Day 17 (8/31/2016)
I hate having to start out writing by saying "the past few days have been rough", but I'm here to be honest and to share my genuine experience. I'm not here to make everything appear to be gum drops and rainbows. With that said... the past few days have been rough. To be completely honest, I struggle with anxiety. And on Monday my anxiety was irrationally overwhelming. Every single negative thought I have ever had in the last two weeks hit me all at once: my lack of a job, my lack of friends, my lack of family, how I've been lying about every day being good, how I feel like an idiot for moving here when staying in Oregon would have been way easier, and how I was considering going home now and mailing Emily a check for rent each month. But that was Monday. Today is Wednesday and a lot has changed.
Making friends takes time – no matter where you live. Family is always with you if you want them to be – even if it's not physically. I was just trying to sound positive – even if I was lying to people. Moving here was not idiotic – it will just take time to adjust. Getting a job will take time – apparently 17 days. That's correct! I got not only one, but two jobs today! Starting this Friday I'll be working 40 hours a week at an educational facility and I'll be working 16-25 hours a weekend at Kohl's as a sales representative. Tomorrow I'll be meeting with my new boss (although I deeply miss my old "bosses" (they're really more like family)) at the education facility that I'll be working at. I'm very passionate about educating children and adults from all different backgrounds with the proper skills they need to have an opportunity to make something of themselves. I'm also very passionate about equalizing the public school experience in America, but that's another project to work on.
I still call my mom and pops every day, and that's potentially part of the problem. I'm still holding on very tightly to them instead of focusing on new things to hold onto. But some days, you just need your mom. She's been here my whole life and I refuse to let her get too far away from her phone. I feel badly though. When I moved to New York it was a chance for me and my parents to start a new life as separate entities. Yet, they still spend a lot of time searching for scholarships and job opportunities for me. They are also regularly interrupted throughout the day by a call, text, or email from me. Also, my stress goes directly to them and leaves them with an uneasy feeling. I feel badly that my problems become their problems because I feel that's not normally how things go when children move out of their parents house. I picture the parents and the child seamlessly leading through their new lives without any common stresses. I suppose I just don't want my parents to worry about me... I also suppose I make that difficult, being that I call them whenever I have a problem. I should probably stop doing that. Moving out includes being an adult and being an adult includes fighting through your own struggles without the constant hand of your parents.
I'm excited to have a job. I'm excited to start building my savings back up. I'm excited to start meeting more people. It's funny because everyone who interviewed me asked me more about what brought me to New York, how crazy I am, and how sad my parents are more so than my qualifications. My Kohl's interviewer didn't ask me any interview questions once I told her I moved to New York 8 weeks after graduating from high school.
Everyone who interviewed me wanted to help me. They wanted to be able to provide an income for me, give me a place to socialize, and help me find my way around the city. It was a nice change of pace from what I expected in the job force. I've been filling my time with regular duties: laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, budgeting, writing, and applying to scholarships.
Once I start working 56-65 hours a week and begin my classes, I won't be able to go out often and see the sites. However, money is very important to a young adult who is living and going to school in New York. Also, if I'm able to go out less I'll appreciate it much more when I'm finally able to.
I can genuinely say that today was a good day. I can genuinely say that I'm happy with the new companies that I'll be apart of, and I'm happy to be finding my place here.
Thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with me and supporting me through the past (and future) up's and down's.

Day 14 (8/28/2016)

On weekends…. we go on adventures, city style.

This morning Emily and I got up and had some homemade Bisquick pancakes. Personally I topped mine with peanut butter and syrup because Breonna and Brandon told me that’s the best way to eat waffles and thus pancakes. We took some time getting ready, because this is New York we’re talking about, then hit he subway. Our first stop was China Town because I wanted to go there and Emily wanted to pick up some food items there.

We found rice paper so we can now make spring rolls. We also found rice balls which are… interesting. The outside is covered with sesame seeds and the inside is a sweet rice goo stuffed with a different chocolaty goo. It was delicious, but too much to finish. We stopped into a few markets to look at the different food options. They had a lot of tea and candies that we just had to pick up. The tea is supposed to help with digestion and be metabolism boosting. Now, I’m not really into weight loss gimmicks because they’re either unhealthy or a waste of money, but the tea is delicious! And if it helps me not get stomach aches, then it’s a double win in my book.

After we saw different paintings in China Town we decided to head for Wall Street. Again, we hit the subway and were on our way. When I visited New York in 8^th grade the #1 thing that stuck with me was the lighting. When Emily and I got off the subway in China Ton the sun was high and the temperature was hot. But when we got off the subway on Wall Street the sun was hidden and the temperature was cool. Now, this isn’t the case everywhere because different blocks have wider streets in between than others, but on Wall Street (at least where we were) the street is a one lane one way; meaning that the buildings are even closer together thus allowing less space for the sun to get through. I know it’s a minute detail but it always hits me.

Because I am obsessed with the water, Emily and I walked along the Hudson. I had such an urge to jump in because I haven’t gone swimming in over two weeks which is a long time for me, being that I used to swim 2-4 times a week. I miss being able to explore nature. I remember when my parents used to show me views of nature and I would scoff at their simple desires (God, I was irritating), but once I started hiking and swimming I because much more amazed with nature. Hiking at Silver Falls and Cascade Head, swimming in Falls City and Foster Lake, playing in Pacific City or Lincoln City. These are all things I miss. But they’re all things I can visit and do again in my life. I hope that I continue to find places to hike and swim even as I get older.

