Day 40 (9/23/2016)

Second Day at the Gym
Again, when I woke up this morning I was trying to convince myself not to go to the gym. Saying that I needed sleep, or that I could go in the afternoon, or tomorrow morning. But once again, my desire to live a healthier lifestyle out weighed my desire for laziness.
So, unfortunately even after working out on Wednesday, I was hardly sore at all. I was disappointed in myself but then I stopped that. This was my first time in a gym in probably 10 years so I needed to get a feel for what my body could do. I lifted too light on Wednesday so today I made sure I didn't.
I started with a 20 minute cardio warm up which included 10 minutes of running. My sophomore year I could run over three miles... let's just say that isn't the case anymore. I was happy with 10 minutes but even happier knowing I could have done more.
I did legs again because if you know me you know I'm obsessed with toned quads and big legs; being that I have naturally larger legs. I stepped up every machine by 15-20 pounds and felt great! I definitely broke a sweat and pushed myself harder. My legs felt like Jell-O at the end of the workout and I was already sore. Tomorrow and Sunday I'll be even more sore, but Monday morning I'll hit the gym to work on abs and arms.
On the train to work I so desperately wanted to fall asleep. I could barely keep my eyes open. However, when I got to work I had a piece of bread with peanut better and am feeling less tired than I did at this time on Wednesday. It's a small step, but it's an improvement.
This weekend will be filled with a lot of carbs (planned bagel and noodles) as well as a lot of sugar (of course we're going to get ice cream) so I feel better going into the weekend knowing that the last few days my diet has been seamless and I worked hard in the gym. I'm going to enjoy being relaxed and eating junk food a few days (I'll post about it on Sunday). But come Monday, I'll be excited to hit the gym again.
Thanks for all the support!

Day 38 (9/21/2016)

First day at the gym.
The last year or so I've been trying to move my body more. Join my parents in hiking, workout to Fitness Blender videos, go for a walk, head to the beach for some sand activities -- the list goes on. Since the beginning of sophomore year I've lost 35 pounds which I'm very proud of, but there's still more that I want to do.
I used to base my goals off of a certain look or weight, and at first that was good. At 190 pounds getting down to 160 was a reasonable and healthy goal. However, being 155 with large legs it's hard to pinpoint a weight goal from this point because I'm already healthy but I'd like to lose some more fat and gain some more muscle. Also I can't look at another person's picture and say "I'm going to look like that" because I'll never look like 'that'! I'll always look like me, just maybe smaller in the middle. That's all. My goal is no longer fixated on a number or a look. My goal is based off of ability. I want to be strong. I want be able to hike for hours. I want to increase my lung capacity. I want to increase my heart's strength. So. What am I going to do? I'm going to be strong. I'm going to hike for hours. I'm going to increase my lung capacity. I'm going to increase my heart's strength. And it started last night.
When I first moved to New York I wanted to join a gym but I decided to wait until after I got a job. My rationale for this was that I wanted to spend as little from my savings as possible. Then I got a job. This is my 3rd week. I decided that I was going to wait until I started school to join a gym. My rationale for this was that until school started I wouldn't know how much free time I'd have in my day. Then I realized that even after school started I'd find another excuse: after the holiday's, once it warms up more, once my allergies are gone, and so on and so on and so on. I realized that I would never join a gym if I made it conditional to another circumstance. So last night. I didn't go home right after work. I went to Planet Fitness. Got a tour. Gave them my info. And became a member.

I get home around 6:40pm and once I'm home I like to make dinner, watch some TV or read, then head to bed, so I didn't want to workout in the afternoons. Plus once I get home and kick off my shoes, I'm less inclined to put them back on. So the mornings it is!
I decided that 6:00am was wake up time. I woke up at 6:00 this morning as planned and IMMEDIATELY thought "nahh, I can go after work, or I can go tomorrow morning." My first day at the gym! After all those motivational thoughts!What was I thinking? I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and got to the gym around 6:20. I hit the treadmill for a quick warm up them hit every single leg machine available. I'm not really a cardio bunny. I do enjoy running but not for long distances and not very often. I like to walk to loosen my muscles and get my blood flowing. I'm more of a weights person. I want muscles. I want to be able to walk a staircase that goes on forever -- or a hike with tree roots as stairs that go on forever (Cascade Head, Neskowin, Oregon).
I stayed for about 45 minutes and cooled down with the walk home. I got ready for work, had my smoothie and realized that I needed more. I had a protein bar with breakfast and packed a piece of bread with peanut butter for an extra snack. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle and add endurance; this requires fuel. And food is fuel. I've been eating very clean and I feel good.
I almost fell asleep on the train to work and was a little pooped when I got to the office, but this is only day one. I'll hit the gym again Friday morning no matter how much my body doesn't want to.
It's all mind over matter -- or so I'm told.

