Back on the Struggle Bus

Day 185 (2/16/2017)
As the title infers, I've been struggling again. About three weeks ago I had a total break down and what I think was my first legitimate panic attack. I got behind in school, was failing a class, and was at risk for loosing my scholarship. Since then I've gotten caught up and have raised that F to a C.
I'm sick right now and have once again gotten a little behind in school. It's not that anything is late, I just haven't started anything other than one class -- but nothing is due until Tuesday.
In my FYE class we talk all about self motivation and self responsibility and all that "self" stuff. I know that I am solely responsible for going to work, getting my schooling done, not sleeping in, getting good grades, etc, but to be honest... I don't want to. I don't want to do my school work, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to wake up. I get out of bed at the latest time possible... and I don't know why. I feel so weak mentally and physically. I honestly feel like a rag doll that someone is trying to pick up (the stronger part of me) but the doll is just flimsy (the unmotivated part of me).
I want to get good grades, I want to be physically fit, I want to read, I want to be social, I want to be energized, I want to be motivated, but I'm not any of those things. You are what you do not what you think.
I don't do anything, honestly. This week I got one of my classes done so far. I have three more to do by Monday night. This week I've come home every night, laid down on the couch, and watched TV until I decide to go lay down in my bed and sleep instead -- rough life, huh? Right now I'm sick with a pretty bad cold and although I would love to pause time for a day and just sleep the sickness away, I can't. Assignments are still due, time still ticks, and things progress.
I kind of feel stuck. I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 14 -- I still dress the same, I'm still unhappy with my body, I still have anxiety, I'm still trying to change, I still can't focus. I know that I have made progress rationally, but emotionally and irrationally I feel like I haven't made any progress within myself. There's still so much I want to do with myself and I feel like I have no time, I feel as though I'm so focused outwardly that I can't focus inwardly. I'm finding myself slowly, there are bits and pieces of myself that I love, but all my pieces don't really fit together.
Some days I want to be a 90's rocker chick, some days I want to be a 70's hippy, and some days I want to live in the country with horses and goats and cows. I have all these different pieces of me that don't really go together. I really want to go to school and do well but I also just want to work and save up a bunch of money, but I also just really want to go to the gym and go outside. I'm hoping that once I get back to Oregon everything for me will fall together again, I just have to remember that wherever I go, there I am. I can change my physical location but mentally I'll always be there and unless I change that nothing else with change.
On a positive note this weekend I went to brunch with Justine and the Emily, Justine, and I got our auras read. It was really cool to do something hippy dippy like that because I love that stuff. Emily and I of course went to the frat on Friday and kept it low key Saturday. Last week I stayed on top of all of my homework and was really proud of myself. I think today, tomorrow, and Saturday I want to get the rest of my school work done so Sunday I can go to a movie, do some yoga, and just keep it low key.