Anyways, Emily and I were walking along the Hudson and spotted the Brooklyn bridge, not that it’s hard to miss. We decided to walk across it from Manhattan to Brooklyn! Now… we knew the bridge was long but we didn’t realize how far away the beginning of the bridge was. We took a wrong turn, had to turn around, but were eventually on our way. The cool this is, right next to the Brooklyn bridge is Pace University, which is a school that I have been looking into.

Once we got to the bridge there were so many people. Not just people, but tourists. Now, I know that I was a tourist at one point and I’m hardly a New Yorker but tourists walk so slow. The take a million pictures of everything and they don’t watch what they’re doing. I understand that they most likely don’t go to New York often so they want to soak it up, whereas I live here and can always go back to the bridge and visit, but it’s still irritating.

We had been walking a lot more than we had realized and it’s not like we were in running shoes, I was wearing boots and Emily was wearing flats so we were a little over this whole ‘walking’ thing. Once we got across the bridge most people turned back to cross once again and go back into Manhattan. We stumbled across a deli that had burritos, subs, quesadillas, pasta salads, and a store. I had a cold cut ham sandwich with some diet peach tea. It was the best meal of my life solely because I was starving when I ate it. Once we go a little energy back we hopped on the J line then transferred to the M line and headed home. We went our separate ways, Emily got groceries and I called my parents. I like being able to talk to mom and pops about each new thought I have every day. Whereas my dad and I talk about twice a week so when he and I talk I’m far less scatter brained.

I’ve decided that if I can get 2 part-time jobs or a full time job that pays well enough, then I’m going to stay in New York to finish out my last 3 years of school at an actual university, starting next fall. I want to explore the business world here before I make any life changing decisions, and college is a great way to do that. There are also a lot of abroad programs and summer internships in other countries. I realize that this is more than a year away but it’s nice to know that I have options.

I was very intimidated and out of my element when I first moved here, as anyone would be moving to an unfamiliar city. It’s nice to know that the confidence I feel today will only get stronger as time goes on.

Day 13 (8/27/2016)

Ahh, the end of a long day. The city is hot but the breeze is cooling. I had to rearrange my room in order to sleep in front of the window. I don’t know why but even when I was little I always wanted to have the head of my bed at a window. I wanted to have the curtains opening around me as I woke up to the sight of blue sky and welcoming sunshine. Funny thing is when I finally moved the head of my bed to a window I mostly left my curtain closed and being that winter rules 9 months of Oregon, I rarely woke up to anything that wasn’t grey.

However, that’s not why I moved my bed this time. I moved it because it’s freaking hot here and the breeze is the one break in a day. It only cools off to about 75 at night here for the most part. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m so ready for fall.

The best way to escape the heat is to go see a movie. Emily and I have seen Bad Mom’s, Pete’s Dragon, and Suicide Squad since I’ve been here. We found a theater in Williamsburg that plays all the new movies for only $9 (or you can get a $50 month unlimited card). Two days ago we saw the emotionally tormenting Pete’s Dragon; it was a great movie but the emotional lows were so low.

Emily nor I are very sappy or overly emotional people but we walked out of the theater with a physically heavy feeling in our chest. So we had to wash it down with breakfast… for dinner… at 9pm. I had waffles with whipped cream and strawberries. It was amazing: the outside of the waffles were perfectly crispy and the insides were fluffed to perfection. Also, the whipped cream and strawberries didn’t come on top, but on the side. Meaning I had a pile of perfectly sweet whipped cream on my plate; let’s just say I ate good that night.

Last night we saw Suicide Squad and had ice cream before. We went to a place called “Davey’s Ice Cream” (located on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg). I have cookies and cream in a waffle cone. It was pretty good. The ice cream was perfectly soft, however it was not as good as Salt&Straw and Emily says it wasn’t the best New York ice cream she’s had.

The last couple days, Emily and I have gone shopping a bit; thrift shopping that is. We’re both very much into saving our money and only spending large quantities on important things like rent, a bed, plane tickets… and that’s about it.

Although I am only 18 and did just graduate from high school, I’m no longer in high school. And I’m only technically in college, so my style needed a change. Less sneakers and t-shirt more boots and blouses. Emily often asks me how I’d decried my style, but honestly I don’t know. I like the combat boots, black skinny jeans, with an oversized white t-shirt, and an army green trench coat look…. But I also like long high waisted skirts with suede boots and a nice blouse. I suppose most people pick a style that works for then and then stick with it. For me, I get bored too easily, go through too many phases, and have too many moods to stick to one style. When I moved out here I really only had summer clothes and jeans. So it’s nice to be able to go into winter with a plethora of jackets and boots. I’m so excited for winter. The thought of Christmas in New York runs through my mind at least 10 times a day.

Even though I’m excited for fall and winter, it’s still summer now and there are plenty of things to do. Emily and I both follow a page on Instagram called NYC.food. They post the most amazing looking foods and also tag the location of where the item is from. So today, we wanted to go get some funky food – rainbow bagels it was. Now, they look like playdough but I promise it’s real dough. We got them at a place called “The Bagel Store” (located in Williamsburg off of Bedford Avenue). This place was amazing. They had the most amazing looking bagels: rainbow plain, rainbow “doughnut” flavored, onion, bacon, herb, etc. Not only that, but their fillings were to die for: Nutella, Nutella cream cheese, peanut butter, Reese’s cream cheese, Oreo cream cheese, s’mores filling, peach cream cheese, doughnut cream cheese, colored cream cheese, and so many other options. I got a plain rainbow bagel with peanut butter, but I may go back next week to try some other options. They also do full meals with eggs and sausage and cheese and such. It was pretty busy this morning, as I’m sure it is most days, but going on a week day would allow more time to think and order due to the lack of a crowd.

