Day 32 (9/15/2016)
It has officially been one month since I moved to New York. It's been one month, yet my mind feels as though it's been years and I've done nothing with my life.
Living with anxiety is tough. Rationally understanding that worrying is unnecessary and counterproductive -- but being unable to control it. My mind feels as though it's racing in 100 directions at all times: when can I eat, join a gym, but a gym is intimidating, leave 30 minutes early so you're not late, ugh you left too early now you have to wait forever, okay go to sleep now, but I want to do this, follow your eating plan, eat everything right now, lose weight, I'm okay how I am, just watch Netflix, no do something productive -- and this is just 2 minutes in my head.
The only time I have peace is when I'm on the train to or from work listening to music.
If I wanted to workout in the morning I'd have to wake up around 6:00am or 6:15am which would be good to go in the morning because it wouldn't be busy, but I'd have to get up early. Or I could go after work around 6:45pm, but then I wouldn't be eating until around 8:00pm, then I wouldn't have time to school work after that really. But I suppose that is the life of a college student: doing everything desired except sleeping. Work is slow so hopefully I'd be able to get a lot of school work done during the day there.
If I could get up at 6:00am three days a week and workout for an hour, I'd be set. Then I could go to work and get some school done and have time for homework after and hopefully head to bed around 9:00pm. Then the two other days I could wake up at 7:30am and get ready for work, then I could go to bed around 10:30pm and have even more time for homework afterwards. That's a good goal. That's obtainable.
You see? These are the thoughts that race through my head every second of every day. My computer and phone are full of to do lists, and spreadsheets, and idea lists, and so many other compulsive thoughts that I can't control.
Senior year was tough due to all the changes, but moving to New York is insane. I'm constantly torn between wanting to go hiking and run and do something with my energy (which Oregon can offer) but I also want to be involved in the fast pace business world (which New York can offer). I rationally understand that I don't have to decide anything right now, but I irrationally think I need everything planned out to the exact minute right now.
I also understand that being confused is a part of being a young adult. I've always been so confident with everything that I do, but I feel as though I'm slowly becoming timid, which I don't like. I almost feel as though I'm losing a sense of myself like it's slipping away and I just can't quite grab it to pull it back. It's an awkward feeling to experience and it isn't familiar.
I'd like to make clear that anxiety isn't something that someone can just "get over". It's not being momentarily anxious. It's having anxiety. It's low serotonin levels in your brain. You can't "snap out of" biology.
I just feel very lost. I hope I can find the beauty in being lost rather than the disaster.