Day 17 (8/31/2016)
I hate having to start out writing by saying "the past few days have been rough", but I'm here to be honest and to share my genuine experience. I'm not here to make everything appear to be gum drops and rainbows. With that said... the past few days have been rough. To be completely honest, I struggle with anxiety. And on Monday my anxiety was irrationally overwhelming. Every single negative thought I have ever had in the last two weeks hit me all at once: my lack of a job, my lack of friends, my lack of family, how I've been lying about every day being good, how I feel like an idiot for moving here when staying in Oregon would have been way easier, and how I was considering going home now and mailing Emily a check for rent each month. But that was Monday. Today is Wednesday and a lot has changed.
Making friends takes time – no matter where you live. Family is always with you if you want them to be – even if it's not physically. I was just trying to sound positive – even if I was lying to people. Moving here was not idiotic – it will just take time to adjust. Getting a job will take time – apparently 17 days. That's correct! I got not only one, but two jobs today! Starting this Friday I'll be working 40 hours a week at an educational facility and I'll be working 16-25 hours a weekend at Kohl's as a sales representative. Tomorrow I'll be meeting with my new boss (although I deeply miss my old "bosses" (they're really more like family)) at the education facility that I'll be working at. I'm very passionate about educating children and adults from all different backgrounds with the proper skills they need to have an opportunity to make something of themselves. I'm also very passionate about equalizing the public school experience in America, but that's another project to work on.
I still call my mom and pops every day, and that's potentially part of the problem. I'm still holding on very tightly to them instead of focusing on new things to hold onto. But some days, you just need your mom. She's been here my whole life and I refuse to let her get too far away from her phone. I feel badly though. When I moved to New York it was a chance for me and my parents to start a new life as separate entities. Yet, they still spend a lot of time searching for scholarships and job opportunities for me. They are also regularly interrupted throughout the day by a call, text, or email from me. Also, my stress goes directly to them and leaves them with an uneasy feeling. I feel badly that my problems become their problems because I feel that's not normally how things go when children move out of their parents house. I picture the parents and the child seamlessly leading through their new lives without any common stresses. I suppose I just don't want my parents to worry about me... I also suppose I make that difficult, being that I call them whenever I have a problem. I should probably stop doing that. Moving out includes being an adult and being an adult includes fighting through your own struggles without the constant hand of your parents.
I'm excited to have a job. I'm excited to start building my savings back up. I'm excited to start meeting more people. It's funny because everyone who interviewed me asked me more about what brought me to New York, how crazy I am, and how sad my parents are more so than my qualifications. My Kohl's interviewer didn't ask me any interview questions once I told her I moved to New York 8 weeks after graduating from high school.
Everyone who interviewed me wanted to help me. They wanted to be able to provide an income for me, give me a place to socialize, and help me find my way around the city. It was a nice change of pace from what I expected in the job force. I've been filling my time with regular duties: laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, budgeting, writing, and applying to scholarships.
Once I start working 56-65 hours a week and begin my classes, I won't be able to go out often and see the sites. However, money is very important to a young adult who is living and going to school in New York. Also, if I'm able to go out less I'll appreciate it much more when I'm finally able to.
I can genuinely say that today was a good day. I can genuinely say that I'm happy with the new companies that I'll be apart of, and I'm happy to be finding my place here.
Thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with me and supporting me through the past (and future) up's and down's.