It’s funny. My thoughts whilst being here. Some days I love it and can’t imagine being anywhere else but on other days I’m ready to hop on a plane and go home. I still call Oregon home. New York as home hasn’t set in yet. I try to fill my days with visiting new places and applying for more jobs. It helps to have my time filled. I can either think about what’s going to happen or I can participate in what’s happening.

One of the main thoughts that amazes me daily is, “Frank Sinatra walked these streets”. I’m able to walk in the same areas that Frank Sinatra did. That’s so exhilarating. It’s a hard feeling to describe. I can’t describe why I have such a liking for the 1950’s and Frank Sinatra, but I do. I love that I have a piece of my grandma and thus my pops with me constantly. I like that I see qualities of my grandma within myself and I like that I can listen to Frank Sinatra the way people had for over 70 years before me. It’s fascinating. But I suppose that’s what New York can do.

Day 11 (8/25/2016)

I haven’t been going out and doing at much lately so I haven’t been blogging as much. I’m not a tourist, I’m not on vacation. I live here. Every day isn’t a new adventure, every day is another day in my city.

I’ve been spending my days waiting for packages and applying to jobs. I actually got an interview, it’s at Kohl’s, not my first choice but it’d still be income. So August 30^th at 10:30 I’ll haul myself over to Junction Boulevard and complete my first interview in NYC.

For some reason earlier today I got very frustrated. Our wifi is very spotty and will shut off at random so I had to fill out the same job application a number of times – that was kind of the last straw. I had a mini meltdown and called mom. She’s been telling me the same thing since I moved here: just give it time. She says that once I have a routine (work, school, workout) that I won’t have time to focus on the changes that are happening, they’ll just be happening. I understand that. I appreciate and respect her advice unconditionally, but you never know how much ‘time’ getting used to something will take. Because to my impatient mind it’s already been 11 days and I should be used to everything already. However, once I put things into perspective I realize how ridiculous that thought process is.

I’ve lived in Salem my whole life until 11 days ago. That’s roughly 6,750 days… compared to 11. I’ve lived in the same house for 16 years until 11 days ago. That’s roughly 6,020 days… compared to 11. Expecting a complete life shift to feel 100% normal after only 11 days is a little too optimistic. But honestly it’s not even optimism I feel. I feel impatience. I want to have a job already, I want to start school, I want to feel comfortable purchasing a real bed instead of sleeping on an air mattress, I want to work out 3-5 days a week, I want to meet people, I want to find a school to go to next year, I want to walk around as a stern New Yorker rather than a doe-eyed tourist (which I’m already mastering), I want to walk in the door and feel as though I’m at home not just as though I’m in a comfortable house. My goals are simple, but they will all take time. The amount of time is unknown to me or anyone else. But it will happen.

The waiting period is always the hardest. I’m excited for my future while in the midst of missing my past. I miss hiking and swimming and seeing my friends, I miss having a tight knit group of people to go on adventures with (including my parents). I like New York. I like the city, I like the opportunity, I like the high rise buildings, I like the numerous walks of life, I like the options, I like the feel. I like it a lot. But I also like Oregon a lot. But there’s also 48 other states that I may like as well.

When making a decision, there is always a risk that you didn’t make the right one. When making a decision there is always fear that there were better opportunities left unturned. These fears become ever more haunting when it’s a decision about the rest of your life.

I want to travel – but not just vacation. I want to live in a multitude of different states and countries. I want to work there. I want to be a part of the culture there. I want to understand the life there. I want to be a part of there. Wherever ‘there’ might be.

But that takes so much work. The overwhelming feeling of the future weight on my shoulders is unreasonable, yet crippling. To be 100% honest. I’m scared. I scared for how this year will turn out. I’m scared that I’m going to drain my saving on just the basics of living. I’m scared that I’m still going to want to come back home in a few months. However, the power of thought is a very important thing to me and I know that if I think about the negative, then it’ll be more like to happen; because I won’t be focusing on my goals and priorities. I so desperately want this year to go well and I so desperately want to want to go to school here and have New York City be my home base.

Honestly, as a high school student my parents were irritating. They told me things that I already knew, or they told me things that I didn’t want to hear. They also put pressure on me to get things done when I had no motivation, and didn’t want to be forced to do things (even if it was best for me). I always fantasized about the day I’d move out of my parent’s house and how I’d feel and what I’d say and what I’d do without their supervision. But now I miss them. Over the last year mom, pops, and dad became my best friends. Thinking about going the rest of my life only seeing my parents 1-2 times a year is a very unsettling thought. I understand that I can’t center my life or decisions around another person, but I just don’t like having to miss people. I’m very particular and I like things the way I like them.

Things are changing, things have changed. Now it’s time for me to roll with it and change along the way. I can apply to a million different schools and scholarships from September-December, but I don’t have to make a commitment until around February or March. I have time. I have time to just work and go to school and apply to different schools and scholarships. I have roughly 6 months until I need to finalize my plans. That’s comforting.

At any point in life, things change. First school, then jobs, maybe relationships, the loss of family members, the into or out of retirement, following the sun – anything. If I can’t adjust to change now, then I might as well find a foolproof mediocre path. But I don’t want that.

