in New York

Day 106 (11/28/2016)
It's crazy how many people I know in New York who were raised in Oregon... Anyways. A friend of mine and Abby's from high school is currently living in Chicago, he's Abby's best friend and came to New York for 5 days! He and Abby stayed at my place and by golly did we do a lot.
Thursday morning we had to wake up at 5:40... but for a good cause! We had to get up early enough to make it to Upper Manhattan in time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Of course we needed some seasonal caffeinated beverages from Starbucks before standing in the tourist crowded cold. The parade started at 9:00 so we only had to wait for about two hours before it started -- which wasn't bad because we had a lot of jokes to tell and a lot of catching up to do.
I personally don't watch the parade on TV every year, so I didn't know what to expect. The marching band started playing, the clowns starting walking, and the floats started driving. The balloons were huge especially when the wind would start to knock them over and you'd have to brace for potential impact! The marching bands were phenomenal, the balloons were beautiful, and the crowd was wild. I enjoyed the SpongeBob, star, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and Pikachu balloons the best. The parade felt as though it went by fast however, by the time it was over it was only 10:30!
To be honest I don't remember the majority of what we did on that Thursday. The most memorable visit was to the World Trade Center. It was a long haul downtown but it was well worth it. The memorial fountains are beautifully engraved with everyone's name who passed during 9/11. The park service keeps track of everyone's birthday and puts a flower out on their names. On 9/24 there were about 7 birthdays; I didn't know this but you can Google the names engraved around the memorial (or on the memorial flag) and it takes you to a blurb written about them by their family. It's beautiful. For our Thanksgiving feast we went to a traditional Ethiopian restaurant and had a "feast for three". The food was delicious -- the spices, the textures, the sauces -- all of it. After walking all up and down Manhattan we were all a little loopy and drew a lot of attention to ourselves while irrationally laughing in the restaurant. After 30,000 steps taken, we earned a good night of sleep.
But! We didn't get it. We decided to watch The Titanic until 2am instead and then proceeded to wake up at 7am. Abby and Matt are vegan so we found an amazing vegan doughnut shop to go to for breakfast, honestly they tasted better to me than regular doughnuts. Friday was a lot: doughnuts, puppies, shopping, pizza, Central Park, The Met, Whole Foods, and a lot of walking. After only 5 hours of sleep and 30,000 more steps, I was pooped. Matt, Abby, and I went back to my place and cooked some dinner before watching The Never Ending Story.
They left early Saturday morning to have a day to themselves before Matt had to go home. All in all I had an amazing time exploring different parts of the city and partaking in many tourist activities. I'm still feeling good, I realized after eating doughnuts and pizza and junk that what you eat really does take a toll on your body. I'm happy to be eating yogurt and granola for breakfast, quinoa stir-fry for lunch, and veggie patty's for dinner this week. I'll be happy to go back to the gym tonight and I'll be delighted to get on an airplane in 24 days.
I'm still feeling great and I know that it'll last because it's completely intrinsic. I've been spending a lot of time just thinking about the person I'd like to be, the things I'd like to do, and the way I'd like to feel; it's been helpful.
Also! I'll be posting a few pictures from this weekend on my Google+ account which you can view by clicking on my name in the top right hand corner!

Day 100

(11/22/2016)
It's been 100 days and a lot has happened! I've cried, I've laughed, I've gotten frustrated, and I've overcome. I've conquered the subway, the LIRR, Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Long Island. I've eaten loads of ice cream, dozens of pancakes, and many pieces of pizza. I've had my fare share of beer, diet peach Snapple, and Swiss Miss marshmallow hot chocolate. I've met new friends, lost old friends, and have stayed steady with best friends. I've reminisced about the past, stressed about the future, and overlooked the present. Needless to say, a lot has changed in these past 100 days. I've broadened my eating habits, I've met people from many different backgrounds, and I've learned what it's like to be young and hungry. I feel like it's okay to say that I'm proud of myself. In Salem I used to not want to go to a coffee shop, or the grocery store, or the mall, or anywhere by myself. I would always ask friends to run errands with me or I'd ask my mom to go. I used to get anxiety thinking about going anywhere public alone, yet here I am. I moved to New York by myself, I went to Manhattan with knots in my stomach by myself, I went to job interviews by myself -- all of it. It's just me. Yes, I talk to my friends and family a lot but they aren't here to physically support me or go to new places with me. They weren't here when I tried all of these new things by myself and honestly, that's huge for me. I'm proud of myself for becoming more open minded, and independent, and adventurous. Honesty, I'm doing great even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes -- that's what matters most.
I listen a lot to other people's advise, which I 1000% appreciate, but I think other people's voices are starting to muffle my own. I keep saying I want to do what *feels* right, yet I keep doing what everyone else is suggesting. I think it's time to stop always asking for advise and start actually living by what I promote.

This weekend was amazing! My friends and I went to a wild rooftop party Friday night and stayed out until 4am; I was so tired I actually fell asleep on the subway. On Saturday I went to a holiday flea market that has teamed up with Smorgasburg (the place with amazing food including the ramen burger). There was amazing food, a ton of people, and vintage clothing and nick-knacks. It was nice to explore Brooklyn a little bit because I usually only venture out in Manhattan.

My friend from Salem who now lives in Chicago is coming to NY tomorrow until Saturday. He, Abby, and I have a lot planned like the Macy's thanksgiving day parade, too much food, and a lot of dessert. I'll be sure to take a ton of pictures and post all about it this weekend.Today I'm feeling amazing. I've done laundry, completed my homework, and have cleaned the house. I didn't make it to the gym today but I didn't beat myself up about it -- I know I'm healthy and I'll make it to the gym when I don't have guests. I get to register for my winter term classes on the 2nd and am excited to be taking a variety of classes next term that will help me earn my TOL degree. I'm excited for what the next 7 months have in store for me.

Freshman Fifteen

 Day 94 (11/16/2016)

I’ve been working on my fitness and health very half-assed. I eat out for pretty much every meal on the weekend and I have ice cream 2-3 days a week. Monday night I went to the gym for the first time in three weeks; I spent an hour on the treadmill alternating between walking, running, mild incline, and steep incline. I did a lot of chores around the house after I got home so on Tuesday Emily thanked me with pizza and beer. We decided that a large sausage, mushroom, and olive pizza would be our last hoorah before we kick things into gear. Honestly, my goal is to move towards a plant based diet – not vegan or vegetarian. I still like burgers, I still like chicken, I still like yogurt, and ice cream, and omelets, and turkey. I just want to base my normal eating habits around mostly fruits, veggies, and whole grains to get away from more processed foods.

I’ve tried a lot of different eating habits – low carb, low sugar, restricted calories, flux dieting, no dairy – but nothing has left me with sustainable results. Since the beginning of summer I’ve definitely lost muscle in my legs and gained fat just about everywhere else which has left me unhappy with my looks and with my overall health. I’m excited to go to the gym tonight and do another hour of cardio. I think starting out by doing 2 days of cardio a week and one day of weights for a month is a good way to reset my body and my mentality.

I’ve stopped trying to force myself to go to the gym at 6:00 in the morning just to avoid people, so I have since sucked it up and dealt with the 7:00pm gym rush. Since being really set on living out my next 3 years in Bend, Oregon I’ve had a lot more motivation. Walking around on a flat concrete surface – even for a large amount of miles – doesn’t require a lot of physical strength at my current state. However, hiking, biking, swimming, boarding, and climbing do.

