Day 7 (8/21/2016)

Would staying in New York be a bad idea? In august I’ll be an NY resident and school might be the same price as U of O would be. Once I start working I could see how much money I’m making and see how doable it is. But then again, do I really want to go to school full time, work part time, and pay more than $1,000 a month in rent? Or do I want to go to Eugene to go to school full time, work part time, and pay $600 a month in rent? But then again, with the wage difference, it might not be such a huge difference in expenses (in ratio).

I think the reason I want to move back to Oregon right now is because I’m scared. I don’t really know what I’m scared of though. The people? Not really. The subway? I’m getting used to it. The being alone? No. The unfamiliarity? Probably. But even if I moved to Eugene I would still not know about all the places nearby, I would still have to make new friends, I would again not have a job, I would again be in Oregon. Emily asked “have you considered staying in New York?” and my answer was no. My answer was no because I feel as though the only way for me to save up more money is to live in Oregon again. But how is that a logical thought? It’s not like people who live in New York are unable to save any money? There are college students here who have jobs and rent and other expenses. Student loans don’t have to be paid off all at once. They are paid off over time and you can pay more when you have more to spend.

The shitty thing is, I can call my parents all I want. I can cry to them every night about how confused I am. I can ask them about potential plans and ideas, but they can’t tell me what to do. They can’t tell me what the best option is. I can barely do that. They will support me whether I decide to move back to Oregon in June, whether I decide to stay for a year of college, or the last 3 I have to complete. They’ll support me if I want to move to California or Switzerland or Alaska or Brazil. They’ll support me no matter what. But in the end. I’m the one who has to make my final decision.

Pops told me I need to relax, slow down, and take things one day at a time for right now. Which is true. Easy? No. I always get a spark of an idea and turn it into C4. But he’s right. I should let my ideas spark and wait for them to either fizzle out or catch fire.

No matter how hard I try, the thoughts of other people’s opinion always plague my mind. I don’t want my dad to think I’ve failed if I don’t stay in New York forever and I don’t want mom and pops to think I’ve failed if I don’t move back to Oregon. However, at the end of the day it’s me. It’s me alone with my thoughts and my decisions and my consequences. What do I want? At this point I’m not sure. But I have an idea of where I hope to go.

I've been looking into colleges and universities here in New York. Looking into them really excites me. Being able to see that these places are legitimate options for me. Staying in for the last two days has made this apartment feel more like home. Plus the fact that my sister sent me a comforter and pillow set that I love. As I spend more time working in my room, socializing in the living area, cooking in the kitchen, and walking the stairs, it all becomes more familiar.

I've applied to roughly 25 jobs from teller positions, sales, data entry, news rooms, airline internships, writing... pretty much anything that I'm even remotely qualified for. I also went to the other side of our neighborhood to go get pizza as Emily stayed home and made cookies. First of all: the pizza here is phenomenal. The crust is the perfect thickness, crunchy on the bottom, soft in the middle, and cheesy on top. I've lived here for 7 nights and I've had pizza for dinner 3 of those nights. But it's okay because I walk everywhere and pizza is a vegetable according to public school nutritional guidelines.

Once I get a job I'll be able to join a gym. Once school starts I'll have a lot of consistency -- work, school, workout. I'm excited to have a routine in my new home. I'm excited to get comfortable with new things. To change the scary into trivial. I don't have huge aspirations right now and that's okay. I'm only 18 and haven't even started college yet. My goal for the next month or two is just to get my feet on the ground. Funny how a 6 hours flight can keep your head in the clouds for weeks.