Day 11 (8/25/2016)

I haven’t been going out and doing at much lately so I haven’t been blogging as much. I’m not a tourist, I’m not on vacation. I live here. Every day isn’t a new adventure, every day is another day in my city.

I’ve been spending my days waiting for packages and applying to jobs. I actually got an interview, it’s at Kohl’s, not my first choice but it’d still be income. So August 30^th at 10:30 I’ll haul myself over to Junction Boulevard and complete my first interview in NYC.

For some reason earlier today I got very frustrated. Our wifi is very spotty and will shut off at random so I had to fill out the same job application a number of times – that was kind of the last straw. I had a mini meltdown and called mom. She’s been telling me the same thing since I moved here: just give it time. She says that once I have a routine (work, school, workout) that I won’t have time to focus on the changes that are happening, they’ll just be happening. I understand that. I appreciate and respect her advice unconditionally, but you never know how much ‘time’ getting used to something will take. Because to my impatient mind it’s already been 11 days and I should be used to everything already. However, once I put things into perspective I realize how ridiculous that thought process is.

I’ve lived in Salem my whole life until 11 days ago. That’s roughly 6,750 days… compared to 11. I’ve lived in the same house for 16 years until 11 days ago. That’s roughly 6,020 days… compared to 11. Expecting a complete life shift to feel 100% normal after only 11 days is a little too optimistic. But honestly it’s not even optimism I feel. I feel impatience. I want to have a job already, I want to start school, I want to feel comfortable purchasing a real bed instead of sleeping on an air mattress, I want to work out 3-5 days a week, I want to meet people, I want to find a school to go to next year, I want to walk around as a stern New Yorker rather than a doe-eyed tourist (which I’m already mastering), I want to walk in the door and feel as though I’m at home not just as though I’m in a comfortable house. My goals are simple, but they will all take time. The amount of time is unknown to me or anyone else. But it will happen.

The waiting period is always the hardest. I’m excited for my future while in the midst of missing my past. I miss hiking and swimming and seeing my friends, I miss having a tight knit group of people to go on adventures with (including my parents). I like New York. I like the city, I like the opportunity, I like the high rise buildings, I like the numerous walks of life, I like the options, I like the feel. I like it a lot. But I also like Oregon a lot. But there’s also 48 other states that I may like as well.

When making a decision, there is always a risk that you didn’t make the right one. When making a decision there is always fear that there were better opportunities left unturned. These fears become ever more haunting when it’s a decision about the rest of your life.

I want to travel – but not just vacation. I want to live in a multitude of different states and countries. I want to work there. I want to be a part of the culture there. I want to understand the life there. I want to be a part of there. Wherever ‘there’ might be.

But that takes so much work. The overwhelming feeling of the future weight on my shoulders is unreasonable, yet crippling. To be 100% honest. I’m scared. I scared for how this year will turn out. I’m scared that I’m going to drain my saving on just the basics of living. I’m scared that I’m still going to want to come back home in a few months. However, the power of thought is a very important thing to me and I know that if I think about the negative, then it’ll be more like to happen; because I won’t be focusing on my goals and priorities. I so desperately want this year to go well and I so desperately want to want to go to school here and have New York City be my home base.

Honestly, as a high school student my parents were irritating. They told me things that I already knew, or they told me things that I didn’t want to hear. They also put pressure on me to get things done when I had no motivation, and didn’t want to be forced to do things (even if it was best for me). I always fantasized about the day I’d move out of my parent’s house and how I’d feel and what I’d say and what I’d do without their supervision. But now I miss them. Over the last year mom, pops, and dad became my best friends. Thinking about going the rest of my life only seeing my parents 1-2 times a year is a very unsettling thought. I understand that I can’t center my life or decisions around another person, but I just don’t like having to miss people. I’m very particular and I like things the way I like them.

Things are changing, things have changed. Now it’s time for me to roll with it and change along the way. I can apply to a million different schools and scholarships from September-December, but I don’t have to make a commitment until around February or March. I have time. I have time to just work and go to school and apply to different schools and scholarships. I have roughly 6 months until I need to finalize my plans. That’s comforting.

At any point in life, things change. First school, then jobs, maybe relationships, the loss of family members, the into or out of retirement, following the sun – anything. If I can’t adjust to change now, then I might as well find a foolproof mediocre path. But I don’t want that.

The path to success (‘success’ is to be defined by each individual) is full of many up’s and down’s. You just have to ride them out. Because sitting in a smooth lake is nice, but playing in the big ocean waves is even better.