Day 36 (9/19/2016)
I had intended to write this last night, but alas life got in the way. I had food to buy, lunches to make, laundry to do, and a smoke alarm to tackle.
This weekend was busy busy busy, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I worked out three days last week which included Friday; no going out, no parties, no lack of sleep, just another good clean day. On Saturday Emily and I got up and headed to Williamsburg. There's an even going on right now with dozens of food and ice cream tents filling the air with a fried food aroma. Heaven. We got burgers. But not just any burgers. We got burgers with noodles for the bun. The noodles were cooked to perfection, the patty had cheese, lettuce, and a sweet soy sauce on it. It was mouth watering good. After a small food coma we headed over to Williamsburg Cinema and watched a movie to kill some time and get out of the heat.
Some students from UofO that Emily knows were here for the week so we met up with them at Central Bar -- they play the Duck games and let all ages in. It was awesome to be surrounded by former Oregonians who were all intensely invested in the game... and intensely devastated in the end. Come on Ducks!
I went home rather early and had an amazing night sleep. It's consistently cooling down for the season and I couldn't be happier because that means pumpkin everything.
On Sunday's I normally wake up around 10, but instead I woke up at 8 this weekend. The only plans we had for the day was ice cream, and although I'd love to have ice cream for breakfast, the shop didn't open until noon. We decided to kill some time early on. We headed for the Financial District to find Century21 -- 65% off name brands 100% of the time. Unfortunately we couldn't find what we were looking for, so instead we grabbed a snack before walking 2 miles to get ice cream -- the dedication is real.
Okay. So. This place, called Ice and Vice, is an amazing ice cream shop but... it's located on the way outskirts of Chinatown. It's amazing nonetheless, but would have much more business in Manhattan. They're similar to Salt and Straw with their funky flavors but wayyyy better with they richness. I had a scoop of dark chocolate ganache ice cream with a scoop of sea salt vanilla ice cream in a birthday cake waffle cone. I know it sounds like a lot, because it was, but it was amazing. The texture was seamless and creamy, the ice cream was perfectly frozen so it wasn't impossible to eat without a spoon and it wasn't dripping the second it hit your hand.
I'm very health oriented, even more so recently, however I believe in balance. Everyone has tried to tell me this my whole life (shocker), but I thought everything had to be strict and restrictive. I've began to learn that it's not possible or healthy for me to say "I can only eat these specific foods and I'm only going to eat them at this specific time" because then I think about when can I eat when can I eat when can I eat. And if I were to eat food that wasn't on my list I'd feel like a failure. The point is, sugar is fine in moderation, junk is fine in moderation, couch potatoing is fine in moderation. Life is all about balance. Do what keeps your body healthy, but also do what makes you happy. Enjoy life, enjoy that ice cream, soak up that fresh air, laugh at that tv show, enjoy it all. And don't let anyone decide what "happiness" is for you.

Day 32 (9/15/2016)
It has officially been one month since I moved to New York. It's been one month, yet my mind feels as though it's been years and I've done nothing with my life.
Living with anxiety is tough. Rationally understanding that worrying is unnecessary and counterproductive -- but being unable to control it. My mind feels as though it's racing in 100 directions at all times: when can I eat, join a gym, but a gym is intimidating, leave 30 minutes early so you're not late, ugh you left too early now you have to wait forever, okay go to sleep now, but I want to do this, follow your eating plan, eat everything right now, lose weight, I'm okay how I am, just watch Netflix, no do something productive -- and this is just 2 minutes in my head.
The only time I have peace is when I'm on the train to or from work listening to music.
If I wanted to workout in the morning I'd have to wake up around 6:00am or 6:15am which would be good to go in the morning because it wouldn't be busy, but I'd have to get up early. Or I could go after work around 6:45pm, but then I wouldn't be eating until around 8:00pm, then I wouldn't have time to school work after that really. But I suppose that is the life of a college student: doing everything desired except sleeping. Work is slow so hopefully I'd be able to get a lot of school work done during the day there.
If I could get up at 6:00am three days a week and workout for an hour, I'd be set. Then I could go to work and get some school done and have time for homework after and hopefully head to bed around 9:00pm. Then the two other days I could wake up at 7:30am and get ready for work, then I could go to bed around 10:30pm and have even more time for homework afterwards. That's a good goal. That's obtainable.
You see? These are the thoughts that race through my head every second of every day. My computer and phone are full of to do lists, and spreadsheets, and idea lists, and so many other compulsive thoughts that I can't control.
Senior year was tough due to all the changes, but moving to New York is insane. I'm constantly torn between wanting to go hiking and run and do something with my energy (which Oregon can offer) but I also want to be involved in the fast pace business world (which New York can offer). I rationally understand that I don't have to decide anything right now, but I irrationally think I need everything planned out to the exact minute right now.
I also understand that being confused is a part of being a young adult. I've always been so confident with everything that I do, but I feel as though I'm slowly becoming timid, which I don't like. I almost feel as though I'm losing a sense of myself like it's slipping away and I just can't quite grab it to pull it back. It's an awkward feeling to experience and it isn't familiar.
I'd like to make clear that anxiety isn't something that someone can just "get over". It's not being momentarily anxious. It's having anxiety. It's low serotonin levels in your brain. You can't "snap out of" biology.
I just feel very lost. I hope I can find the beauty in being lost rather than the disaster.