I’d hate to let my health slip for this year in New York and then return to Oregon with no physical stamina to do the things I’ve been yearning to do.

Last week, as I’ve said, I took a lot of time off from people and social outings. I stayed in and thought about “if I could do anything right now, what would it be?” The answer wasn’t “go see the Empire State Building” or “go to a party” or “go window shopping”, my answer was “go outside”. Just in general. I wanted to smell fresh air and see clean trees. Personally, I’ve been surprised by how much I’ve been missing the outdoors until I talked to my mom. She, and everyone else in my family, thinks I’m crazy for being surprised by this. As a kid I was always outside on my scooter, or roller blades, or at my elementary school playing foursquare, or at a park, or swinging in my dad’s backyard. I constantly had to be doing something and I was constantly outside with friends, but because I was fat I never thought of myself as an outdoorsy person. It’s funny what effects a poor body image can have on the rest of your life.

I’m enjoying my time here with my roommate, new friends, and old friends. I love the city lights and the restaurants, I love the ice cream and the clubs. I genuinely enjoy my days here but I’m excited to be working towards the goals I have set for my future. I’m excited for the school program I hope to join in the fall, and I’m excited to be close to the beach, the mountains, the forest, the water, and the desert. 

Day by Day

Day 89 (11/10/2016)
This week has flown by! I feel like I was just doing laundry and cooking lunches for the week, now it's already almost time to do it again.
This weekend I saw my friend Abby. She went to West as well and I've known her since sophomore year. We had college writing together and were about the only two on the same wave length as our teacher. She goes to a preforming arts school and it was so great to see her. It's nice to be able to have someone out here who I genuinely considered a friend in Salem and now still in New York. She has a lot of similar views and values as I, which makes things even better. She loves New York and plans to stay here for the greater portion of her future... but she wants to work on Broadway and New York is the only place you'll find that.
Talking to her and hearing about all the adventuring she has done here made me think that maybe I do want to stay here. I thought about how I could work for a small activist company, spend every other weekend going upstate to find a hike, and spend every other weekend exploring the city. But then I talked to Breonna. She always helps me clarify things, "whatever you choose to do just make sure it's what you want and what's best for you!" I have an unfortunate amount of consideration for other people's opinions and I let other people's desires to stay in NY effect my potential desires. Obviously I've only been here for (almost) three months and still have so much time to find my niche, decide what I want to do net year, and continue to explore the city that I live in now. I've just been taking time to be in the moment and say "that feels right in my life" or "this makes me feel uneasy" or "this is something I would do again". Staying present has really helped me feel better.
When I try to think about next year or the next three years I feel like there's a huge weight on me. I feel like I'm being crushed on my shoulders and on my chest. However, just living in the moment removes that weight, removes the fear, removes the anxiety. This week I've been taking each day as it comes; and it's already Thursday!
My grades are going up, the days are going by faster, and I'm much less sick. I still haven't gone to the gym because honestly I'm not very motivated to. At this point there are no intense hikes on my list, there are no high altitudes to weather, and I don't feel a pull to go to the gym. I'm still working on my eating, I've got a great plan for next week's eating that I'm genuinely excited about. I feel good, I can genuinely say that.
This weekend I'm going to spend time with Abby and her friends, I'm going to different bars than normal, a different part of the city that normal, and will be spending time with different people than normal. I think doing different things each week will help me to identify what I enjoy here, and if I go hiking in a few weeks maybe that'll help too; to see if I really miss it. I'll be visiting my family and friends in 6 short weeks which will further help me decide what I want in my life. The middle of the year was rocky but I plan to end it with a smooth finish.

Halloweekend

Day 75 (10/28/2016)
The weekend started out Friday night at the regular frat party. Emily and I had a very tough time deciding what costumes we'd wear this weekend for each event. Emily is obsessed with Star Wars, so we took that route. I wore a black Star Wars t-shirt with black pants, and a Darth Vader mask. She wore a white "Don't Be Basic" t-shirt that had clone wars storm troopers on it, as well as a storm troopers mask. Honestly, the masks were impossible to see out of, so we didn't really wear them. There were so many people, and costumes, and cliques at the party. It was a great time. Of course we got naan that night and left at the reasonable hour of 11 pm.
On Saturday I slept in so long, it was amazing. Before we got food, Google had a popup store on National Cat Day that had cats and phones and goodies! We took pictures with kitties and scarfed down too many cake pops. The new Google phones have a lot of cool features like the best camera ever one a phone (literally), a fingerprint scanner on the back, and a lot of built in Google features that most people don't utilize.
We headed downtown Manhattan towards Spring Street to go to a pizza shop called "Artichoke Pizza". Due to the name of the shop, we each got a slice of artichoke pizza. Now, the pizza was so big it took up two paper plates, the crust was about an inch thick, and was covered in artichoke dip. The picture doesn't do the pizza justice. It was about the length from my mid palm to my elbow. It was warm, and creamy, and cheesy it was phenomenal... and way more than we expected.
Neither of us finished our pizza because we had stilled planned to go get ice cream.
We walked around for about a half an hour looking for dogs, watching a bird man, and looking at peoples costumes in the park. Washington Square park is in the heart of the NYU campus. A lot of students study there, a lot of performers sing or dance or draw there, and a lot of people just enjoy a stroll through the small park.
Neither of us were ready yet, but we got our ice cream. Not just any ice cream, rolled ice cream. They take basically melted ice cream, pour it over a below freezing metal sheet, mix in toppings, spread it thin, and roll it up. I got cookies and cream because that's my obsession and Emily got matcha ice cream with boba in it. Honestly, our stomachs were dying and we were definitely going into a food coma. We both took naps then had to costume plan for the next party. We decided on Tom Cruise from Risky Business because it's the easiest costume ever. The first party was at a bar, the next at a frisbee house, and back to the frat house. Long story short, we didn't go home until 6:00 in the morning on Sunday and I didn't even get my laundry done that day. The weekend was great and honestly the greatest part was realizing that spaghetti fits my weekly macros!
I meal prepped for dinner and lunch and didn't buy any groceries that I could pig out on.
I'll feeling better finally today, feeling less sick, and will have a weekend full of Christmas movies, tea, soup, blankets, and ice cream.
I thoroughly enjoy my weekends with a lot of friends and parties, but I even more so enjoy my weekends at home with a few trips out for food.
Winter is coming and Christmas is finally in the air.

