You Can't Beat Home Sweet Home

Day 136 (12/28/2016)
I had been longing to go home for the holidays. I was picking outfits, counting months, weeks, days, and making December plans in September, I was beyond ready. I left for the airport straight from work Thursday night and everything went smoothly. My flight was perfectly on time and a friend I made in NY was one row behind me!
When I got off the airplane it was a little surreal that I wasn't in New York anymore. I walked through the terminal searching through unfamiliar faces trying to find the one I knew. I found dad and we decided to grab a bite to eat at 1:00 in the morning! Now, in case you didn't know, I went a month and a half without any dessert food -- cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, pie, cake, anything. Sharrie's it was! S'mores pie, fries, and a grilled cheese sandwich was a great way to start off my Christmas vacation. Being the admitted talker that I am and the un-admitted talker that my dad is, we stayed up yacking until 4:00 in the morning which left only 4 hours until it was time to wake up. On the way to mom's house we stopped at Ron Tonkin in Wilsonville to check out some Ferrari's. I'm more of an old Rolls Royce and Cadillac type of gal, but they were pretty sweet.
I got to mom and pops and was beyond excited to see all of our
Christmas decorations alive and well. I walked in the door to hug pops and I finally felt my anxiety slip away. I was done counting down, I was done traveling, packing, waiting, and I was finally home. We went to visit mom at work and they fortunately let her leave early. We picked up my car from the body shop with it's beautiful new door and I hit the road.
I went to Maps in Monmouth to visit my dearly missed Maps Family. It was so great to see all of them and our dear friend Kelly. Honestly, the only way I could every get caught up with all of them is if I were there every day with them. I miss them dearly and hope their new NY mugs leave a little piece of me with them as their "Monmouth, OR" sticker leaves them with me.
Breonna and Emma are family. They're my sisters. I talk to them every single day and I couldn't hug them tight enough or talk with them long enough or laugh with them hard enough. Those two are the best friends I could have ever hoped to ask for and I am more than thankful for everything they have done for me. From decorating cookies, to eating too many sweets, to staying out late, and watching Christmas movies I couldn't have asked for anything more.
My dear uncle Tracy drove all the way over from Medford to visit the family -- I couldn't talk to everyone for very long but it was great to see him and I can't wait to live close to him. My sister was over all weekend and it was nice to be woken up early on Christmas instead of waking people up early. My dear Jonathan stopped by as well as Ariana and Dalia. I think everyone realizes how much it sucks being away from each other so everyone is making as many plans as possible for summer.
All in all, it was great to be back home. It gave me an extra boost of confidence and energy. I miss the clean air and family and trees and friends and rain with all of my heart, but I still have adventures left in New York to finish. Of course I'm excited to come home in June and yes, New York is still not the place for me however, these facts can not be my focus. I have ice cream to eat, a gym to hit, friends to laugh with, and a roommate to plan with still.
Thank you to everyone who saw me for Christmas and who has continued to follow and support my story. Happy Holidays!
Also: animal therapy is real and I missed my kitty's so much.

'Tis the Season for Ice Skating!