The path to success (‘success’ is to be defined by each individual) is full of many up’s and down’s. You just have to ride them out. Because sitting in a smooth lake is nice, but playing in the big ocean waves is even better.

Day 8  (8/22/2016)
As of today I've been here for one week. And as of right now I'm writing from a laundromat. I've washed my own clothes for the last 6 years, but having to load everything in a bag, walk it down the street, get quarters, pay the machine, wait for the washer, put everything in the dryer, pay that machine, wait for the dryer, take everything out of the dryer, and finally go home, laundry is much more of a hassle now. But it's another new thing to me and another new part of my routine... it's also something that I have to have the courage to do by myself.
Earlier today I went to Times Square. When I visited New York in the 8th grade I went to Times Square, but it looked different to me then. When I went the first time, there were people dressed as Elmo, The Cookie Monster, Lady Liberty. This time however, I only saw one Elmo. I more so saw places to shop, eat, and sleep. I also noticed many more business men this time than the last. My original reason for going to Times Square was to go to Chase bank and open an account there.... but of course the doors were mysteriously locked and nobody was inside. Instead of getting (completely) frustrated, I persevered down the street and around the corner. I saw an Auntie Anne's and had to get a plain pretzel with cheese. Now, I probably could have found some amazing authentic New York pretzel shop but Auntie Anne's was familiar and reliably delicious.
I needed a new pair of shoes because my favorite pair
of sandals got... lost we'll say. During a degrading battle with a wooden fence. But that's besides the point. I went to Forever21. Not just any Forever21. A four-story Forever21. I entered in on the 4th floor and thought the place was huge from there. Then I saw the third floor, then the second floor, then the first floor and I realized that Washing Square Mall Forever21 needs to step their game up. Although I'm only 18 I can't dress like a teenager anymore, at least I don't want to. I want to be in a professional industry and I also want to be professional as I walk down the street (although I'm currently wearing Convers, ripped jeans, and a band t-shirt).
New York is a funny place when it comes to style: $5,000 business suits are acceptable, $50 business suits are acceptable, grunge is acceptable, school girl is acceptable, metro is acceptable, uptown girl is acceptable, homeless is acceptable, minimalist is acceptable, European is acceptable..... people here don't give a shit about what you look like or what you're wearing. You want to know why? Because they're focused on themselves; as it should be. That was my main reason for wanting to move here in the first place. The people focus on themselves, their goals, their homes, their jobs, their clothes, all of their own doings. I just want to be able to walk the street wearing what I want, going where I want, acting how I want, everything how I want.
When I was scarfing down my pretzel with cheese, I literally just sat down on the edge of the sidewalk in Times Square and ate my freaking pretzel with cheese. No one gave me a second look. Now, in Salem if a seemingly normal girl just sat down on the sidewalk by herself to eat, everyone would stare at her. Because that's not "normal" for Salem. Everyone there likes to be involved in other peoples lives, judge other peoples decisions, and comment on other peoples choices. Bot only for the negative. Rarely for the positive.
I'm happy to be able to call New York my home, and I'm happy to be in a city that doesn't care enough to look twice.
Emily and I have been talking a lot about healthy eating and working out. Having someone who also wants to lead a healthy life as a roommate makes things a lot easier for the both of us. We found a great Clean Eating Grocery List by 'Cassey'. So tomorrow it's time to hit the grocery store again! My parents always told me that I'd appreciate the food I ate, the clothes I wore, and the home I lived in much more once I was the one working for it. I didn't believe them but once again, mom and pops were right. Having clean clothes feels so much better when you had to work to get them clean. Eating dinner is much more appreciated once you can provide it for yourself. Sitting in a living room is much more comfortable when you're putting your own roof over your head.
I appreciate the independence that moving out has taught me, and I appreciate the lessons that being on my own has taught me. It's still scary and I still get lost from time to time; but I'm confident that I'll find my way.

Day 7 (8/21/2016)

Would staying in New York be a bad idea? In august I’ll be an NY resident and school might be the same price as U of O would be. Once I start working I could see how much money I’m making and see how doable it is. But then again, do I really want to go to school full time, work part time, and pay more than $1,000 a month in rent? Or do I want to go to Eugene to go to school full time, work part time, and pay $600 a month in rent? But then again, with the wage difference, it might not be such a huge difference in expenses (in ratio).

I think the reason I want to move back to Oregon right now is because I’m scared. I don’t really know what I’m scared of though. The people? Not really. The subway? I’m getting used to it. The being alone? No. The unfamiliarity? Probably. But even if I moved to Eugene I would still not know about all the places nearby, I would still have to make new friends, I would again not have a job, I would again be in Oregon. Emily asked “have you considered staying in New York?” and my answer was no. My answer was no because I feel as though the only way for me to save up more money is to live in Oregon again. But how is that a logical thought? It’s not like people who live in New York are unable to save any money? There are college students here who have jobs and rent and other expenses. Student loans don’t have to be paid off all at once. They are paid off over time and you can pay more when you have more to spend.

The shitty thing is, I can call my parents all I want. I can cry to them every night about how confused I am. I can ask them about potential plans and ideas, but they can’t tell me what to do. They can’t tell me what the best option is. I can barely do that. They will support me whether I decide to move back to Oregon in June, whether I decide to stay for a year of college, or the last 3 I have to complete. They’ll support me if I want to move to California or Switzerland or Alaska or Brazil. They’ll support me no matter what. But in the end. I’m the one who has to make my final decision.

