Relax

Day 54 (10/7/2016)
Honestly, time has flown by. 54 days is a (relatively) long time, and in that time a lot has happened.
Last week was tough getting used to working out and eating healthy and doing my school work. But this week has been much better. I went to the gym on Tuesday and went again today (Friday). Although it wasn't a set schedule, after working out tomorrow I'll get my 3 days in, and that's all that matters to me. I've put less pressure on myself to plan an exact schedule each week -- it's been extremely helpful. Also, I've stopped trying to cut my calories so much, I don't want to lose weight, I want to gain muscle. I want to be strong. In order to fuel my muscle growth I've been eating more, and let me tell you. It's been amazing.
This has been the 2nd week of school and I realized that I put too much on my plate. I decided to drop a class due to it's confusing layout and the fact that I already know a lot of the information in the course. It feels much better only having to manage and complete 3 classes instead of 4. If I really focus I can get my classes done Monday-Thursday at work, so if I want to get ahead I can do that too, which will eventually elevate even more stress.
I think working out consistently and focusing my brain power on school work has helped my anxiety a lot. I've come to realize that I have many options for school next year and no matter what I chose it'll be a good decision. If I go to a school that isn't in New York I'm not going to doom myself for the rest of my life. And if I go to a school that is in New York, then I'm going to need to find places to hike (lol, right?).
I miss my family and friends dearly but I am starting to make a life for myself here and it feels great to be independent. I've gotten close with my family over the last few years so of course I still talk to them often, but at this point it's not because I need to talk to them. It's because I want to talk to them; and that's made a huge difference.
I normally want an exact plan for everything that I do. I constantly make lists and spreadsheets and I clarify times and I make countdowns. I'm very systematic. That's why I chose business and why I chose New York. I thought it was the most logical place to go for exponential business growth. But as I start to reflect on myself (why I did this, I don't know. It messed everything up) I've realized that I'm not very passionate about business on a large scale. Of course I loved my business classes in high school, I loved running the Titan Branch, and I loved doing marketing. I was passionate about the Titan Branch. It benefited my school, my community, and myself. Plus I had Mrs. Kilfoil which motivated me more than anything.
If I'm not interested in what I'm doing, if it's making me fall asleep, then I'm not going to do my best work. I just want to major in, and work in an industry that is going to allow me to give it my all. Some people may think I've lost my strength, some people may think I have failed, and many will question my decision to change courses. However, I feel so much better realizing that I'm not stuck somewhere that I don't want to be. I'm no longer doubting myself, I have motivation, I have enthusiasm, and I have energy (for the first time in my life). Moving out and living here has been very mentally cleansing. I know that I can take care of myself, I know that I can trust my decisions, and I know that I don't need to be coddled (uh-hum, Joe).
 I'm finally not terrified of the future, I'm genuinely ready and excited.