A Work in Progress

Day 81 (11/3/2016)
This weekend was a lot of fun (which I'll post about after this). I have a lot of genuine friends here and this weekend just solidified that. In realizing that I was making friends again I realized that I will, too, have to say goodbye to them one day. I will once again go through with my New York friends the same thing as I went through with my Oregon friends. For some reason the thought of always having to say goodbye was really upsetting me.
I emailed my mom and she gave me an answer I didn't want to hear "you will say good bye to people for the rest of your life, you will move, they will move, also changing jobs means saying good bye, and people will die.  Saying good bye is something you will need to learn to deal with... you need to stop focusing on what is going to happen in June.  You need to focus on today.  I am sure you have heard this before, but “Tomorrow is not a guarantee.”  Stop worrying about tomorrow, live in the now." Although I didn't want to hear it, I listened. I didn't reply. I let the message resonate.
I've realized that had I stayed in Salem or it's surrounding cities I would have been happy to be close to my friends and family, and I would have enjoyed my time. Also, if I stay here I'll be happy to be close to my new friends and I'll enjoy my time.
I've feared that if I move somewhere I don't know anyone at all my age (Bend) that I won't be able to make any friends, acquaintances, or connections. I'm currently (for now, haha) confident in the fact that no matter where I live at any time in my life, I will be social, I will make connections, and I won't be isolated. I also don't want to constantly worry about my social life because that should be the least of my worries.
I've been putting a lot of focus on things that aren't important. In the meantime I've fallen behind in school, health, and sleep. I feel a little bit "freed" this week. I feel okay doing whatever feels right to me. I'll have friends all over the world and I'll always have mom and pops and dad to go home to. I've been working diligently on my school work, I've been staying focused, and this weekend I'll be staying in bed eating soup and drinking tea to kick this sickness so I can have my energy and positivity back.
You can prepare and plan a decision as much as you want, but until you actually do it, you'll never know how it feels. I no longer dread my commute to work, I don't hate the bitter cold, and the honking is growing on me. I'm focusing on enjoy every little moment now instead of focusing on everything that I'm 'missing' in Oregon. I look forward to seeing old friends for Thanksgiving week, I'm looking forward to seeing family for Christmas, but I'm also looking forward to walking home in the wind tonight, listening to music on the train, and watching the trees change colors as I pass them by. I have a lot of good memories but I'm also making more right this very minute. 

The Differences I've Noticed

Day 71 (10/24/2016)
Hey everybody! Sorry I haven't been blogging as much. My roommate and I have been mildly sick for the past few weeks so we haven't been doing much adventuring. This weekend was a stay-at-home and watch movies weekend. Since I discovered what I really want to do and where I really want to be, it's been harder to stay focused on the now. But it's gets better every day!

From riding the train, to walking to streets, I've noticed a few minor, yet huge, differences between Oregon and New York.

1) The houses don't have garages. I work in Long Island, there aren't skyscrapers and thousands of people. There are rows and rows of houses with a few main roads of businesses. The houses look different, they're long and skinny, they're mostly brick, and they don't have garages! A lot of people here take public transit such as cabs, Ubers, and train, so garages are needed less. Also, when home owners do have cars the just park on the street... or in their backyard.

2) The backyards are paved! I see rows and rows of backyards for a couple hours a day and probably 80% of them are completely or mostly paved. Sometimes there will be a nice deck, or a nice fire pit area, but often times cars are parked in the backyard. I don't know why? I'm sure people on New York enjoy a nice summers day just as much as people in Oregon? But, maybe they go elsewhere to enjoy it or they're less home-bodied. Either way it makes for an interesting sight.

3) Drivers drive like animals, yet give each other an extreme amount of room when stopped at a light. I constantly hear horns honking, I constantly see cars going the wrong way down a one-way lane, I constantly see close-calls. Yet, when cars are stopped at red light, there's almost a whole cars length in between them. I don't understand they thought process of driving dangerously at high speeds, yet being delicate and careful once stopped.

4) The cars aren't dirty. In Oregon you can tell when a car is new; there's a sleek layer of clear-coat, the tires are jet black, and the headlights are completely unfogged. When I first moved here I kept wondering why every car looked so nice. I'd see a 2001 Hyundai Elantra (the very car I used to drive) and it'd look 10 years newer than mine... It's because there's no dirt. There's no grass or bark on the side of the road, there's no places to go mudding, there's hardly any leaves to fall. There is no dirt, no natural residue, nothing. Nothing get's on the cars to wear them down so even cars from the early 90's look relatively fresh.

5) The temperature difference is very slight. I'm used to leaving for school in the morning in 40 degree weather and coming home in the afternoon in 60 degree weather. However, that's not the case here. In the morning (around 6:00 am) is when the day hits it's coldest. Lately it's been around 65 during the day which is my favorite. However, it doesn't drop 20 degrees over night. It only drops about 5 degrees. The humidity and the buildings keep the temperature locked in making extreme temperature fluctuations very rare.

Back At It

Day 63 (10/16/2016)
It's been a week of low exercise and a lot of eating. Mom has been sick and she got me sick through the phone (I swear it's a legitimate way to get sick). Although I didn't have the flu, the glands in my neck were very swollen and I was very sleepy. I didn't workout until Friday, then again on Saturday. I upped all the leg machines by 20 pounds and did some serious inline cardio yesterday.
Today my sickness has gone from my throat to my nose. I can't stop sneezing and sniffling. Last week I had sandwiches for lunches and didn't really eat dinner. This week is back to rice and chicken
for lunch and eggs with chicken for dinner. I'll also hit the gym Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Hopefully the added calories and protein will kick the sniffles to the curb.
Friday was national dessert day, so of course Emily and I got ice cream. We went to a place called Oddfellows in Williamsburg. They had funky flavors like maple-bacon pecan, lychee sorbet, and cornbread. I had chocolate caramel toffee and sprinkle ice cream which was vanilla bean ice cream with sprinkles in it. The feel of the parlor was very 50's, the staff was great, and the flavors were very strong. I actually stayed on top of my homework this week so I went to bed early on Friday!
Saturday, Emily and I went to shops around Union Square to find electronics she needed for work. It was a complete bust, we were exhausted, and hungry. Food it was!
We went to a burger joint called 5Napkin. I had a "Spicy Blue" burger. It had jalapeno bacon with a jalapeno blue cheese sauce. It was cooked perfectly with a fresh crunchy bun to top it off. The place also had shakes. And we wanted shakes. I got a s'mores shake that had a marshmallow based ice cream with chocolate syrup and graham cracker chunks. It was delicious!
That night we went out again. It's nice to go some place every weekend where I can meet new people as well as see familiar faces. It's nice to say that I genuinely have many friends here. Also, Emily and I have a tradition to get naan every night after we go to a party.
I got my laundry and shopping done yesterday so today I got to sleep in yet again! My favorite things to do are: sleep, eat pizza, eat ice cream, and eat peanut butter. Honestly all I did was today was buy a small piece of luggage to use when I come home for Christmas and of course got more ice cream, We went to a place called Big Gay Ice Cream and it was amazing. It's soft serve ice cream with many cone options, filling options, and topping options. I got a "Bea Arthur" because I'm obsessed with the Golden Girls. It was vanilla ice cream coated with Nilla wafer dust in a waffle cone filled with peanut butter! It was delicious and a great way to end the week.
The past few weeks have been really good. I've stopped comparing myself to other people, I've realized that eating an unhealthy meal doesn't mean I'm unhealthy, taking a break due to illness is okay, and I'm really excited to go to school next year.
OSU Cascades has classes that genuinely appeal to me and things I've enjoyed since I was a child. I can honestly see myself living in Bend. I have always loved going to Bend every year to see my aunt and uncle. I like the dry climate, I like the outdoor options, and the busy downtown. I was talking to my mom and I actually said "it's okay, I don't need to plan my life out all right now" and I wasn't even forcing myself to say it! The point is: I can make it in New York, I love it here, I'm at peace with myself, and I'm excited for my future.

A Decision?