Pops told me I need to relax, slow down, and take things one day at a time for right now. Which is true. Easy? No. I always get a spark of an idea and turn it into C4. But he’s right. I should let my ideas spark and wait for them to either fizzle out or catch fire.

No matter how hard I try, the thoughts of other people’s opinion always plague my mind. I don’t want my dad to think I’ve failed if I don’t stay in New York forever and I don’t want mom and pops to think I’ve failed if I don’t move back to Oregon. However, at the end of the day it’s me. It’s me alone with my thoughts and my decisions and my consequences. What do I want? At this point I’m not sure. But I have an idea of where I hope to go.

I've been looking into colleges and universities here in New York. Looking into them really excites me. Being able to see that these places are legitimate options for me. Staying in for the last two days has made this apartment feel more like home. Plus the fact that my sister sent me a comforter and pillow set that I love. As I spend more time working in my room, socializing in the living area, cooking in the kitchen, and walking the stairs, it all becomes more familiar.

I've applied to roughly 25 jobs from teller positions, sales, data entry, news rooms, airline internships, writing... pretty much anything that I'm even remotely qualified for. I also went to the other side of our neighborhood to go get pizza as Emily stayed home and made cookies. First of all: the pizza here is phenomenal. The crust is the perfect thickness, crunchy on the bottom, soft in the middle, and cheesy on top. I've lived here for 7 nights and I've had pizza for dinner 3 of those nights. But it's okay because I walk everywhere and pizza is a vegetable according to public school nutritional guidelines.

Once I get a job I'll be able to join a gym. Once school starts I'll have a lot of consistency -- work, school, workout. I'm excited to have a routine in my new home. I'm excited to get comfortable with new things. To change the scary into trivial. I don't have huge aspirations right now and that's okay. I'm only 18 and haven't even started college yet. My goal for the next month or two is just to get my feet on the ground. Funny how a 6 hours flight can keep your head in the clouds for weeks.

Day 6 (8/20/2016)
Well, last night was rough. I honestly don't know what I want to do with my future. I've always had the idea of selling real estate, but I just don't know anymore. I think the fact that I haven't started school yet is a big part of my lack of confidence right now. I have this idea of going into the business world but I don't have the background I need yet.
I talk to my mom every day on the phone or I email her or I text her -- I'm always talking to her. She thinks I always bite off life in way too big of chunks. I can never just make a plan for the next month, or even the next year. I always come up with an idea and make a 10 year/life long plan with it. Now, I know that having 1, 5, and 10 year goals is a good thing! But should they be based around a single decision? I don't think so, because plans change. Ideas change. Circumstances change. Everything changes.
I want to be in the business world. I like architecture, I like fitness, I like writing, I like photography, I like finances. I like and am good at a multitude of different things but I don't know which is the best decision for me. I guess the majority of (kind of) adults my age are having the same issue; what do I want to do with my life? If I were in Oregon still I could have face to face conversations with my parents and friends and colleagues and they'd be able to relate to and validate my concerns, but they aren't here. Although I still communicate with them, no one wants to spend the only time communicating with someone 3,000 miles away talking about their fears and struggles. It helps though. It helps to talk things out. If I hadn't told my mom or David or Emma or Emily what I was struggling with, then I wouldn't have gotten their advice and assistance.
I'm going to spend my year here in NYC. I'm going to fulfill my (thus far) life dream and make it in New York. That doesn't mean I have to do it forever. Mrs. Kilfoil loved teaching and she did it for a long time, but she retired in June and the thought of not teaching anymore is scary but the thought of limitless possibilities is exhilarating.
Things change, whether they're planned or not, things change. No matter what, you can't stop what life throws at you. You can sit in a ball and let it all pile up around you, or you can put everything in it's place and make the chaos your own. I'm not exactly set on what I want to do, but I know that if I want to save up enough money to feel secure then I'm going to have to move back to Oregon after my year here. I know that if I want to network and learn about business then I'm going to actually have to go to college to find interest groups and activities that will enhance my possibilities in the business world. It's hard to network in a city that you aren't working in (yet) and aren't going to school in. This year will be great once I get my feet on the ground. Moving back to Oregon (temporarily or permanently) won't mean I've failed. If going some place where I can save money, network, learn, hike, read, connect, practice, and grow means that I failed then I'll happily take an F this time.