Day 122 (12/14/2016)
Everyone has asked me to go ice skating in New York so that they could see pictures. To be honest, the thought of ice skating was a bit scary being that I fall often without the added hardship of a thin blade on ice. Emily was out with a friend and they decided to invite four other people out including me. Emily was a doll and paid for my ticket so when I got off the subway I could just go to booth 7 and grab my bracelet.
We went to Bryant Park and they have the ice rink set up in hour and a half schedules so when I get there we had some waiting to do. As it turns out, everyone who we were with (six people) were all from Oregon. Emily and I from Salem, a couple from Eugene, and a couple from Portland. It still cracks me up that 3000 miles away in a city with over seven million people I always end up in a group of Oregonians.
Ice skates are supposed to be tight, but for me they were huge because they were out of my size and even the one above it. I stepped on the ice and immediately yanked on Emily's shoulders... I was a mess. After a few "step glide step glide" lessons I thought I had the hang of it... until I fell... three times. The skates were too big, the ice was too scraped, and I was too off balance. Fortunately I have an amazing roommate with ice skating experience and she held my hand the whole way. The crisp air and bright lights made for an amazing view. There were twinkling trees, steaming hot chocolates, and cold breaths. Skating on ice is a one of a kind feeling and was a great kick off to my Christmas spirit.
This weekend I was very productive and finished all of my Christmas shopping. We ventured out to Korean town -- I didn't even know that was a thing -- to see some cheap souvenir shops and yummy
coffee.
To reward ourselves for spending money for all of our Christmas presents we spent even more money on clothes! Blesses Buy, the second hand store near us, never disappoints. Although my wonderful parents sent me base layers and scarves and gloves I've still been cold. At Blessed Buy I got a giant sweater, a giant cardigan, a very "Manhattan" jacket, and another scarf. I was so happy to have more warm clothes and I'm excited to have even more after Christmas (wink wink). Although this weekend was great, the best part was that it snowed! Everyone in Oregon was posting pictures of snow and I was so jealous. Although we only got a dusting here and it didn't stick, it solidified the feeling of Christmas and gave me hope for January when we're supposed to get the most amount of snow.
It's crazy that It'll be Christmas so soon and I'll be in Oregon next Thursday. I'm really really really happy and excited to see everyone. I still don't really see people throughout the day especially since there haven't been parties at NYU I haven't really talked to many people and it kind of gets into my head. I feel boring but I know it's just because I don't really have anything to work on right now; no school, no books, no projects. I'm excited to visit Oregon and see everyone who I can completely be myself with.
Seeing more of the city has made me appreciate it more and I understand why people love it here, heck, I love it here, I just couldn't live my life here. It does get to me when people who moved here from Oregon talk so much shit about Oregon though. Just because it isn't for you doesn't mean it isn't right for others. That's been a huge lesson for me: everyone lives their life differently and that's okay.

Day 115 (12/7/2016)
It's December... already? I still can not wrap my head around how fast these almost four months have gone by. I'm very happy with the person I'm becoming -- less stressed, more active, self aware, and authentic. I'm always looking for more healthy activities to add to my life and over the last few weeks
I've realized how much TV I watch. Way too much! So I decided to write and read after work instead of watching TV... the downfall to this was I only have one book in NY in a series that I really want to read. So now that I've finished one book I have to wait two more weeks to get the rest of the series from Salem.
Also, I've been writing more (not on my blog though). A year or so back I had a 'falling out' of sorts with a family member that left a deeper impact on me than I was originally aware. I wrote a truthful and potentially (rightfully) painful letter to her and it feels good to let go of some nonsense.
Last week, on November 30th, was the Rockefeller Tree Lighting! It started at 7:00pm and one fact I did not know was that a ten block radius surrounding the tree is all shut down and barricaded off starting at 3:00pm. Needless to say there were thousands of people and thousands of steps taken trying to see the tree. I ended up getting there too late to get up close to the tree but I did see a glimpse of it. Either way, it was worth it to me. There were light and trees and ribbons and bows and cold air -- it felt like Christmas. The night was foggy and then soggy; I got caught in a huge rainstorm and ended up sprinting
from 52nd and 5th to 49th and 7th. I didn't get a picture of the tree but I got an amazing picture of a building in the fog.
This weekend was another low key one. Emily had work to do and I had finals. All day on Saturday, meaning 9:00am Saturday morning to 1:00am Sunday morning, I was working on finals... then again all day Sunday... then again part of the day Monday. Despite countless distractions I finished my finals! That means I have officially finished my first term of college which is the craziest thing I have ever said (mind you, I have said some crazy stuff). These almost four months have flown by faster than I could have ever imagined.
When I first got here I was unhappy and sure that time would go by at a snail's pace. I'm so happy to say that I genuinely enjoy living here and will continue to explore the city. I'm happy to be doing well in school, although not as good as hoped for, so that I can transfer to Bend next year.
I haven't been going to the gym because honestly, I haven't wanted to. I'm cold literally all day and when I get home after work I just want to blast the heat and wear 3 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of socks, 2 shirts, and a sweatshirt to finally be warm. I'm not feeling too guilty because I know I have been eating well. About a week and a half ago I decided to have no sweets -- cake, cookies, chocolate, candy, ice cream, froyo, doughnuts -- and no pizza until I go home for Christmas. I'm doing surprisingly well considering that I'm used to having ice cream 1-3 times a weekend.
I'm so so so excited to finally see my friends and family again. The time will be short but it'll be packed with baking and laughing and too many teenagers for my parents to handle.
This coming weekend should be filled with more activities to take pictures of and share with all of you, I'll be sure to post!