Day 28 (9/1/2016)

Searching through the whole apartment trying to find $2.25 in quarters. Walking a few blocks with 15 pounds on my shoulder, a phone on my hip, and a laptop in my hand. Oh the joys of Sunday laundry.

Today I’ve pretty much only eaten sugar so excuse my piss-poor-sugar-crash-lack-of-sleep attitude.

This weekend has been a busy one. On Friday I went to another party at NYU. I got there around 9:30 and it was dead, but a few people from last weekend were there. All of a sudden, twenty minutes later, the music was blasting and the party was poppin’ – apparently too poppin’ – the cops showed up at 10:30 (which is very early). The host’s spoke to them and were told to send everyone home. I personally wasn’t upset, I wanted to go home anyway. However, I talked to a girl, Justine, who I met last Friday. She is also form Oregon and even knows my best friend Emma; I never expected that.

We both are anti-getting in trouble, so we were

relieved to leave the party unbothered.

So it’s the weekend, right? Most people sleep in at least an hour more than normal. Not me apparently. I not only didn’t sleep in; I woke up 30 minutes earlier than I do for work – but not by choice. It’s been hot again the last few days and from 7am-10am the sun light in my room is terrible. I wake up sweating and feeling like death. So the last few nights I’ve only gotten about seven hours of sleep, but I’ll sleep good tonight – I can feel it.

Saturday morning, I woke up and was very lazy. I spent a good two or three hours watching TV on my computer. However, I had a plan for the day. Cookies! Not just any cookies. Amazing cookies. There is a bakery called Levain Bakery. They make cookies, brioche, bread, pound cake, all the good stuff. I got a dark chocolate peanut butter chip cookie and it was amazing. The cookie was slightly crunchy on the outside and doughy on the inside. It was very rich and almost had a fudge consistency. It racked in at 606 calories, but was oh so worth it. I found a shady place along the curb to pop a squat and devour this baked gold. There are two or three different locations for Levain Bakery – I went to the one near 117^th street – which is very uptown. I had to take the L train all the way to 8^th avenue (across Manhattan) then take the C to 116^th street (up Manhattan). It was about an hour ride each way, and it was roughly 90 degrees which felt like 100 degrees, but it was so worth the effort. I brought one home for Emily who had to work all weekend, then returned to being lazy the rest of the day.

Today though, was a different story. Justine, Daniel, and I (all from Salem), decided to go to a place called Black Tap in Soho which is known for its milkshakes and burgers. Knowing me, I wanted to go for the shakes. I’ve heard a lot about Black Tap and normally there is a crazy line, but being that it was a Sunday, we only had to wait for about 20 minutes. We ordered a “Cookies Shake” and a “Sweet and Salty Shake” with an order of Idaho fries and sweet potatoes fries. We knew that the milkshakes were large so we split two orders of fries and two milkshakes between the three of us. We devoured the fries and immediately regretted it once the shakes came. The Cookie Shake had a heaping pile of whipped cream with two ice cream sandwiches and vanilla frosting on the side. The Sweet and Salty Shake had heaping pile of whipped cream with large pretzels, chocolate, peanut butter, and M&Ms on the side. We pounded down the whipped cream and toppings until we realized that there was still actual milkshake left. We all had a few sips of each shake and had to give up. Although we didn’t get any, the burgers looked amazing and are definitely worth going back for.

We decided to give ourselves some time to come out of our food comas so we went to Justine’s dorm to see how she lives. Her bedroom view is killer (at right). I long for the day to wake up to a view like that… but I also want a view of the beach or mountains or a forest… but that’s a different story.