Day 57 (10/10/2016)
This weekend was laid back. Emily had work to do in Philly, at home, and at work. On Friday I went to a party like normal and had a great time seeing familiar faces as well as meeting new people. We were in a 60 story building with large terraces and an amazing view. I tapped out early and went to bed around midnight. Unfortunately the cold weather is catching up with me and I'm beginning to get sick so all Saturday I slept to try to kick it to the curb -- it definitely helped.
On Sunday Emily and I made pancakes for breakfast before she left for work. Of course I smothered mine in peanut butter and syrup! It's the best way to go! Then I took a nap on the couch while "watching" Forest Gump.
I didn't want to find new places to eat without Emily so I went to a local pizzeria and had a couple slices of cheese pizza. Then because 800 calories of pizza wasn't enough, I went and got frozen yogurt. Chocolate, cookies&cream, and dulce de leche frozen yogurt topped with cookie dough bites, Oreo crumble, chocolate pretzels, M&M's, and marshmallow fluff. It was amazing. Although I get virtually the same thing every time, I always feel like I've created a masterpiece.
I went home and picked up the apartment, did laundry while reading my accounting book, and went grocery shopping. I decided that I don't want to get tired of my rice and chick lunches, so I'm going with plain old sandwiches this week.
I went to bed very late last night because I procrastinated with my accounting homework again. However, I've been working on my school work already this morning and will be going to bed around 8:00 tonight so I can hit the gym in the mornin'.
I got to call my uncle Tracy and tell him some very exciting news last night:
I actually have my feet on the ground here. I'm saving money, I have friends, I have a job, and I've gotten my schooling balanced finally. I do like New York. I like the crazy drivers, I like the amount of cheap public transportation, I like the crisp mornings and the pigeons and the pizza and the people. I do genuinely enjoy it here. It's been a great 2 months (minus a few weeks of mental torture) and it'll be a great 10 months. But I think that's all it'll be. It'll be a life changing, eye opening, character building 10 months.
I have a lot of options for school next year; I could go to NYU, UofO, Chemeketa, CWU, Colorado Mountain College, etc. The point is I can do anything. I can write, I can balance spreadsheets, I can operate a business, I can manage people, I can teach students, I can draw plans for buildings. I can do anything. However I took a second to stop thinking about how I'm going to get what I want and instead started thinking more about what I want. Honestly, I can't see myself going to work every day writing articles for a newspaper or magazine, I can't see myself drawing and developing buildings, I can't see myself punching numbers and balancing spreadsheets. I can, however, see myself being outside, teaching people, and traveling. Impossible to have as a job? False.
OSU Cascades is located in Bend, Oregon and has a major in "Tourism and Outdoor Leadership." It's a great way to learn about business and communications as well as outdoor risk management, touring other countries, and guiding others on trails.
I used to want multiple homes, millions of dollars, and extravagant everything but I've begun to realize, that doesn't strike my fancy anymore. I don't care about things. Although purchases and ownership makes some people happy, it doesn't for me. I want to travel, and hike, and teach people about trails and natural history. I want to have 4 seasons of weather and a lack of smog.
I'm greatly leaning towards OSU Cascades and I'm very excited about it. I won't be happy to be a Beaver, but I'll be happy to be in Bend.

Relax

Day 54 (10/7/2016)
Honestly, time has flown by. 54 days is a (relatively) long time, and in that time a lot has happened.
Last week was tough getting used to working out and eating healthy and doing my school work. But this week has been much better. I went to the gym on Tuesday and went again today (Friday). Although it wasn't a set schedule, after working out tomorrow I'll get my 3 days in, and that's all that matters to me. I've put less pressure on myself to plan an exact schedule each week -- it's been extremely helpful. Also, I've stopped trying to cut my calories so much, I don't want to lose weight, I want to gain muscle. I want to be strong. In order to fuel my muscle growth I've been eating more, and let me tell you. It's been amazing.
This has been the 2nd week of school and I realized that I put too much on my plate. I decided to drop a class due to it's confusing layout and the fact that I already know a lot of the information in the course. It feels much better only having to manage and complete 3 classes instead of 4. If I really focus I can get my classes done Monday-Thursday at work, so if I want to get ahead I can do that too, which will eventually elevate even more stress.
I think working out consistently and focusing my brain power on school work has helped my anxiety a lot. I've come to realize that I have many options for school next year and no matter what I chose it'll be a good decision. If I go to a school that isn't in New York I'm not going to doom myself for the rest of my life. And if I go to a school that is in New York, then I'm going to need to find places to hike (lol, right?).
I miss my family and friends dearly but I am starting to make a life for myself here and it feels great to be independent. I've gotten close with my family over the last few years so of course I still talk to them often, but at this point it's not because I need to talk to them. It's because I want to talk to them; and that's made a huge difference.
I normally want an exact plan for everything that I do. I constantly make lists and spreadsheets and I clarify times and I make countdowns. I'm very systematic. That's why I chose business and why I chose New York. I thought it was the most logical place to go for exponential business growth. But as I start to reflect on myself (why I did this, I don't know. It messed everything up) I've realized that I'm not very passionate about business on a large scale. Of course I loved my business classes in high school, I loved running the Titan Branch, and I loved doing marketing. I was passionate about the Titan Branch. It benefited my school, my community, and myself. Plus I had Mrs. Kilfoil which motivated me more than anything.
If I'm not interested in what I'm doing, if it's making me fall asleep, then I'm not going to do my best work. I just want to major in, and work in an industry that is going to allow me to give it my all. Some people may think I've lost my strength, some people may think I have failed, and many will question my decision to change courses. However, I feel so much better realizing that I'm not stuck somewhere that I don't want to be. I'm no longer doubting myself, I have motivation, I have enthusiasm, and I have energy (for the first time in my life). Moving out and living here has been very mentally cleansing. I know that I can take care of myself, I know that I can trust my decisions, and I know that I don't need to be coddled (uh-hum, Joe).
 I'm finally not terrified of the future, I'm genuinely ready and excited.

Day 50 (10/3/2016)