Thanksgiving in New York

Day 106 (11/28/2016)
It's crazy how many people I know in New York who were raised in Oregon... Anyways. A friend of mine and Abby's from high school is currently living in Chicago, he's Abby's best friend and came to New York for 5 days! He and Abby stayed at my place and by golly did we do a lot.
Thursday morning we had to wake up at 5:40... but for a good cause! We had to get up early enough to make it to Upper Manhattan in time for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Of course we needed some seasonal caffeinated beverages from Starbucks before standing in the tourist crowded cold. The parade started at 9:00 so we only had to wait for about two hours before it started -- which wasn't bad because we had a lot of jokes to tell and a lot of catching up to do.
I personally don't watch the parade on TV every year, so I didn't know what to expect. The marching band started playing, the clowns starting walking, and the floats started driving. The balloons were huge especially when the wind would start to knock them over and you'd have to brace for potential impact! The marching bands were phenomenal, the balloons were beautiful, and the crowd was wild. I enjoyed the SpongeBob, star, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and Pikachu balloons the best. The parade felt as though it went by fast however, by the time it was over it was only 10:30!
To be honest I don't remember the majority of what we did on that Thursday. The most memorable visit was to the World Trade Center. It was a long haul downtown but it was well worth it. The memorial fountains are beautifully engraved with everyone's name who passed during 9/11. The park service keeps track of everyone's birthday and puts a flower out on their names. On 9/24 there were about 7 birthdays; I didn't know this but you can Google the names engraved around the memorial (or on the memorial flag) and it takes you to a blurb written about them by their family. It's beautiful. For our Thanksgiving feast we went to a traditional Ethiopian restaurant and had a "feast for three". The food was delicious -- the spices, the textures, the sauces -- all of it. After walking all up and down Manhattan we were all a little loopy and drew a lot of attention to ourselves while irrationally laughing in the restaurant. After 30,000 steps taken, we earned a good night of sleep.
But! We didn't get it. We decided to watch The Titanic until 2am instead and then proceeded to wake up at 7am. Abby and Matt are vegan so we found an amazing vegan doughnut shop to go to for breakfast, honestly they tasted better to me than regular doughnuts. Friday was a lot: doughnuts, puppies, shopping, pizza, Central Park, The Met, Whole Foods, and a lot of walking. After only 5 hours of sleep and 30,000 more steps, I was pooped. Matt, Abby, and I went back to my place and cooked some dinner before watching The Never Ending Story.
They left early Saturday morning to have a day to themselves before Matt had to go home. All in all I had an amazing time exploring different parts of the city and partaking in many tourist activities. I'm still feeling good, I realized after eating doughnuts and pizza and junk that what you eat really does take a toll on your body. I'm happy to be eating yogurt and granola for breakfast, quinoa stir-fry for lunch, and veggie patty's for dinner this week. I'll be happy to go back to the gym tonight and I'll be delighted to get on an airplane in 24 days.
I'm still feeling great and I know that it'll last because it's completely intrinsic. I've been spending a lot of time just thinking about the person I'd like to be, the things I'd like to do, and the way I'd like to feel; it's been helpful.
Also! I'll be posting a few pictures from this weekend on my Google+ account which you can view by clicking on my name in the top right hand corner!