Day 5 (8/19/2016)
Finally the days are getting easier. I woke up this morning around 8:30 and headed straight for the shower. I ate some breakfast and went for the door.
So, I went to Midtown, I went to Williamsburg, I live in Brooklyn, what else is there (more like what else isn't there)? Emily told me to go see all the main tourist attractions to help me at least become comfortable with the most known places around the city.
Central Park it was.
Getting there was easy, hop on the L line, ride it to Union Square, hop on the N line, and get off at 59th Street. I got out of the subways station and the first thing I saw was a line of horses and carriages. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm obsessed with animals, especially farm animals. These horses were HUGE. Their hooves were the size of my head, and their heads were half the size of my body.
After I finished petting all the horses I took a dive into Central Park;
I imagined that I'd forget I was in New York and it would look like one giant green patch from inside..... it's not like that at all! I liked it though. There's grass and trees and lakes and giant rocks and pigeons and roadways and bridges and bikers and buggies and runners and light signals and tourists. When in Central Park, you can still see the tops of all the buildings. It makes for an incredible view: lush grass, calm water, breezy trees, and modern day architecture. The mixture is beautiful.
For a while I was walking in a circle and thought "this park isn't as big as I thought it'd be." Incorrect! The park was much bigger than I thought it'd be, I had to grab a map to grasp the size of the park. Central park goes from 59th Street all the way to 110th Street. I'm pretty sure in an early blog entry I stated the street's incorrectly, but either way, it's huge. It took me about 2.5 hours to lollygag my way through, and I could have used another 2.5 hours.
Whilst being there I smelled food trucks of all sorts, saw turtles, heard all different languages, and felt the city move beneath my feet. Being able to sit at the top of a rock or in the middle of a field was amazing. I sat and watched the chaotic world go buy as I began to feel not as an outsider, but as a part of this chaotic city. I didn't have any plans today, I didn't have any goals or time limits, I just did. I just went to Central Park. I walked around the area and took some incredible pictures. Being able to confidently travel around the city and make decisions based solely on my preference is a very freeing feeling. Many people my age are tied down in relationships or stuck in the idea that 9-5 and college then marriage then babies is the only way to make it in life. But that's not true at all. When I was planted with the idea that traveling and writing could potentially be my livelihood, I was terrified.
I've been here for 5 days. It's only day 5, yet already I feel like a different person. I feel more true to myself. No more doing things for the applaud of other people. No more needing someone to accompany me wherever I go. No more accepting the negative judgement of any other being. I love New York and I'm beginning to become comfortable with the term "New Yorker", but I'm also excited for the rest of my life. Right now is great, and if I lived here my whole life I'd be just fine, but nobody wants to plateau. I plan to live in a multitude of different cities, states, and countries. And make a living the best way possible.

Day 4 (8/18/2016)
Did you know that adults have to wake up at reasonable hours in the morning? I knew this, but I tried not to accept it.
I woke up at 9 (I know, that's still not early) and wrote some, then I decided to explore some more. I got all cleaned up and headed for the subway. I was struggling to fill my metro card yesterday and that's literally the worst problem you can have. No money on you metro card? No subway. FINALLY I got it to work and I now have unlimited rides for a week. I headed to Williamsburg and my god is it similar to Portland.
Man buns, big beards, James Dean glasses, chai everything, poster graffiti, band t-shirts, all of it. There was significantly less people on the streets than there were in Manhattan, but that was expected. My goal for the morning was to stay out of Brooklyn for at least an hour, and also go inside a mall, coffee shop, or boutique. Well... since this place was so similar to Portland and since Portlanders are all about their coffee, I decided to find a coffee shop. Now, the only coffee I drink is from Java Crew or from my parents' Keurig. New York has neither of those. Obviously. I settled for an iced latte and took a seat. The drink wasn't bad after it was mixed up (before that I wanted to gag).
I sat at a table inside and watched as people walked by.
It seems like 50% of the population here smokes cigarettes be it in Brooklyn, Williamsburg, Manhattan, any of them. I'm so used to the organic ways of Oregon that I forget people here don't recycle, they double bag plastic bags, and they smoke on the regular (not everyone, but more than I'm used to).
Another thing that (literally) jumped out at me was the driving. Everyone knows that the driving in New York is crazy but I think it's still under estimated.
Cars have the right of way in New York, not pedestrians. If a car is turning as you're about to start crossing you have to wait for them. Also if you're already in the middle of the crosswalk, they don't care! They'll zoom past you with only inches to spare. Today I watched a woman cross the street with two children by her side as a car came through the crosswalk -- if there is someone in the street legally crossing, then the driver needs to stop -- but that doesn't mean they do. The woman quickly shuffled her children and herself to safety, but even other walkers saw the danger in that moment. To my surprise, as I was half way through the crosswalk, a large SUV came screeching into the large white lines.... That's not the surprising part. The surprising part was that he actually waved and apologized after he saw me.
When crossing a street you either see the red hand and wait, or you see the white walker (Game of Thrones reference) and cross the street. Not here! The hand is red, but no cars are coming? Cross! The hand is red and cars are coming but there might be time to run by? Cross! Honestly it's more convenient this way. The lights take forever to change here because there aren't just 4 way intersections, there's often 5 and 6 way intersections as well.
For some reason whilst in that coffee shop in Williamsburg, a thought hit me. A thought that has a lot of potential to change the course I'm on. In the 7th grade when I decided I wanted to move to New York, it was for the fame and fortune. As I've grown somewhat older I've realized that I don't want fame and fortune. I want success and stories. I want to be able to support myself and my crazy ideas (like moving to New York 8 weeks after graduating from high school) while being financially stable, but not stuck in a 9-5. I know that's potentially a hard thing to achieve, but come on! It's 2016 for goodness sake. People get paid to do all kinds of stuff. Being a realtor is always an option, no matter where I'm living.... but being a writer is always an option especially where I'm living. Starting a career in writing will take time, practice, effort, and struggle. However, I'm not afraid of those things since it's for something I'm passionate about.
I want to be able to live with my best friend Emma next year, and I want to be able to get a 4 year degree in yet a different state. I'm going to stick with my marketing/business m
ajor because I'll have to market myself and sell my ideas, but I'll need some more background in writing and production.
I still have bit of time to work out the next few stages in my life, but I'm more excited now than I've ever been before.
When I got back home from my Williamsburg adventure a UPS man rang me from downstairs. My mom had sent me a night stand. The instructions were easy, the pieces were all there, but the screw driver was not. I was putting this freaking thing together using a metal nail file until 30 minutes later I struck genius and asked Emily if there was a screw driver in the apartment.... and of course there was. So I got smart and used the proper tools to finish the job.
3 days ago I was certain that I'd never adjust and that I'd hate living here for the next 10 months. I questioned whether or not I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I may have jumped the shark a bit on that one. However, after exploring Brooklyn, the subway, Manhattan, coffee shops, Williamsburg, and more restaurants I feel confident in the fact that this was not the worst decision of my life but the first of many amazing ones. There's still so much to learn and to get used to, but as of today I'm confident in the fact that I'll feel like a New Yorker in no time.