I'm writing this on Monday instead of Sunday because I didn't go and do my laundry yesterday, so I didn't sit down and write. I had more important things to do. Like get frozen yogurt. Come on people, priorities!!
This week has been a good one, and this weekend has been an even better one. This week I learned. I learned that no matter what I do, there is going to be someone who just doesn't like it. This, however, does not mean that I should give up on trying new things. This means that I should give up on caring about other's thoughts on my trying new things.
I moved to New York. I live in New York. Maybe I'll stay here for another 7ish months, maybe I'll stay here for another 3 years, maybe I'll stay here forever. The important part is: I no longer feel stuck due to the opinions and judgement of others. I, and you, have a whole world of options. How dare I not challenge myself, see the scenery, change my circle, and explore all of my options. It would be ridiculous and immature of myself to stay somewhere that I didn't feel right strictly because of the potential judgement from others. This week I realized that I have options and nobody's opinion will change that fact.
Anyway!
This weekend was great! Emily and I got fancy Italian dinner and dessert. I had Pancetta Ravioli in a 4 cheese balsamic vinaigrette sauce. The dish was amazing. Truly, truly authentic Italian. We finished off dinner with tiramisu. I'm getting more used to the flavor of coffee, I actually enjoy it now, so the tiramisu was delicious. Mocha-y, chocolaty, fluffy, it was great.
On Saturday Emily and I ventured around our neighborhood to see what kind of shops Myrtle had to offer. 99 cent stores around every corner, small department stores, packed Hallmark stores, and puppy shops. Yes. Puppy shops. We saw puppies galore. To reward ourselves for not buying a dog, we got frozen yogurt and bubble tea. We went out with Daniel and Justine Saturday night and Sunday afternoon Justine, Daniel, and I went out to brunch. Of course I had pancakes but they weren't smothered in peanut butter and syrup this time. They were enhanced with a slice of butter and topped with fresh fruit.
Emily and I didn't go to any crazy ice cream shops this weekend, but we did get frozen yogurt twice and we had BBQ rib pizza which was to die for -- it was clearly more elegant that $1 cheese pizza.
Going to work today I still don't have much to do. But I do have school to learn from, I have cold air to breathe from, and I have great people to grow from. Not feeling stuck in New York allows myself to think of more options: Colorado, Washington, Oregon, London, Maine, etc. Also, spending more time with people here give me more of a hope that NYU may still be a good option for me. Regardless what I decide to do for schooling I'm going to make the decision that is best for ME. I appreciate everyone's support, suggestions, and guidance, but ultimately I will have to be the one to make my future decisions. At the end of the day it's me alone with my thoughts and my life choices. I'd like to do something that leaves me sleeping easy and excited to wake up in the morning. Until then.

Day 45 (9/28/2016)

Where the heck has time gone? Somehow it's almost October and there are just over 3 months left in the year of 2016. It feels like I'm still just a freshman in high school meeting new people, learning new things, and discovering wonderful teachers. But. I'm not a high school freshman. I'm a college freshman and honestly that freaks me out.
Yesterday was another rough day. I got up and worked out at 6am, took a shower and had my smoothie, but by the time I was walking out the door I was already exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open walking to the subway and I had to set an alarm on the train to ensure that I didn't miss my stop. Work was slow, but I actually got all the assignments for one of my classes done. I tried to remain productive and I tried to remain positive, but it's hard some days.
I stress about money, school, work, and heath for the now, but I also stress about school, work, and living arrangements for the future. I don't like not having a plan because without a plan I don't have something definitive to work towards. I understand that this is a normal part of life, most people don't have an exact plan, I'm only 18, and shouldn't be stressing myself this much. I just feel as though my life is going by day by day without my control. But that is the way time works.
However, I do know what I want to do for school. I really want to go to NYU and live on campus at least for my first year there. It'll be difficult to go from having my own apartment to living in a small space with 2-5 other people, but it will give me a chance to meet more people and more specifically will give me a chance to meet more like minded people. My grades are good, but my SAT scores weren't the best. Hopefully with good grades, okay test scores, and a great essay, I'll be able to get in. Because I'll be a transfer student I have even longer to apply, think, and practice.
Today has already been better. I went to bed early and slept in until 7:30. I added more protein to my smoothie and ensured that I'd have bread with peanut butter to eat as soon as I got to work. I have more energy and have already gotten a few things done. There are ups and downs no matter your economics, place of residence, age, amount of support. None of that matters. There will be success, and there will be struggle.
I often go through life taking shallow, fast paced breaths (figuratively), so maybe it's about time I slow down and take a couple deep breaths (figuratively).

Day 42 (9/25/2016)

I wrote this on Sunday 9/25, but didn't post it until today 9/27

Laundry day. Just like every other Sunday. I actually had some protein before I came here this time so I’m not in such an unpleasant mood. It’s surprisingly calm here today. Not very many people doing laundry which means less children, thankfully. I see people here who carry 1-3 huge bags of laundry from who knows how far away. It makes me thankful that I only have myself to take care of. No significant others, no children, just me. Just one little apartment split down the middle and just one small bag of laundry to waddle down the street.

This weekend has been yet another fun one. Friday night I went out with Daniel and Joey and some of their friends. Emily didn’t come this time so it was nice to be able to socialize without her support. We went to a rooftop party with an amazing view. It rained on us but I was more than happy about it. I didn’t come home until 3am, but it was a really good time and I even had a hilarious conversation with a stranger on the subway (don’t kill me, mom).

Saturday I woke up early… unfortunately. The Bagel Store in Williamsburg with the rainbow bagels also has a plethora of amazing bagels and cream cheeses, so we headed there for brunch. I had a pumpkin bagel with pumpkin cream cheese because ‘tis the season. The pumpkin wasn’t too overbearing; it was just perfect. It also wasn’t sweet like a muffin. It was savory and hardy. Emily had a cinnamon sugar bagel with Nutella and it looked amazing.

We were originally planning on getting noodles for lunch, but there was an Italian street carnival/fair going on for the weekend in Little Italy so we went there instead. There was a carousel, there were fair games, there were cannoli’s and pastries left and right. There was lasagna and baked ziti and alfredo and pizza and calzones. It all looked and smelled AMAZING. However, we weren’t really feeling pasta so we got chicken sausage with peppers on a giant hoagie roll. It was so good. I haven’t had amazing bread since I left Oregon (because it’s expensive and I don’t have room for the baking ingredients, not because of a lack of amazing bread here) and I’m not normally into peppers, but I have no complaints about this delicious Italian sandwich. Afterwards we went to Blessed Buy, which is a local thrift shop and I got a real winter jacket; New York, bring on the cold.

Today we got up a little later (thank goodness) and headed to Manhattan for $1 pizza. Honestly pizza has always been one of my favorite foods so I have it rather often here, especially for only $1. However, the main dish of the day was soft serve ice cream in a churro cone. We waited around an hour for this bakery to open and finish baking their churros. Everyone in there was very nice, let us pre order, and was very happy to help us. The ice cream I got was coated in rainbow sprinkles and the churro had chocolate ganache in it. Mine and Emma’s joke, whenever I get an absurd ice cream cone, is “diabetes, no… happy diabetes”. And let me tell you, with a churro cone, it’s as happy as I could be.

Although I love eating sweets and carbs and fat, it’s only a weekend thing for me. My goal is to eventually do a 12-hour hike, and eating more than 2 sugary/bready meals a week won’t help me get closer to my goals. I’m going to the gym 2-4 days a week doing legs, abs/arms, legs some more, and cardio. I’ve come to realize that people go to the gym to look a certain way, to be able to talk about going to the gym, or to brag about what they can lift. I’ve come to realize (after 5 years) that I’m going to look however I’m going to look. There isn’t one body type that says “healthy”, there’s heath on many different body types. I no longer base my goals on a number or a look. I base my goals on physical ability and capability. I’m excited to see the places my body will take me.