Day 100

(11/22/2016)
It's been 100 days and a lot has happened! I've cried, I've laughed, I've gotten frustrated, and I've overcome. I've conquered the subway, the LIRR, Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Long Island. I've eaten loads of ice cream, dozens of pancakes, and many pieces of pizza. I've had my fare share of beer, diet peach Snapple, and Swiss Miss marshmallow hot chocolate. I've met new friends, lost old friends, and have stayed steady with best friends. I've reminisced about the past, stressed about the future, and overlooked the present. Needless to say, a lot has changed in these past 100 days. I've broadened my eating habits, I've met people from many different backgrounds, and I've learned what it's like to be young and hungry. I feel like it's okay to say that I'm proud of myself. In Salem I used to not want to go to a coffee shop, or the grocery store, or the mall, or anywhere by myself. I would always ask friends to run errands with me or I'd ask my mom to go. I used to get anxiety thinking about going anywhere public alone, yet here I am. I moved to New York by myself, I went to Manhattan with knots in my stomach by myself, I went to job interviews by myself -- all of it. It's just me. Yes, I talk to my friends and family a lot but they aren't here to physically support me or go to new places with me. They weren't here when I tried all of these new things by myself and honestly, that's huge for me. I'm proud of myself for becoming more open minded, and independent, and adventurous. Honesty, I'm doing great even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes -- that's what matters most.
I listen a lot to other people's advise, which I 1000% appreciate, but I think other people's voices are starting to muffle my own. I keep saying I want to do what *feels* right, yet I keep doing what everyone else is suggesting. I think it's time to stop always asking for advise and start actually living by what I promote.

This weekend was amazing! My friends and I went to a wild rooftop party Friday night and stayed out until 4am; I was so tired I actually fell asleep on the subway. On Saturday I went to a holiday flea market that has teamed up with Smorgasburg (the place with amazing food including the ramen burger). There was amazing food, a ton of people, and vintage clothing and nick-knacks. It was nice to explore Brooklyn a little bit because I usually only venture out in Manhattan.

My friend from Salem who now lives in Chicago is coming to NY tomorrow until Saturday. He, Abby, and I have a lot planned like the Macy's thanksgiving day parade, too much food, and a lot of dessert. I'll be sure to take a ton of pictures and post all about it this weekend.Today I'm feeling amazing. I've done laundry, completed my homework, and have cleaned the house. I didn't make it to the gym today but I didn't beat myself up about it -- I know I'm healthy and I'll make it to the gym when I don't have guests. I get to register for my winter term classes on the 2nd and am excited to be taking a variety of classes next term that will help me earn my TOL degree. I'm excited for what the next 7 months have in store for me.

Freshman Fifteen

 Day 94 (11/16/2016)

I’ve been working on my fitness and health very half-assed. I eat out for pretty much every meal on the weekend and I have ice cream 2-3 days a week. Monday night I went to the gym for the first time in three weeks; I spent an hour on the treadmill alternating between walking, running, mild incline, and steep incline. I did a lot of chores around the house after I got home so on Tuesday Emily thanked me with pizza and beer. We decided that a large sausage, mushroom, and olive pizza would be our last hoorah before we kick things into gear. Honestly, my goal is to move towards a plant based diet – not vegan or vegetarian. I still like burgers, I still like chicken, I still like yogurt, and ice cream, and omelets, and turkey. I just want to base my normal eating habits around mostly fruits, veggies, and whole grains to get away from more processed foods.

I’ve tried a lot of different eating habits – low carb, low sugar, restricted calories, flux dieting, no dairy – but nothing has left me with sustainable results. Since the beginning of summer I’ve definitely lost muscle in my legs and gained fat just about everywhere else which has left me unhappy with my looks and with my overall health. I’m excited to go to the gym tonight and do another hour of cardio. I think starting out by doing 2 days of cardio a week and one day of weights for a month is a good way to reset my body and my mentality.