Day 3 (8/17/2016)
I think my body and brain are still on Oregon time. Last night I went to bed at 1am (10pm OR time) and woke up this morning at 10:30am (7:30am OR time). I woke up to the sound of the exterminator knocking on our door. He was very kind. He said we had a lovely apartment, he said Emily and I had beautiful names, he loves us both, and he hopes we are happy people. Now.... he was only over for about 10 minutes, but none the less, he wanted the best for us -- no matter how long he'd known us.
After that sweet man left, I had a promise to myself and my parents to keep: I was going to go to Manhattan today. I got ready, put on an outfit that wouldn't draw too much attention, and headed for the door. Emily had shown me where the Subway entrance was, but I still used google. I filled my metro card (after asking someone how) and into the Subway I went. I was going towards Manhattan, so I got on the right side train. Now, Emily had told me that I'd want to get off at Union Station, and she told me that it would be one of the last stops, but I was still paranoid. However, I looked at a map and realized that she was correct.
I got off at Union Square and headed up 3 flights of stairs to meet the street. Now this is the New York I was talking about. People in suits, dresses, bit sunglasses, blazers, taxi's everywhere, constant honking, tall clean buildings. The Manhattan Special.
My goal for today was to become comfortable using the Subway, and I did. I only stayed on 14th street near 7th avenue because I didn't want to get lost, and I was proud myself either way. To put some things in perspective, I was on 14th Street and 6th Avenue. Times Square is on 46th Street and 7th Avenue. Central Park starts on 59th street and is is around 5th-8th Avenue and starts on 59th. Street's go one way, and Avenue's go the other.
Honestly I didn't know that. Emily told me that and I also just had to Google Map it... Whoops. But it's getting easier to understand.
I took the Subway back, I took the L Line because that's the one that goes from mid Queens to Midtown (and all places in between). I got off at Wyckoff and tried to find Starbucks. I was on the right side of our apartment, but I thinks Starbucks is on the left. Instead of Starbucks I stopped of at a tiny (and I mean tiny) convenient store that sells on the go items, drinks, deli meat, and even makes it's own food for you. I was dying of thirst so I just grabbed something to drink and came back home (picture at right). I still can't believe how hot it is here. Everyone you see is either red faced or dripping with sweat, but it's normal. In Oregon, we'd think they'd just got done running a marathon or something, but nope. They're just waking to get some coffee.
My window has a fire escape right outside. I was woken up from my nap by the sound of 20 or so Pigeons fighting and flying and flapping. It was an interesting sight to see, and reminded me a lot of what I saw in Manhattan earlier.

When Emily got off work she asked me to meet her around Union Square so we could go see a movie. I took the subway and met up with her at AMC Village 7 movie theater. You get your tickets using a touch screen, and you even choose your seat from there. We decided to see Bad Mom's. Our theater was all the way at the top -- building a theater up rather than out is something to get used to. After our movie ended (and getting lost for a second) we went to the famous "Joe's Pizza". Anne Hathaway, Selena Gomez, NPH, Tom Hanks, and many other celebrities have been there. The pizza was delicious and phenomenally priced.
On the way back home Emily and I talked about what I want to do for my last two years of schooling, and it got me thinking all over again.She suggested that I figure out what I want to do for a living (at least for the next few years and out of college) and make plans to get there. Well.... for the last 6 years I've been making plans based on the decision to be a real es
tate agent. But now I'm rethinking that. I want to be able to travel to different states and countries. For real estate I'll have to know so many different laws, tests, and languages.
I called mom and pops and they told me how much they liked my writing. I talked to them about my dilemma and they mentioned how people get paid to write, especially about traveling. This gave me some hope, and some options.
I love to write and I love to travel..... now I just have to make a living out of my passion. That's always a breeze, right?

Day 2 (8/16/2016)


