It's Just Life Now

Day 165 1/26/2017
I don't really know what to post anymore. I've eaten a lot of amazing food, I've gone to a lot of amazing places, but now I've settled into my life here. I have 40 hours of work and now 40 hours of school work. The majority of my time is spent in front of a computer either working on work or homework.
I've learned a lot this term already and it's only week three. I'm taking a class called Freshman Year Experience because it's required for my scholarship. It teaches you how to stay on a successful path throughout college and life. Thus far it's been amazing. I've been able to diagnose my own "victim" mind set at times and fix it. I've come to realize that I can't control everything, as much as I want to, but I can control my reaction and decisions. I'm very happy to say that I've been keeping busy at work, I've been staying on top of school, and I've been working out five days a week. I'm doing a 20 week cut although it's not "cutting season". I really want to lose about 15-20 pounds in 20-30 weeks. Then I want to up my calories to 1800-2200 and do a little less cardio and a lot more weights.
It's really an awesome feeling to just accept total control for yourself. Mentally and physically. I've seen changes in my body and it's because of the work that I have put it. It's because of my dedication and commitment. I've been paying close attention to my body to make sure I'm not dizzy, I don't have headaches, and I'm not always starving. I've eaten in a high deficit but I did it for way too long and it was out of self hate. This time I'm only cutting for 20-30 weeks (instead of 3 years) and I'm also allowing myself to have sugar and carbs a little on the weekends and up my calories by a couple hundred once a week. All in all I've already lost about 5 pounds, my clothes are fitting looser, and my energy is up.
This week I finally hung up a tapestry that Breonna and Brandon got me for Christmas -- I love it. It's elephants, gray, and red -- my three favorite things. It makes my room darker and channels my inner hippy, which I love. Also I got fake nails for the first time ever... and removed them two days later. I type pretty fast (thanks to my mama and Mr. Halsey), but with those nails I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't feel anything, I couldn't grab anything, I couldn't do anything. Long story boring I soaked them in acetone for 30 minutes and I have my boy hands back.
I am also happy/sad to say that I have officially booked my flight back to Oregon. The thought of having to pack up all my stuff and ship it back across the country is a little daunting. I have made a life for myself here and I will, in essence, be getting rid of that. I'll smell, see, taste, feel, and hear things for the rest of my life that will remind me of New York. My first apartment, my first time paying rent, my first time becoming comfortable leaving the house alone, my first time cooking all of my own meals, my first time on a plane by myself. New York has provided me with a lot of firsts that I will forever be thankful for and proud of. The skyline will never cease to amaze me, the smells will never cease to intrigue me, and cites will never cease to mesmerize me. Whatever I choose to do from now will never be the same -- it'll be a different adventure filled with different firsts.
This weekend Emily and I will be getting giant ice cream sandwiches and I will be posting pictures!

Strength

Day 155 (1/15/2017)
Sometimes you need to stop talking and just start doing. I’ve been on my journey to health since I was about 15. I was very overweight at the time and in need of a lifestyle change. I dropped 35 pounds over the course of a year and a half and felt great. My blood pressure was normal, my self-confidence was up, and my health was great.

However, I’ve wanted more since about a year ago. Since the beginning/middle of my senior year I knew I wanted more. Sure, I’m healthy. I look fine. I can run. Walk. Hike. Jump. Stretch. This isn’t enough. Losing weight wasn’t hard for me – all I had to do was eat less. Then I slowly started adding in at-home-workouts and I’ve been able to maintain for about two years, which is great. I’m not going to discredit myself because getting off the couch is as hard for me as it is anyone else. Not eating those goodies is painful. Honestly since moving to New York I haven’t been avoiding crappy food at all. At this point my living in New York isn’t anything new. This is my life for now. I can’t pause my goals just because of my circumstances: you are in control of your reactions.

I’m excited to push myself mentally and physically. At this point I’ve realized that I can’t sit in self-pity over the fact that my New York living isn’t what I thought it was going to be. Okay, things didn’t turn out as expected… what can I focus on that is in my control instead? Myself. I can go to the gym five days a week and kick ass. I can eat like a clean machine. I can push my body to the limit just to see how far it can go. I can stretch myself mentally to enforce my strength.

I’ve done a lot of talking. At this point I’ve been in New York for five months and I only have four and a half left. I’m going to have something to show for it. Strength, control, focus, ambition, success, ability. I’ve had the same desires for over a year, yet I never did anything to reach for them. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result – it’s time to do something different.

Cheers to strength; be it determined for yourself both physically and mentally.

New Year, Same Me

Day 145 (1/6/2017)
It feels very odd to write "2017;" it seems as though 2016 just got here yet it seemed as though 2017 would never get here. In 2016 I graduated from high school, finished my first real job, solidified my best friendships, moved to New York, moved into my first apartment, started college, started working full time, met new friends, and ate a lot of very delicious food.
People can say that 2016 was terrible from Donald Trump getting elected to Carrie Fisher passing. However, I feel as though that is the pitiful way to look at the year. Although I spend enough time for two people sulking in my own mentally made up sorrows, I'd rather not put this whole year behind me as a total bust. Each year brings triumph and defeat -- that doesn't mean either one has to be absolute. Since returning to New York after Christmas vacation in Oregon I have been feeling down. Restless nights spent waking at four in the morning, a lack of emotional energy, and no will to keep any lasting conversation. However, the difference between me now and the January 2016 version of myself is that I know this feeling will not last. I know that tomorrow the sun will rise, the snow may fall, and it will still be up to me to choose what I put my energy towards.
Today, I have lived in New York for 145 days and today I have 145 days left in New York. I could put my energy towards missing home, I could put my energy towards my fear of missing New York once I'm gone, or I could put my energy towards bettering myself each and every day regardless of my circumstances.
Instead of deciding to make a positive change in your life once a year, why don't we decide to make a positive change in our life once a day? I've been going to the gym 3 times a week since I came back after Christmas break (granted it's only been two weeks). Yesterday the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym --I tried to make every excuse. "I'll go Friday and Saturday" "I'll just do a workout at home" "I'm sore so I shouldn't". Even in the midst of making these excuses I was drinking my pre-workout and lacing up my shoes. The old me would have given into these tempting excuses, heck, even 3 weeks ago I would have given into these excuses, but remaining stagnant doesn't induce change.
It's hard when you're feeling down to force yourself out of the comfort of your blanket even when you tell yourself that it'd be for the better. It's easy to give into what's comfortable because it's, well, comfortable. Comfort however, isn't going to change anything. Staying comfortable will take time away from the progress you could be making. I don't like going to the gym and when I'm feeling anxious the last thing I want to do is exert my energy in a crowded room filled with people who look anything but anxious.
I haven't been talking much because I feel like it takes a lot more energy than I have. I've been wound so tight I haven't even called mom which is saying something. I suppose instead of losing my marbles  and winding up tight again I'm trying to slowly cut the tension.
The New Year was fun, Emily and I had the huge artichoke pizza again and then went to a park in Brooklyn that had some cover singers and fireworks. The fireworks were crazy close to us and we thought the beginning of the year would be the end of our lives -- death by firework explosion. Other than that I've been working and reading. School starts up on Monday and I'm excited for my classes.