Daniel and I say “cya” to Justine and headed for the subway; I was very thankful for the walk. Fortunately, I had a small breakfast and plan on only having chicken for dinner so it wasn’t too bad.

When I got back home I Skyped my dad for about two hours and had a good conversation about work – oh yes, work. For work I have to leave around 8:15am, get on the L towards Queens, get off at East New York, get on the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR) at 8:47am, and get to work by 9:30am. I have a lot of computer/sitting work to do, which I’m not used to but at least I’m good with excel and like programs. I get off work at 5:30pm, get on the LIRR at 5:42pm, get to East New York, get on the subway towards Manhattan, and finally get home. It’s about an hour commute each way, but I like having that time to just look out the window and listen to music. It’s relaxing. I get home around 6:45pm, eat some dinner, work on scholarships, drink tea, and head to bed.
I’m excited for school to start on the 26^th. Even though it’s only online I’m excited to start learning again and adding more value to myself. I like having books to read and things to do and lessons to finish. I like having tasks to complete.

Monday-Friday are the typical 40 hours a week work week, but the weekends are for new adventures. I just wish some of the adventures included nature or the water or a hike – maybe in the fall.

Day 24 (9/7/2016)

My first and second day of work are completed! Eight hours a day, five day a week. I’m a regular worker bee. Last night I got home from my first day of work and wanted to head to bed (around 8pm), but I had to go grocery shopping. I wish I still ate like crap because let me tell you, candy and chips sound so good sometimes… but I don’t. I eat boring things like rice, chicken, rice cakes, whole wheat sandwiches, fruit smoothies, etc. But on the weekends Emily and I go out. We’ve decided to find a new sweets place (cookies, ice cream, cake) on Saturday’s, and either go to breakfast or get a savory meal on Sunday’s. Personally I like it best when we find cookies, ice cream, and sweet breakfast foods, but she’s more into savory foods, so we keep each other balanced.

It’s interesting seeing people going back to school for their first day of senior year today. That glorified day was only a year ago for me, but it feels like forever. I’m trying to think of all the things that have changed since my first day, honestly I couldn’t even think of everything if I’ve tried. Of course there’s been loss. But there’s been so much gain. Breonna, Emma, and I got a lot closer and had many adventures. I had the best job in the world. I turned 18. I flushed toxic people from my life. I graduated from high school with all my best friends. Oh yeah, and I moved to New York.

That last one has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s funny looking back at old memories and thinking “I wanted to move to New York then. Even then. Even they knew I wanted to move to New York” and here I am. I thought I’d never say the words “I miss high school”, but I kind of do. My college writing class was amazing, I figured out who my true friends were, and my whole life was about the Titan Branch and Maps CU, of which I loved. However, I would not go back even if I had the chance to. There is so much beyond high school and even college. In high school, I thought I knew everything and I thought I had my life all planned out. Then I did the only thing I ever wanted to do and here I realized that my 18-year-old self doesn’t in fact know everything. How crazy is that?!

I kind of feel like a stick in the mud now to be honest. Thinking that you know everything adds a certain amount of un-backed confidence, but when you realize that you still have a lot to learn, it can be kind of intimidating. But I’m ready. When I first moved here I was so culture shocked. I was so afraid. I felt so alone. I just wanted to go back home. And Oregon is always an option. Manhattan is an option. Upstate is an option. The point is, I have limitless options – as does everyone else. Just because you’ve been doing the same thing for an x amount of years doesn’t mean that you can’t decide to change what you’re doing. (It’s funny because everything I’m saying is what my mom told me).

I’ve just begun to realize that I’m not stuck. I have options, I have the work ethic to execute those options, and in the words of Frank Sinatra, “if I can make it here, I know I can make it anywhere.” I’ve been kind of a stickler, stuck on the computer between job applications, scholarship applications, college research, and Netflix that I feel like I need to get out more. Emily and I are going to another NYU party on Friday and hopefully we’ll go to this amazing looking cookie shop on Saturday. But if Emily can’t come, then I’m going to go by myself. She’s not here to take the place of holding my hand. She’s here to do her thing, as am I. By June I want to go to the World Trade Center, top of the Empire State Building, Liberty Island, a zoo, and 5 famous places to grab a bite to eat.

I love to take pictures, I love to write about my experiences, and I love to let everyone know what I’m up to. And as of right I’m working and focusing on school. But don’t worry. More adventures are to come.