Last night was kind of rough. The sound of honking filled the street as the sound of planes filled the sky -- although, watching planes take off and land from my bedroom window is one of the best sights I could have asked for.
I woke up a few times but didn't question my surroundings. I have A/C so I can keep cool because let me tell you, unless I'm sitting in the A/C, I'm sweating buckets. It's 90 degrees with 54% humidity. The humidity really gets you, but my body will adjust.
I woke up and ate some Captain Crunch (we need to go grocery shopping, I'm ready for that) and tried to get our janky wifi situation figured out -- that's a problem to solve when Emily gets home.
I called my mom and told her about my writing from last night and one of her coworkers suggested that I start this blog. I called her as I walked around the block trying to find Liberty Department Store... of course I went the wrong way to start out, but I didn't get too far before I realized it.
I'm trying to make my room and our apartment feel more like home. Obviously everything feels very foreign right now, and I don't like that. I finally found Liberty and bought a bright blue sheet set, a 2nd pillow, and a 2nd towel. I sleep on a queen size airbed and let me tell you, I've never had that much space to sleep before. On my bed I also have my favorite blanket from who knows how long ago, one of my grandma's stuffed animal cats that's older than me, and a little black lab Beanie Baby that everyone in my family has one of. Also, in my window sill I have my grandpa's watch and my grandma's necklace. I think all the time about how shocked my grandpa Paul would be if I could tell him that I live in New York now, I can picture his exact reaction, haha.
Once I navigated my way home I put my sheets on my bed, my pillow cases on my pillows, and my towel on the door. I took a shower today and forgot that they're working on the boiler today until 4pm, so the water was freezing, but it was a nice change of pace from the rest of the day. Not only did I shower in freezing cold water, but I locked myself out of my bedroom. The locks here don't look like the locks I'm used to. It's a tiny little nob that spins and pushes in and out. Apparently in is locked and out is unlocked. Apparently mine was in when I closed the bedroom door to keep the cold air in.
My phone was locked in my room, my wallet, computer, shoes, everything. I tried using a bobby pin to open the door, I tried a credit card, but I finally gave up and got the Superintendent. Of course as soon as he got to the door I used Emily's metro card to get the door opened (at least I know how to do it if that happens again).
When Emily got home we went grocery shopping. We got some basics. Drinks, applesauce, sandwich stuff, crackers, fruit, etc. I asked her if she eats dinner, because we ate dinner around 10 last night, and tonight she didn't eat anything. She said "I just eat what and when I feel like. I mean, we're basically our own parents, it doesn't matter." And I suppose that's true. My parents always ensured that I ate 3 meals, especially dinner, and they always made sure I ate plenty of protein and vegetables. Now I have to do that on my own. No one is holding me accountable. It's my own actions and my own consequences. That stuck with me,

Day 1 ( 8/15/2016)

Originally I was supposed to have a direct flight from PDX airport to JFK airport. Well.... that didn't turn out as expected. Instead my flight was canceled, set to a later time, and added a layover! Okay, okay. I could roll with it (after I cried a lot about it first). I woke up at 6:30am with my dad. We left for PDX at 6:45 and got there around 7:30. Check in was a breeze and baggage drop off was a breeze (although my bag weighed 70 pounds).
We followed the path to security and realized that it was now or never. My dad couldn't come with me through security, so this is where I had to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to my dad was the last one on my list -- but by far from the easiest. Thinking about Brandon hugging my mom, thinking about my dad's help, thinking about my brother coming over to say hi, thinking about crying for days on end with Emma about what we'd do without each other, thinking about the lake with Breonna, thinking about laying on the couch with mom and Joe. These are all hard things to think about, and I thought about them all as I hugged my dad.
I went through security with tears down my face, but I went through security. I got my things and found my way to my terminal. I had a lot of time to spare, so of course I called my mom, I called Emma, I texted Joe, and I texted my dad. This is my big move, and they only have so much time to talk. I let them get back to their life as I got back to mine. I read a book as I waited, and we finally boarded the plane.
Now I had a layover for about an hour in Seattle..... until we got stuck on the runway for 30 minutes due to fog at 200 feet in Seattle. Finally we took off and it was so cloudy for a few minutes you couldn't see anything. Once we got above the cloud, the view was amazing. The cloud looked like a thick layer of snow below us. Snow and sky. That's all there was.
The person sitting next to me was nice, but I didn't have time to talk to him, I had a 2nd flight to irrationally worry about. When we finally landed I had 30 minutes until my next flight took off.
I BOLTED it up the terminal ramp, down the escalator, in the under ground tram, up the escalator, and to terminal B3. I got there right as the first people were boarding -- perfect timing.
The flight went well. 5 hours. I slept through Pocahontas, listened to Frank Sinatra, watched Inception, and Listened to Fly Me to the Moon just as we could see the Empire State Building and took a dove for the landing strip.
Baggage claim was literally 3/4 of a mile away from the gate our plane landed at. I couldn't help but look all around me as I walked through the airport. Questioning if the people I saw were from Manhattan, or Brooklyn, or Queens, or maybe not New York at all. I questioned if they'd have a hard attitude, if they'd answer my question, or if they'd be like nice Oregonians. Everyone seemed normal and I felt like an outsider.

I got my baggage and found my driver, he thought I was crazy for moving to New York only 8 weeks after high school graduation. Driving through the city late at night made it harder to realize that I wasn't in Oregon. The buildings are older, the signs are flashier, and the construction is more extreme.
We finally got to Putnam Avenue and my driver dropped me off. I wasn't intimidated until I realized I had to carry a 70 pound suitcase up 3 flights of stairs. I was huffing. Puffing. Dripping. It was a sight, but I made it. I made it to my new home. It was a strange feeling. It is a strange feeling.
I put my stuff down and changed out of my air travel ridden clothing. Emily and I went and got pizza at a place down the street and my god was it good (maybe because it was New York pizza, and maybe because I hadn't eaten more than 300 calories all day). She showed me around Wyckoff which is the main street around here that has all the "happenings". She showed me where she gets on the subway to get to work, some places to eat, and some places to shop. She's really adjusted after only 2 months and that gives me hope.
When we got home Emily went to bed and I called my mom and pops. I told them how the day went and I asked them why I didn't just move out and get a job in Salem because that would be way less scary.
I've had the same dream of "making it big in NY" but I don't know if I want to do that anymore. I've kind of realized that I don't want to be rich and have a lot of things. I was to be secure and see a lot of things.
Moving here has been a big wake up call. And it's only day 1.