Day 40 (9/23/2016)

Second Day at the Gym
Again, when I woke up this morning I was trying to convince myself not to go to the gym. Saying that I needed sleep, or that I could go in the afternoon, or tomorrow morning. But once again, my desire to live a healthier lifestyle out weighed my desire for laziness.
So, unfortunately even after working out on Wednesday, I was hardly sore at all. I was disappointed in myself but then I stopped that. This was my first time in a gym in probably 10 years so I needed to get a feel for what my body could do. I lifted too light on Wednesday so today I made sure I didn't.
I started with a 20 minute cardio warm up which included 10 minutes of running. My sophomore year I could run over three miles... let's just say that isn't the case anymore. I was happy with 10 minutes but even happier knowing I could have done more.
I did legs again because if you know me you know I'm obsessed with toned quads and big legs; being that I have naturally larger legs. I stepped up every machine by 15-20 pounds and felt great! I definitely broke a sweat and pushed myself harder. My legs felt like Jell-O at the end of the workout and I was already sore. Tomorrow and Sunday I'll be even more sore, but Monday morning I'll hit the gym to work on abs and arms.
On the train to work I so desperately wanted to fall asleep. I could barely keep my eyes open. However, when I got to work I had a piece of bread with peanut better and am feeling less tired than I did at this time on Wednesday. It's a small step, but it's an improvement.
This weekend will be filled with a lot of carbs (planned bagel and noodles) as well as a lot of sugar (of course we're going to get ice cream) so I feel better going into the weekend knowing that the last few days my diet has been seamless and I worked hard in the gym. I'm going to enjoy being relaxed and eating junk food a few days (I'll post about it on Sunday). But come Monday, I'll be excited to hit the gym again.
Thanks for all the support!

Day 38 (9/21/2016)

First day at the gym.
The last year or so I've been trying to move my body more. Join my parents in hiking, workout to Fitness Blender videos, go for a walk, head to the beach for some sand activities -- the list goes on. Since the beginning of sophomore year I've lost 35 pounds which I'm very proud of, but there's still more that I want to do.
I used to base my goals off of a certain look or weight, and at first that was good. At 190 pounds getting down to 160 was a reasonable and healthy goal. However, being 155 with large legs it's hard to pinpoint a weight goal from this point because I'm already healthy but I'd like to lose some more fat and gain some more muscle. Also I can't look at another person's picture and say "I'm going to look like that" because I'll never look like 'that'! I'll always look like me, just maybe smaller in the middle. That's all. My goal is no longer fixated on a number or a look. My goal is based off of ability. I want to be strong. I want be able to hike for hours. I want to increase my lung capacity. I want to increase my heart's strength. So. What am I going to do? I'm going to be strong. I'm going to hike for hours. I'm going to increase my lung capacity. I'm going to increase my heart's strength. And it started last night.
When I first moved to New York I wanted to join a gym but I decided to wait until after I got a job. My rationale for this was that I wanted to spend as little from my savings as possible. Then I got a job. This is my 3rd week. I decided that I was going to wait until I started school to join a gym. My rationale for this was that until school started I wouldn't know how much free time I'd have in my day. Then I realized that even after school started I'd find another excuse: after the holiday's, once it warms up more, once my allergies are gone, and so on and so on and so on. I realized that I would never join a gym if I made it conditional to another circumstance. So last night. I didn't go home right after work. I went to Planet Fitness. Got a tour. Gave them my info. And became a member.

I get home around 6:40pm and once I'm home I like to make dinner, watch some TV or read, then head to bed, so I didn't want to workout in the afternoons. Plus once I get home and kick off my shoes, I'm less inclined to put them back on. So the mornings it is!
I decided that 6:00am was wake up time. I woke up at 6:00 this morning as planned and IMMEDIATELY thought "nahh, I can go after work, or I can go tomorrow morning." My first day at the gym! After all those motivational thoughts!What was I thinking? I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and got to the gym around 6:20. I hit the treadmill for a quick warm up them hit every single leg machine available. I'm not really a cardio bunny. I do enjoy running but not for long distances and not very often. I like to walk to loosen my muscles and get my blood flowing. I'm more of a weights person. I want muscles. I want to be able to walk a staircase that goes on forever -- or a hike with tree roots as stairs that go on forever (Cascade Head, Neskowin, Oregon).
I stayed for about 45 minutes and cooled down with the walk home. I got ready for work, had my smoothie and realized that I needed more. I had a protein bar with breakfast and packed a piece of bread with peanut butter for an extra snack. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle and add endurance; this requires fuel. And food is fuel. I've been eating very clean and I feel good.
I almost fell asleep on the train to work and was a little pooped when I got to the office, but this is only day one. I'll hit the gym again Friday morning no matter how much my body doesn't want to.
It's all mind over matter -- or so I'm told.

Day 36 (9/19/2016)
I had intended to write this last night, but alas life got in the way. I had food to buy, lunches to make, laundry to do, and a smoke alarm to tackle.
This weekend was busy busy busy, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I worked out three days last week which included Friday; no going out, no parties, no lack of sleep, just another good clean day. On Saturday Emily and I got up and headed to Williamsburg. There's an even going on right now with dozens of food and ice cream tents filling the air with a fried food aroma. Heaven. We got burgers. But not just any burgers. We got burgers with noodles for the bun. The noodles were cooked to perfection, the patty had cheese, lettuce, and a sweet soy sauce on it. It was mouth watering good. After a small food coma we headed over to Williamsburg Cinema and watched a movie to kill some time and get out of the heat.
Some students from UofO that Emily knows were here for the week so we met up with them at Central Bar -- they play the Duck games and let all ages in. It was awesome to be surrounded by former Oregonians who were all intensely invested in the game... and intensely devastated in the end. Come on Ducks!
I went home rather early and had an amazing night sleep. It's consistently cooling down for the season and I couldn't be happier because that means pumpkin everything.
On Sunday's I normally wake up around 10, but instead I woke up at 8 this weekend. The only plans we had for the day was ice cream, and although I'd love to have ice cream for breakfast, the shop didn't open until noon. We decided to kill some time early on. We headed for the Financial District to find Century21 -- 65% off name brands 100% of the time. Unfortunately we couldn't find what we were looking for, so instead we grabbed a snack before walking 2 miles to get ice cream -- the dedication is real.
Okay. So. This place, called Ice and Vice, is an amazing ice cream shop but... it's located on the way outskirts of Chinatown. It's amazing nonetheless, but would have much more business in Manhattan. They're similar to Salt and Straw with their funky flavors but wayyyy better with they richness. I had a scoop of dark chocolate ganache ice cream with a scoop of sea salt vanilla ice cream in a birthday cake waffle cone. I know it sounds like a lot, because it was, but it was amazing. The texture was seamless and creamy, the ice cream was perfectly frozen so it wasn't impossible to eat without a spoon and it wasn't dripping the second it hit your hand.
I'm very health oriented, even more so recently, however I believe in balance. Everyone has tried to tell me this my whole life (shocker), but I thought everything had to be strict and restrictive. I've began to learn that it's not possible or healthy for me to say "I can only eat these specific foods and I'm only going to eat them at this specific time" because then I think about when can I eat when can I eat when can I eat. And if I were to eat food that wasn't on my list I'd feel like a failure. The point is, sugar is fine in moderation, junk is fine in moderation, couch potatoing is fine in moderation. Life is all about balance. Do what keeps your body healthy, but also do what makes you happy. Enjoy life, enjoy that ice cream, soak up that fresh air, laugh at that tv show, enjoy it all. And don't let anyone decide what "happiness" is for you.