Day 22 (9/5/2016)
It has officially been 3 weeks! To think that 3 weeks ago I woke up at 6am, grabbed my bag, grabbed my boarding pass, and loaded onto a plane is crazy. I'm beginning to feel less alone. Although I don't habitually talk to people here I went to 4 parties this weekend, met people from all over the world, and met even more people who used to live in Salem. I went to NYU with Emily to meet up with Daniel who lived in south Salem, and Joey who is from the Dominican Republic. It was nice to actually have friends here and know that I can text or call them anytime I feel like.

Besides partying I've met up with my boss new a few times (although when I talk about Maps I still say at work”). He showed me the office that I'll be working at, we had lunch, and talked about our aspirations. He's very nice. He left his old secure job to follow his passion of education, which I admire. He has opened many learning institute and makes a killing doing so. He is putting a lot of faith in me solely because of the fact that I made the ballsy decision to pick up everything and move to New York. Although I have spent a lot of time questioning my decision to move here, I am feeling much more secure. I don't know what it was that made me feel better. Yesterday I just stayed home and watched movies and did some chores. Then today, Emily and I went out to breakfast, watched TV, bought some necessities, and did some laundry. Maybe each day feels more like home. Maybe each day I learn something new. Maybe each day really does get better. 

Breakfast was amazing. We went to a little crape/waffle/bagel/drink shop. You get to pick a base and add toppings. I had waffles (of course) with Nutella, whipped cream, and bananas. Ohhhhh my goodness. It was so good. The Nutella was drizzled all over, the bananas were cut into perfect bite size pieces, and the whipped cream was on the side for an eye pleasing effect. To wash it all down I had an ice hot chocolate – that's right. Iced. It tasted exactly like hot chocolate… without the burning effect of 190-degree water.

After breakfast Emily had some work to do from home and I had a nap to take. Moving to a New Place and walking everywhere and being emotionally distressed takes a lot out of you... but it's getting better, and I'm sleeping better, and I'm getting used to walking everywhere; it's been very good for my health. Reaching 10,000 steps almost every day is very satisfying and very healthy. I want to join a gym but right now my priorities are work and school (because I tend to take on too much too soon).

Tomorrow if my first day of work, and I have to say, I’m pretty excited. I’m excited to have a place to go all day, I’m excited to start making money again, I’m excited to be a part of a company that is growing exponentially. I just called mom and talked to her about her day and my day. She’s been sending me pictures of the delicious meal that her and pops cook, I’m jealous, but I’m inspired. I’m continuing to eat healthy so brown rice, chicken, and veggies it is. I got a single serve smoothie maker this morning so I’m going to have a protein and micro-nutrient packed smoothies for breakfast. Dinner might end up being a sandwich on whole grain bread because I’ll get home so late and probably won’t want to cook. So as mom suggested, lunch will be my big meal of the day. It’s nice to be in control of what you buy and – if you eat bad, it’s on you.

It’s funny the things you learn when not living with your parents. You realize that you don’t know everything, and you’re not always right. Hanging out with college kids made me realize how much of a know-it-all I sued to be. College kids act as though because they’re in college that they know everything and have to right to bash anyone with a disagreeing opinion. It’s irritating. And I realize that I used to do that. I used to be that irritating. God, that’s embarrassing.

My roommate and I had a discussion about college and partying. After spending all weekend around drunks, staying out late, and eating crappy food, I realized that this isn’t what I came to New York for. I didn’t come to party, I didn’t come to stay up too late, I didn’t come here to get middle of the night ice cream – that’s what I did in high school. I know that the typical depiction of college is partying, drinking, and having fun. But to me college is a place to meet like-minded people, to learn, and to grow. Now, at parties there are a lot of like-minded people there… however, I’m not one of them. Anyway, some people brought up the point that I’m going to miss out on my college experience. To people who agree with that, I rebuttal: One, I’m not actually in college yet, so when I join a university I’ll be more comfortable going out. Two, just because I don’t want to go to a frat party every weekend doesn’t mean that I won’t go once in a while and doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be social. Last, college to me is a place to figure out what I want to do and what’s important to me. I’d rather focus on my future than the next beer run.

I’m excited and stumped by what the future holds. I’m ready to work, learn, and be a self-sustaining adult. Funny how I have to convince myself to do that last part. No one has ever shared the struggles they endured when moving away from home. But I’m going to. Not just to share with everyone else, but to also keep myself sane. Writing helps. Talking help. And having people close helps.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day where I officially become what I didn’t want to be – a 9-5 worker (actually 10-6). However, it’s necessary, it’s a new chapter, and it’s a start to my future.