I’ve stopped trying to force myself to go to the gym at 6:00 in the morning just to avoid people, so I have since sucked it up and dealt with the 7:00pm gym rush. Since being really set on living out my next 3 years in Bend, Oregon I’ve had a lot more motivation. Walking around on a flat concrete surface – even for a large amount of miles – doesn’t require a lot of physical strength at my current state. However, hiking, biking, swimming, boarding, and climbing do.

I’d hate to let my health slip for this year in New York and then return to Oregon with no physical stamina to do the things I’ve been yearning to do.

Last week, as I’ve said, I took a lot of time off from people and social outings. I stayed in and thought about “if I could do anything right now, what would it be?” The answer wasn’t “go see the Empire State Building” or “go to a party” or “go window shopping”, my answer was “go outside”. Just in general. I wanted to smell fresh air and see clean trees. Personally, I’ve been surprised by how much I’ve been missing the outdoors until I talked to my mom. She, and everyone else in my family, thinks I’m crazy for being surprised by this. As a kid I was always outside on my scooter, or roller blades, or at my elementary school playing foursquare, or at a park, or swinging in my dad’s backyard. I constantly had to be doing something and I was constantly outside with friends, but because I was fat I never thought of myself as an outdoorsy person. It’s funny what effects a poor body image can have on the rest of your life.

I’m enjoying my time here with my roommate, new friends, and old friends. I love the city lights and the restaurants, I love the ice cream and the clubs. I genuinely enjoy my days here but I’m excited to be working towards the goals I have set for my future. I’m excited for the school program I hope to join in the fall, and I’m excited to be close to the beach, the mountains, the forest, the water, and the desert. 

Day by Day

Day 89 (11/10/2016)
This week has flown by! I feel like I was just doing laundry and cooking lunches for the week, now it's already almost time to do it again.
This weekend I saw my friend Abby. She went to West as well and I've known her since sophomore year. We had college writing together and were about the only two on the same wave length as our teacher. She goes to a preforming arts school and it was so great to see her. It's nice to be able to have someone out here who I genuinely considered a friend in Salem and now still in New York. She has a lot of similar views and values as I, which makes things even better. She loves New York and plans to stay here for the greater portion of her future... but she wants to work on Broadway and New York is the only place you'll find that.
Talking to her and hearing about all the adventuring she has done here made me think that maybe I do want to stay here. I thought about how I could work for a small activist company, spend every other weekend going upstate to find a hike, and spend every other weekend exploring the city. But then I talked to Breonna. She always helps me clarify things, "whatever you choose to do just make sure it's what you want and what's best for you!" I have an unfortunate amount of consideration for other people's opinions and I let other people's desires to stay in NY effect my potential desires. Obviously I've only been here for (almost) three months and still have so much time to find my niche, decide what I want to do net year, and continue to explore the city that I live in now. I've just been taking time to be in the moment and say "that feels right in my life" or "this makes me feel uneasy" or "this is something I would do again". Staying present has really helped me feel better.
When I try to think about next year or the next three years I feel like there's a huge weight on me. I feel like I'm being crushed on my shoulders and on my chest. However, just living in the moment removes that weight, removes the fear, removes the anxiety. This week I've been taking each day as it comes; and it's already Thursday!
My grades are going up, the days are going by faster, and I'm much less sick. I still haven't gone to the gym because honestly I'm not very motivated to. At this point there are no intense hikes on my list, there are no high altitudes to weather, and I don't feel a pull to go to the gym. I'm still working on my eating, I've got a great plan for next week's eating that I'm genuinely excited about. I feel good, I can genuinely say that.
This weekend I'm going to spend time with Abby and her friends, I'm going to different bars than normal, a different part of the city that normal, and will be spending time with different people than normal. I think doing different things each week will help me to identify what I enjoy here, and if I go hiking in a few weeks maybe that'll help too; to see if I really miss it. I'll be visiting my family and friends in 6 short weeks which will further help me decide what I want in my life. The middle of the year was rocky but I plan to end it with a smooth finish.