Day 32 (9/15/2016)
It has officially been one month since I moved to New York. It's been one month, yet my mind feels as though it's been years and I've done nothing with my life.
Living with anxiety is tough. Rationally understanding that worrying is unnecessary and counterproductive -- but being unable to control it. My mind feels as though it's racing in 100 directions at all times: when can I eat, join a gym, but a gym is intimidating, leave 30 minutes early so you're not late, ugh you left too early now you have to wait forever, okay go to sleep now, but I want to do this, follow your eating plan, eat everything right now, lose weight, I'm okay how I am, just watch Netflix, no do something productive -- and this is just 2 minutes in my head.
The only time I have peace is when I'm on the train to or from work listening to music.
If I wanted to workout in the morning I'd have to wake up around 6:00am or 6:15am which would be good to go in the morning because it wouldn't be busy, but I'd have to get up early. Or I could go after work around 6:45pm, but then I wouldn't be eating until around 8:00pm, then I wouldn't have time to school work after that really. But I suppose that is the life of a college student: doing everything desired except sleeping. Work is slow so hopefully I'd be able to get a lot of school work done during the day there.
If I could get up at 6:00am three days a week and workout for an hour, I'd be set. Then I could go to work and get some school done and have time for homework after and hopefully head to bed around 9:00pm. Then the two other days I could wake up at 7:30am and get ready for work, then I could go to bed around 10:30pm and have even more time for homework afterwards. That's a good goal. That's obtainable.
You see? These are the thoughts that race through my head every second of every day. My computer and phone are full of to do lists, and spreadsheets, and idea lists, and so many other compulsive thoughts that I can't control.
Senior year was tough due to all the changes, but moving to New York is insane. I'm constantly torn between wanting to go hiking and run and do something with my energy (which Oregon can offer) but I also want to be involved in the fast pace business world (which New York can offer). I rationally understand that I don't have to decide anything right now, but I irrationally think I need everything planned out to the exact minute right now.
I also understand that being confused is a part of being a young adult. I've always been so confident with everything that I do, but I feel as though I'm slowly becoming timid, which I don't like. I almost feel as though I'm losing a sense of myself like it's slipping away and I just can't quite grab it to pull it back. It's an awkward feeling to experience and it isn't familiar.
I'd like to make clear that anxiety isn't something that someone can just "get over". It's not being momentarily anxious. It's having anxiety. It's low serotonin levels in your brain. You can't "snap out of" biology.
I just feel very lost. I hope I can find the beauty in being lost rather than the disaster.

Day 28 (9/1/2016)

Searching through the whole apartment trying to find $2.25 in quarters. Walking a few blocks with 15 pounds on my shoulder, a phone on my hip, and a laptop in my hand. Oh the joys of Sunday laundry.

Today I’ve pretty much only eaten sugar so excuse my piss-poor-sugar-crash-lack-of-sleep attitude.

This weekend has been a busy one. On Friday I went to another party at NYU. I got there around 9:30 and it was dead, but a few people from last weekend were there. All of a sudden, twenty minutes later, the music was blasting and the party was poppin’ – apparently too poppin’ – the cops showed up at 10:30 (which is very early). The host’s spoke to them and were told to send everyone home. I personally wasn’t upset, I wanted to go home anyway. However, I talked to a girl, Justine, who I met last Friday. She is also form Oregon and even knows my best friend Emma; I never expected that.

We both are anti-getting in trouble, so we were

relieved to leave the party unbothered.

So it’s the weekend, right? Most people sleep in at least an hour more than normal. Not me apparently. I not only didn’t sleep in; I woke up 30 minutes earlier than I do for work – but not by choice. It’s been hot again the last few days and from 7am-10am the sun light in my room is terrible. I wake up sweating and feeling like death. So the last few nights I’ve only gotten about seven hours of sleep, but I’ll sleep good tonight – I can feel it.

Saturday morning, I woke up and was very lazy. I spent a good two or three hours watching TV on my computer. However, I had a plan for the day. Cookies! Not just any cookies. Amazing cookies. There is a bakery called Levain Bakery. They make cookies, brioche, bread, pound cake, all the good stuff. I got a dark chocolate peanut butter chip cookie and it was amazing. The cookie was slightly crunchy on the outside and doughy on the inside. It was very rich and almost had a fudge consistency. It racked in at 606 calories, but was oh so worth it. I found a shady place along the curb to pop a squat and devour this baked gold. There are two or three different locations for Levain Bakery – I went to the one near 117^th street – which is very uptown. I had to take the L train all the way to 8^th avenue (across Manhattan) then take the C to 116^th street (up Manhattan). It was about an hour ride each way, and it was roughly 90 degrees which felt like 100 degrees, but it was so worth the effort. I brought one home for Emily who had to work all weekend, then returned to being lazy the rest of the day.

Today though, was a different story. Justine, Daniel, and I (all from Salem), decided to go to a place called Black Tap in Soho which is known for its milkshakes and burgers. Knowing me, I wanted to go for the shakes. I’ve heard a lot about Black Tap and normally there is a crazy line, but being that it was a Sunday, we only had to wait for about 20 minutes. We ordered a “Cookies Shake” and a “Sweet and Salty Shake” with an order of Idaho fries and sweet potatoes fries. We knew that the milkshakes were large so we split two orders of fries and two milkshakes between the three of us. We devoured the fries and immediately regretted it once the shakes came. The Cookie Shake had a heaping pile of whipped cream with two ice cream sandwiches and vanilla frosting on the side. The Sweet and Salty Shake had heaping pile of whipped cream with large pretzels, chocolate, peanut butter, and M&Ms on the side. We pounded down the whipped cream and toppings until we realized that there was still actual milkshake left. We all had a few sips of each shake and had to give up. Although we didn’t get any, the burgers looked amazing and are definitely worth going back for.

We decided to give ourselves some time to come out of our food comas so we went to Justine’s dorm to see how she lives. Her bedroom view is killer (at right). I long for the day to wake up to a view like that… but I also want a view of the beach or mountains or a forest… but that’s a different story.

Daniel and I say “cya” to Justine and headed for the subway; I was very thankful for the walk. Fortunately, I had a small breakfast and plan on only having chicken for dinner so it wasn’t too bad.

When I got back home I Skyped my dad for about two hours and had a good conversation about work – oh yes, work. For work I have to leave around 8:15am, get on the L towards Queens, get off at East New York, get on the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR) at 8:47am, and get to work by 9:30am. I have a lot of computer/sitting work to do, which I’m not used to but at least I’m good with excel and like programs. I get off work at 5:30pm, get on the LIRR at 5:42pm, get to East New York, get on the subway towards Manhattan, and finally get home. It’s about an hour commute each way, but I like having that time to just look out the window and listen to music. It’s relaxing. I get home around 6:45pm, eat some dinner, work on scholarships, drink tea, and head to bed.
I’m excited for school to start on the 26^th. Even though it’s only online I’m excited to start learning again and adding more value to myself. I like having books to read and things to do and lessons to finish. I like having tasks to complete.

Monday-Friday are the typical 40 hours a week work week, but the weekends are for new adventures. I just wish some of the adventures included nature or the water or a hike – maybe in the fall.

Day 24 (9/7/2016)

My first and second day of work are completed! Eight hours a day, five day a week. I’m a regular worker bee. Last night I got home from my first day of work and wanted to head to bed (around 8pm), but I had to go grocery shopping. I wish I still ate like crap because let me tell you, candy and chips sound so good sometimes… but I don’t. I eat boring things like rice, chicken, rice cakes, whole wheat sandwiches, fruit smoothies, etc. But on the weekends Emily and I go out. We’ve decided to find a new sweets place (cookies, ice cream, cake) on Saturday’s, and either go to breakfast or get a savory meal on Sunday’s. Personally I like it best when we find cookies, ice cream, and sweet breakfast foods, but she’s more into savory foods, so we keep each other balanced.

It’s interesting seeing people going back to school for their first day of senior year today. That glorified day was only a year ago for me, but it feels like forever. I’m trying to think of all the things that have changed since my first day, honestly I couldn’t even think of everything if I’ve tried. Of course there’s been loss. But there’s been so much gain. Breonna, Emma, and I got a lot closer and had many adventures. I had the best job in the world. I turned 18. I flushed toxic people from my life. I graduated from high school with all my best friends. Oh yeah, and I moved to New York.

That last one has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s funny looking back at old memories and thinking “I wanted to move to New York then. Even then. Even they knew I wanted to move to New York” and here I am. I thought I’d never say the words “I miss high school”, but I kind of do. My college writing class was amazing, I figured out who my true friends were, and my whole life was about the Titan Branch and Maps CU, of which I loved. However, I would not go back even if I had the chance to. There is so much beyond high school and even college. In high school, I thought I knew everything and I thought I had my life all planned out. Then I did the only thing I ever wanted to do and here I realized that my 18-year-old self doesn’t in fact know everything. How crazy is that?!

I kind of feel like a stick in the mud now to be honest. Thinking that you know everything adds a certain amount of un-backed confidence, but when you realize that you still have a lot to learn, it can be kind of intimidating. But I’m ready. When I first moved here I was so culture shocked. I was so afraid. I felt so alone. I just wanted to go back home. And Oregon is always an option. Manhattan is an option. Upstate is an option. The point is, I have limitless options – as does everyone else. Just because you’ve been doing the same thing for an x amount of years doesn’t mean that you can’t decide to change what you’re doing. (It’s funny because everything I’m saying is what my mom told me).

I’ve just begun to realize that I’m not stuck. I have options, I have the work ethic to execute those options, and in the words of Frank Sinatra, “if I can make it here, I know I can make it anywhere.” I’ve been kind of a stickler, stuck on the computer between job applications, scholarship applications, college research, and Netflix that I feel like I need to get out more. Emily and I are going to another NYU party on Friday and hopefully we’ll go to this amazing looking cookie shop on Saturday. But if Emily can’t come, then I’m going to go by myself. She’s not here to take the place of holding my hand. She’s here to do her thing, as am I. By June I want to go to the World Trade Center, top of the Empire State Building, Liberty Island, a zoo, and 5 famous places to grab a bite to eat.

I love to take pictures, I love to write about my experiences, and I love to let everyone know what I’m up to. And as of right I’m working and focusing on school. But don’t worry. More adventures are to come.

Day 22 (9/5/2016)
It has officially been 3 weeks! To think that 3 weeks ago I woke up at 6am, grabbed my bag, grabbed my boarding pass, and loaded onto a plane is crazy. I'm beginning to feel less alone. Although I don't habitually talk to people here I went to 4 parties this weekend, met people from all over the world, and met even more people who used to live in Salem. I went to NYU with Emily to meet up with Daniel who lived in south Salem, and Joey who is from the Dominican Republic. It was nice to actually have friends here and know that I can text or call them anytime I feel like.

Besides partying I've met up with my boss new a few times (although when I talk about Maps I still say at work”). He showed me the office that I'll be working at, we had lunch, and talked about our aspirations. He's very nice. He left his old secure job to follow his passion of education, which I admire. He has opened many learning institute and makes a killing doing so. He is putting a lot of faith in me solely because of the fact that I made the ballsy decision to pick up everything and move to New York. Although I have spent a lot of time questioning my decision to move here, I am feeling much more secure. I don't know what it was that made me feel better. Yesterday I just stayed home and watched movies and did some chores. Then today, Emily and I went out to breakfast, watched TV, bought some necessities, and did some laundry. Maybe each day feels more like home. Maybe each day I learn something new. Maybe each day really does get better. 

Breakfast was amazing. We went to a little crape/waffle/bagel/drink shop. You get to pick a base and add toppings. I had waffles (of course) with Nutella, whipped cream, and bananas. Ohhhhh my goodness. It was so good. The Nutella was drizzled all over, the bananas were cut into perfect bite size pieces, and the whipped cream was on the side for an eye pleasing effect. To wash it all down I had an ice hot chocolate – that's right. Iced. It tasted exactly like hot chocolate… without the burning effect of 190-degree water.

After breakfast Emily had some work to do from home and I had a nap to take. Moving to a New Place and walking everywhere and being emotionally distressed takes a lot out of you... but it's getting better, and I'm sleeping better, and I'm getting used to walking everywhere; it's been very good for my health. Reaching 10,000 steps almost every day is very satisfying and very healthy. I want to join a gym but right now my priorities are work and school (because I tend to take on too much too soon).

Tomorrow if my first day of work, and I have to say, I’m pretty excited. I’m excited to have a place to go all day, I’m excited to start making money again, I’m excited to be a part of a company that is growing exponentially. I just called mom and talked to her about her day and my day. She’s been sending me pictures of the delicious meal that her and pops cook, I’m jealous, but I’m inspired. I’m continuing to eat healthy so brown rice, chicken, and veggies it is. I got a single serve smoothie maker this morning so I’m going to have a protein and micro-nutrient packed smoothies for breakfast. Dinner might end up being a sandwich on whole grain bread because I’ll get home so late and probably won’t want to cook. So as mom suggested, lunch will be my big meal of the day. It’s nice to be in control of what you buy and – if you eat bad, it’s on you.

It’s funny the things you learn when not living with your parents. You realize that you don’t know everything, and you’re not always right. Hanging out with college kids made me realize how much of a know-it-all I sued to be. College kids act as though because they’re in college that they know everything and have to right to bash anyone with a disagreeing opinion. It’s irritating. And I realize that I used to do that. I used to be that irritating. God, that’s embarrassing.

My roommate and I had a discussion about college and partying. After spending all weekend around drunks, staying out late, and eating crappy food, I realized that this isn’t what I came to New York for. I didn’t come to party, I didn’t come to stay up too late, I didn’t come here to get middle of the night ice cream – that’s what I did in high school. I know that the typical depiction of college is partying, drinking, and having fun. But to me college is a place to meet like-minded people, to learn, and to grow. Now, at parties there are a lot of like-minded people there… however, I’m not one of them. Anyway, some people brought up the point that I’m going to miss out on my college experience. To people who agree with that, I rebuttal: One, I’m not actually in college yet, so when I join a university I’ll be more comfortable going out. Two, just because I don’t want to go to a frat party every weekend doesn’t mean that I won’t go once in a while and doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be social. Last, college to me is a place to figure out what I want to do and what’s important to me. I’d rather focus on my future than the next beer run.

I’m excited and stumped by what the future holds. I’m ready to work, learn, and be a self-sustaining adult. Funny how I have to convince myself to do that last part. No one has ever shared the struggles they endured when moving away from home. But I’m going to. Not just to share with everyone else, but to also keep myself sane. Writing helps. Talking help. And having people close helps.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day where I officially become what I didn’t want to be – a 9-5 worker (actually 10-6). However, it’s necessary, it’s a new chapter, and it’s a start to my future.